There was a time when video game bosses were pretty straightforward. Since they usually came in the form of a spider or a helicopter, you knew you what you were getting with boss fights in the first few generations of gaming (think Nintendo and Super Nintendo Era).
But times have changed, and with the changing times, bosses have changed, too. Where once your family could be in the room, watching you fight a boss and not toss a second glance at the screen, now we have naked woman who puke babies out of their nipples and naked men who wear the skin of a pig and carry a chainsaw.
I am a sick fuck, though, so I tend to enjoy these boss fights. They make me feel dirty and confused, like how I used to feel after “special time” at church with Father Michael as a kid. Ok, not really. I was just kidding about that.
But I digress. Without further ado, here are six video game bosses that are freaky as hell.Next
Giant Aborted Zombie Nazi Kardashian Fetus From South Park: The Stick of Truth
So some people are probably laughing right now, and some people are probably appalled. I think that the creators of South Park enjoy both reactions equally, to be honest. Though more absurd and darkly comic than most of the other bosses on the list, just the simple fact that you are a kid fighting a zombie, Nazi, giant fetus who survived an abortion and once lived inside a Kardashian (note, I won’t name the Kardashian, but I will give you a hint: She is the fat one) is sick and twisted beyond belief. How this even got made is beyond me. Oh yeah, it almost didn’t.
The best part is, building up to this, you fight a bunch of smaller zombie aborted fetuses, and you think that is as shocking as it is gonna get. But then it just gets more shocking.
Spoiler Alert: you actually perform an abortion, on Stan’s dad. Take that, conservatives! An abortion mini-game, for fuck’s sake. That might be a high water mark for gaming at its most fucked up.
I loved this game, though, I won’t lie. I really, really loved it.Previous Next
Cleopatra From Dante’s Inferno
This week on “how the pitch went,” we have Dante’s Inferno, and I imagine the pitch for it going something like this:
“Hey, why don’t we make a video game based off the classic book, Dante’s Inferno, but throw in some God of War spice, too?”
“Okay, I like it. We gonna do nudity or not?”
“Okay, so I got something….a giant, naked female boss who pukes out of her nipples?”
*silence in the room for 3 hours*
How they pulled off puking nipples in a game, I will never know. But the Sin level of Dante’s Inferno is littered with nudity and sexual themes and culminates with the Cleopatra boss puking out of her nipples. Eyes are naturally drawn to the breasts, that is just how the ocular system works, but let me tell you, they are even more drawn to them when the breasts have puking nipples.
I know I should tell you that the game is not that bad, and there are a bunch of moments like this, but the truth is, I can’t remember any of them. When I recall playing this game, puking nipples are all I can see. By the way, did I mention WHAT she is puking from her nipples?
Um, unbaptized babies that you have to fight and kill. Don’t believe me? Check it out in the video below.Previous Next
Piggsy From Manhunt
Let it be known, the whole Manhunt game is freaky as fuck. It is basically you playing in a snuff film, with the one bit of solace you take away from it being that the people you are killing are all slime ball psychopaths, too. But the one slime ball psychopath to top them all is Piggsy. The sick, naked man who wears the skin of a pig and carries a chainsaw.
Flash back to the early eighties, and me running under Bowser in Super Mario. I had no inkling that at one point, that would evolve to this. But I am not talking ill of this game. Piggsy was the perfect final note in a game thats whole point was to make your skin crawl. There are few feelings on Earth I would imagine are quite as scary as being pursued by a naked pig man with a power tool (or two, wocka wocka).
It was a nice change of pace for the game as well, because up to that point, you were the one doing the stalking. With Piggsy, it suddenly felt like the tables had turned. Also, naked pig man with chainsaw. Like I even need to say anything else. A picture alone would have worked for this entry.Previous Next
Poison From DmC: Devil May Cry
Okay, so I know that some people did not like the Devil May Cry reboot, and I can understand why. The new Dante wasn’t cool-cool. He was “I wanna punch this fucking kid in the face” cool, which we all know is not cool at all, but rather, douche.
I also know that the game know tried really hard to be hip and smug, while staying somewhat true to the formula that made the original work (i.e. fucked up enemies and frenetic fighting), and that did not gel too well. But it had a couple of shining moments. The graphics were pretty slick, the presentation was nice (using fonts as fantastically as any game I have ever played, as odd as that sounds) and the boss fights were enjoyable. Sure, they were not as challenging or as cool as some of the other boss fights in the series, but they were pretty vile at times. One of those times being when you fought Poison.
Rather than talk about it, I will just share her colorful exchange with Dante from the game:
She just seems like an angry, half naked old lady, really. But that, in itself, is freaky as fuck.
Should I even say anything about that witty banter? I don’t think I need to, it speaks for itself.Previous Next
Giygas From Earthbound
Oh, look at me. Bringing it way back to the first generations of gaming (even though in my intro I tricked you into thinking this might not be here), Giygas from Earthbound is a disturbing boss in an otherwise non-disturbing game. He is a disturbing boss that was around long before disturbing bosses existed, and he has pretty much given a generation of gamers like me PTSD for almost two decades now.
So for the three of you who may not know, Giygas appears at the end of the Super Nintendo game Earthbound, and many theories over the years have popped up about it. Some people think it is an aborted fetus (a running theme of this list), while others don’t know what it is, except that it’s too damn dark for this game.
Truth is, Giygas did stem from something mega fucked up. Earthbound’s creator Shigesato Itoi mistakenly stumbled into a theater playing snuff (real sex, real death) and claims the moment fucked him up so badly that he thinks it made its way into the ending his game, subconsciously.
How is that for freaky as hell?Previous Next
Garrador From Resident Evil 4
I know the Resident Evil series is well known for having bosses that are freaky as fuck, and picking just one was very difficult. Though Nemesis was relentlessly scary, and even El Gigante would beat out Gassador for many people, I just felt there was a realness to Garrador that you did not commonly find in Resident Evil games.
He was just a blind dude kept in a dungeon, who goes ape shit when he hears sounds and tries to kill them with his man-made and Wolverine-esque claws. While I am not so scared of some giant beast who can uproot trees and swing them like baseball bats, there is a part of me that knows there is probably a Garrador locked in some basement somewhere, just waiting for some sound to lunge at.
Plus, you have to fight his ass in that little cage the second time, which makes it even more daunting (and there are two, so apparently someone mass produces these fucking freaks). That chainsaw wielding motherfucker with the burlap sack over his head is pretty damn scary, too, but he is never technically a boss. And although Garador is only a mini-boss, he is creepy as hell, so it felt like a perfect note to the end the list on.
Now quick, someone comment about how I should have had that giant, singing pile of shit from the Conker games on this list. Someone NEEDS to comment that, stat!Previous