Grand Theft Auto V is not just a game. More than any other sandbox title before it, GTA V is a living, breathing world, and to say it is fun to drop into that world is a vast understatement. This game is the virtual version of what it must be like to bring a searing hot crack pipe to your lips and take a drag. You have, never in your life, felt addiction like you will feel once you start playing this glorious game. If you want to read our full review, you’re going to have to wait just a bit longer until we’ve really had the proper amount of time to sink our teeth into it. In the meantime though, I just wanted to take a chance to tell you some of the most insane things I have experienced in the first five hours of the game.
Yes, just the first five hours.
What’s insane is, I had to pick from handful of moments. You would think there wouldn’t be so many awesome moments so early in the game, but that is the thing about GTA V. The entire game, from the first frame to the last, is perfect. There is not a single mission that feels tacked on or broken. Hell, even the side missions and “characters of interest” (which are questions marks on the map) all lead to awesome, hilarious, or intense moments. Add to that the fact that you can switch between three characters at any time, and it WILL hit you that this is the high water mark for gaming. It really is.
It is SO good, in fact, and there is SO much to do, that I can tell you that outside of core missions, my first five hours with the game played out very differently than anyone else’s. It is that individualization that makes the game so freaking epic. You may want to run around and kill hookers when you play, but I really dig hunting and playing the stock market (which I will say more about soon). The funny thing is, I have asked two dozen gamer friends about this, and not ONE has even checked the stock market in the game so far. That is how distinct your experience will be to you, and that is what makes GTA V such an unforgettable game.
Well, that, and the story, and characters, and radio stations, and size and scope, and graphics, and lack of glitches, and just how fun it is. So essentially, everything about it makes it perfect. But enough about me spouting just how awesome it is in a cryptically vague way. Now, onto the proof.
Here’s the five most insane things I did in the first five hours of Grand Theft Auto V.Next
The Opening Mission
All Grand Theft Auto games open up in a suitably awesome fashion, but let’s be real here, there is nothing cooler to do in a GTA game than to perform a heist. They make you feel like a badass, and they require multiple elements to work for them to play out at their best. Though GTA V is built around heists (as you will see when you play it), the game opens with a heist that is halfway finished. Essentially, you get thrown into the heat of a very heavy situation, right away. There is no casual “walk into the game and acclimate yourself” type of vibe like other Grand Theft Auto titles. No, with GTA V they just toss you right in the middle of the frying pan the moment the game opens, and honestly, it is intense, and completely sets you up for just how incredible this game is going to be.
This is also the first part of the game where they introduce the character switching, and the first time you use it, you realize how integral it will be to gaming, and how realistically, this will be the mechanic stolen from this game by many, MANY games to comes. It adds a whole new level to gaming, and considering each person you can switch between has a unique talent, it opens up the game world in ways you could not imagine. I won’t spoil it for you here, but there are points in the game when you can possess people and things outside of who you normally can possess, and it makes for some very strange experiences.
Ah screw it, you need to hear this…Previous Next
Possessed My Dog While He Was Humping
His name is Chop, and as insignificant as he may seem when you watch the game, as Franklin, you get REALLY attached to this dog. You can train him, play catch with him and watch him hump. Wait, I am getting ahead of myself.
There is a level, early on, where you need to find a guy who screwed you over, and Chop is using his scent to find the man, hidden among rail cars in a train yard. In this moment, I noticed that you could switch between playing as Franklin and playing as Chop, and when you play as Chop, you could see the scent line in the air and follow it to find the guy.
But Chop gets distracted by a hot bitch. I can say that, because a bitch is a female dog, and they were both in the sun. You walk over to open the door of the train and find the guy, but on the way, you notice that Chop mounted this bitch and is going to town on her. While this was happening, I walked over and kept trying to call him, but he wouldn’t stop screwing, and as I sat there watching him, I realized, wait, maybe I can jump into him right now.
I know that is sick and insane, but my thought was “there is no way I will be able to do this” and suddenly, SWOOP, I am staring at the back of a dog’s head while I am, as a dog, ramming it. Meanwhile, you hear Franklin saying shit like “Damn son, you trying to get yours, huh?” Yes, it made me feel creepy and insane, and I switched back immediately, but regardless, THAT is how epic and impressive this game is. You can do it doggy style in this game.
As a dog.Previous Next
I Killed Jay Norris
Okay, so this one is a slight spoiler alert for early on in the game, but it spoils NOTHING significant, and it is a mission that comes within the first few hours, so don’t worry.
The mission I am talking about is when Michael meets up with Lester, and Lester makes him go to the LifeInvader offices to prove his mettle. Incase you can’t tell by the name, LifeInvader sort of plays off the Facebook vibe, and there is even a Mark Zuckerberg type character named Jay Norris who runs the whole show and is idolized by all.
Basically, you go to the LifeInvader offices (which are filled with stand up games, yoga rooms and graffiti walls) and need to act like an IT guy for a bit to gain access to the place. You also come into contact with another techie who needs you to get the spyware off of his computer. You go into his computer, and wouldn’t you know, it is all porn pop-ups. You LITERALLY need to exit out all the (hilarious) pop ups to prove you know what you are doing, at which point, you are granted freedom around the office, which allows you the freedom to tamper a bit with Norris’ phone.
It all sounds simple enough until you go home and put on the TV to watch the LifeInvader press conference, and you are told to call the phone once you see him take it out on the air. He takes it out, you call him, and BAM, his head turns to red mist on live TV.
I won’t lie, it is freaking awesome and just shows you how deep down the pop culture rabbit hole this game is willing to go, and how no one and nothing is safe from satire (and a bloody death). It’s also the little things during the mission (like the fact that you can’t work at LifeInvader if you don’t air guitar, and the average age of the employee is 14.5 years old) that make it work on so many levels. They are little details, little stabs at pop culture and social media, and it reminds you exactly why you adore this video game series so much.
Because you get to do cool shit you always wanted to do, like kill Mark “smug piece of shit” Zuckerberg.Previous Next
Hunting Deer With A Dune Buggy
Now this is when shit starts getting good, because this was one of those “wasn’t even supposed to happen on purpose” things that make Grand Theft Auto V so freaking amazing.
So, I am up in the hills of the Northern part of the map, just exploring hick country, and I found an old VW style Beetle with GIANT buggy wheels, so I hopped in it and started driving. The thing is, the buggy can go anywhere, from mountains to the shallow water, so I just started going nuts, hitting jumps and flipping it and landing, wheels down. You know, the stupid shit we all love trying to do in these games.
So anyways, I keep hitting huge jumps and getting air, and I am doing this for a good half hour, just laughing about how much fun it is, and how perfect they finally got the physics. That is when I start noticing the deer. You can hunt in this game, you know, so I decided to do some hunting, but not with the gun. Instead, I started chasing the deer down in my buggy.
At one point, a deer had given me about a three minute chase when I finally hit a massive jump, and yes, I landed on the f**king thing, killing it. I shouted with such genuine glee, I woke my poor, sleeping girlfriend up. That is how elated I was to pull that move off. Those are, honestly, the moments we all play GTA games for. Those random moments you know in your heart you would probably NEVER be able to pull off twice, even though you pulled it off once so perfectly.Previous Next
Doubled My Money In Virtual Stock Market
The real reason I am so proud of this is because of all the people I’ve talked to about this game, no one is messing with the stock market yet. But as soon as NPC Lester let me know I could use the stock market as Michael, I started to. What you need to understand is the stock market in Grand Theft Auto V performs two ways. One, it is virtual, and plays out dependent on what happens in your game. If you steal all your guns, the Ammu-Nation stock will go down in the game. It is insane, and forces you to pay attention to little details in the game if you plan on making more money.
The other aspect of the stock market in this game is that it actually plays off of what is trending and what people are actually talking about. You can actually make money depending on how well you know what is going on around you. Suffice it to say, I am pretty good with that stuff, so I invested all my money as the Michael character, went and played as Franklin for a day, and then came back to Michael, checked, and sold all my stocks, which doubled my in game money and also got me the “Trading Pure Alpha” achievement in the game, which made me feel pretty damn good about my investments.
So, as you can see from the above list, most of these things were specific to me, and THAT is what makes GTA V such an amazing game. It is LITERALLY your world to play in, and you can do anything you want, at any given time. Like right now, for example, I am about to go get kicked out of a virtual strip club.
Some would call that rock bottom. In Grand Theft Auto V, I call that just getting started.Previous