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10 Hilariously Inaccurate Historical Epics

For reasons unbeknownst to most logical human beings, moviegoers will soon be "treated" to Pompeii, a historical epic from Paul W.S. Anderson, the man who delivered such modern masterpieces as Resident Evil and The Three Musketeers. For fans of Kit Harington's chiseled abs, the film may prove to be well-worth shelling out a extra few dollars for 3D, but for the rest of us, Pompeii will likely hold little more than a few eye-catching explosions and a heaping of laughable moments instantly questionable by any of us who can point Italy out on a map. Even die-hard Anderson fans may be turned off once they realize that Milla Jovovich is nowhere to be found and, even if she was, it would be really, really hard for her to punch, kick and shoot her way through millions of tons of volcanic ash.

4) Pocahontas

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I love “Colors of the Wind” just as much as the next guy, but there’s no denying the beating that actual history took so that Pocahontas could succeed as a heart-warming Disney flick for the little ‘uns. Sadly, history doesn’t paint nearly as jolly a picture for the titular Native American beauty (who was actually named Matoaka, by the way – Pocahontas is a nickname meaning “the naughty one”) and her tribe, the Powhatans.

For one, Disney completely fabricated the romantic aspect of Pocahontas’s relationship with handsome colonist John Smith. She was actually 10 or 11 when the settlers arrived, and, if she had any taste, Smith probably wasn’t her type anyhow. According to records from his shipmates, Smith was an abrasive, self-centered brute of a guy.

Even the film’s classic moment, when Pocahontas protects Smith from death at her father’s hands, is dubious, according to historians. Many claim Smith made it all up to gain sympathy and repute amongst his buddies.

At age 17, the real Pocahontas was kidnapped by settlers and held captive at Jamestown for over a year. She was then married to Englishman John Rolfe, converted to Christianity and taken across the Atlantic, only to fall ill and die at 22. Meanwhile, her people were decimated by disease and brutal ethnic cleansing at the hands of white settlers. Turns out, they shouldn’t have been so excited about what was just around the riverbend.