6 Movies For People Who Hate The Holidays

The holidays suck. I know I'm starting this article off with a jump kick of an opinion, but they really do. We run around like insane people, going from house to house, visiting people who we feel obligated to visit (usually once a year) and we all spend too much and eat too much. Also, the consumerist angle of it is exasperating. We all start the new year stressed out because we had to buy things for people we love. WHY? No one really knows, but between that and the driving and the hosting of parties and the blah blah blah, we end the holiday season wishing for the sweet release of death. Well, at least I do. But I know I mustn't be alone in that, because that hatred of the holidays has been reflected in many films throughout the ages. I completely understand why some people love the holidays. I really do. Maybe you guys have normal families or some shit. I'm not sure, but some people just achieve an emotional high during the season, and that is fine. This list is not here to tell you that is unjust. No, this list is here for the Scrooges like me who think it is all some big, fake ass disaster that does little but tire us and make us more in debt. There is no right or wrong here, but seriously, fuck the holidays. So, on that note, here are 6 holiday movies for people who seem to understand the suckiness of the impending season. Bad Santa Bad Santa might just be THE most anti-holiday of all the holiday movies (seriously, check out the trailer above). Billy Bob Thorton plays a mall Santa who just couldn't give any fucks even if he tried (well, he gives literal fucks to the mom from the Gilmore Girls, but no figurative fucks). He essentially decides to work as a mall Santa one month a year so he can ultimately rob the malls and then disappear. It's actually a pretty smart idea for a small scale way to pull of a heist, and if I didn't think mall Santas were all fucking pedophiles, maybe I would try that some time. What makes Bad Santa so great as far as holidays movies go is that you can feel its festering hatred for the holiday, and it doesn't hold that back. It understands the stupidity of the zombie like masses who bring their kids to sit on a stranger's lap and whisper their wishes once a year and does not refrain from pointing out how fucking stupid the whole holiday is. It also manages to do that while being incredibly funny. Like a nihilist comedian. Scrooged I know what many of you are thinking right now. But Remy, he has a change of heart! How can you say that Scrooged is a movie for people who hate holidays when it is just a retelling of A Christmas Carol, which is the most beloved Christmas story of all time? Well, my reasoning is simple, really. For 90% of this movie, Bill Murray hates Christmas, and hates it with a zest and snarkiness that only Bill "fucking" Murray can bring to the screen. I mean, just look at the above photo. Have you ever seen "fuck you Christmas" more astutely summed up? From the look on his face, to the literal "brushing off" of the holiday, that screen capture pretty much says it all (and says it perfectly). Now to properly address his change of heart at the end of the movie and how that should keep this movie off the list, how about we look at it like this? This character is extremely bipolar. He's a manic depressive who was having a depressive episode on Christmas eve, had an insane dream (OR DID HE?!) and woke up more manic. You look at it like that, and it stays pretty tragic (and still pretty awesome) because we all secretly know he (and ALL versions of Scrooge) went back to being total assbags the day after Christmas. Like most people do. Die Hard John McClane will shoot Christmas in the dick. He will take your idea of Christmas and force it to walk barefoot through broken glass. He will shoot you in the chest and spout swear words and cowboy slang at your Christmas party. He will wear a bloodied tank top amid those who wear ugly sweaters. John McClane is anarchy on Christmas. While you are lighting up your Christmas tree, he is literally lighting up an entire squad of bad guys. Oh, and when you put your star on the tree, this motherfucker is blowing up buildings and jumping out windows. While some of you may say this was his duty and Christmas is secondary, this is still one of those holiday movies that seems to know how bad Christmas sucks. Hell, the office party alone is usually traumatizing. Only more so when terrorists take over and start blasting people. Personally, I think it is safe to say this was the best Christmas of John McClane's fictional life. I would rather walk through broken glass than have to banter with people who clearly don't give a fuck how you are doing on the other 364 days of the year. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Again, some people may want to say that perhaps this is not a Christmas movie for people who hate holidays, but I disagree. If there is ONE MOVIE that gets what a shit show Christmas is, it is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. From the relatives visiting to the setting up of Christmas lights, and to the getting the tree and decorating it to the expectations of (unrealistic) Christmas bonuses from our jobs, there is NOTHING left untouched by this film. It gets it. It KNOWS the whole thing is a fucking train wreck that we all smile through because that is what is expected of us. And though it may have a somewhat sweet resolution, if you think about it, that resolution was a ten minute smile for three weeks of mental and physical anguish. Rare Exports Right now, any of you with kids, I dare you to show them this movie at Christmas. I dare you. Not only will it forever shift the way you look at Christmas, but it will teach them to fear sitting on a stranger's lap or the idea of an old man breaking into your home one night a year is just not okay. You lie about Santa as it is, right? Why not take that one step further? Rare Exports will help you do that. Rare Exports takes the idea of Santa Claus and dares to ask: what if he were not actually the jovial, sweet man that pop culture has presented him as, but rather, an age old demon whose intentions are far more nefarious than what people first thought? And what if some people caught this man, only to realize he was just a very small part in a much bigger (and much darker) scheme? From its expert direction to its (frankly, stunning) cinematography, to the fucking AMAZING ending, Rare Exports sees and paints a much darker picture than most holiday movies dare to. It is also a fuck load better than most of them as well. Santa is super creepy in concept, and though some slasher films have made his "visage" into the bad guy, Rare Exports goes miles deeper. Planes, Trains, And Automobiles Looks like I pulled another classic misdirection with the title of this article. You all seemed to think the movies here would be Christmas movies, and I fuelled that subconsciously by making them all Christmas movies thus far. But the holidays truly begin when Halloween ends and they end on the second of January. Thanksgiving and all the bullshit contained therein also fit quite nicely into the season, and NO movie captures the "I wanna shoot myself in the head because everything is going wrong" mentality that goes along with traveling and the holidays quite like the 1987 classic, Planes, Trains, And Automobiles. What starts off as a seemingly simple caper about a man (played by the always awesome Steve Martin) trying to get "home for the holidays," turns into an epic odyssey that would make even Homer proud (no, not Simpson, you poor thing). But it also shows us that the holidays are a fucking mess. Rarely do things go as planned, you sometimes get stuck with people you may not want to, and all that peace and joy stuff people sing about it is pretty much the last thing on your mind. So hey, happy next few months to those of you who like the holidays, and to the rest of us, I just wish a mighty good luck. Oh, and to those who are wondering why there are not more Christmas slashers like Black Christmas and Silent Night, Deadly Night on the list, I thought Rare Exports did more justice to Christmas horror, so I chose that to represent the genre. Also, I have talked up Gremlins about a thousand times, which is why that movie is not on the list. Just thought I would mention those things so no one else feels compelled to. Happy fucking holidays.