No One Can Hear You Scream: Ranking The Alien Films

Hitting theatres next month is Ridley Scott's Alien: Covenant, the newest installment in the iconic sci-fi/horror series which the director launched all the way back in 1979. It's arriving a few years after the divisive Prometheus and looks to right that film's wrongs, promising an experience that will hew fairly close to Scott's seminal flick. Set a full decade after the doomed Prometheus voyage went to pot in spectacular fashion, Covenant heralds humanity’s first ever large-scale colonization mission. Headed up by Katherine Waterston and Michael Fassbender – he’ll play Walter, an updated version of the David synthetic – the crew decide to break course in order to answer a distress call (!), and it’s here, on a desolate planet with zero sign of life, that things start to go awry. With Alien Day on the horizon, and the release of Covenant drawing near, we thought it was the perfect time to sit down with the seven films featuring the Xenomorph and rank them from best to worst. From the dank, dark and mysterious 1979 original to its divisive sequels, where do your favorites rank on this list? Read on to find out, and do leave a comment letting us know what you think. 7) Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007) When 20th Century Fox decided to square off its two best characters it must have seemed like a masterstroke, until the movies started getting made and audiences couldn't forget them fast enough. Though comic books and video games have the Aliens vs. Predator formula down pat, filmmakers have had a harder time delivering an end product that's watchable. Perhaps the issue lies with said filmmakers. First, Paul W.S. Anderson did a number on Aliens vs. Predator, adding another hatchet job to a resume that that includes Mortal Kombat and Death Race (like Zack Synder, it's a wonder he keeps getting work), then two unknown visual FX artists, the Strause Brothers, cobbled together a sequel and asked unsuspecting fans to cough up for the privilege of watching it. That sequel is Requiem, a turgid mess that was critically panned and single-handedly killed the Predator-Alien matrimony, but not before the Strauses raked the franchise over the coals and landed a few stinging blows for good measure. For no good reason, Requiem abandons the claustrophobic locales so central to the Alien franchise and sets the action in a Colorado town beset by an predator-alien hybrid dubbed the Predalien (I'm not making this up). Alongside several of its Xenomorph cousins, the unwanted love child attacks the local Colorado populous and a lone predator is dispatched to clean up. As you'd imagine, several witless humans join in to save the day, but they're so facile I'm not even going to talk about them. No, you can level any number of damning indictments against this film: terrible acting, awful visual effects (from FX artists turned directors, no less) non-existent character developments, a boatload of immersion-breaking references....the list goes on. But perhaps Requiem's biggest crime is that it makes the fearsome Xenomorph seem like a pitiful nuisance; a hapless puppy dog that humps your leg and won't let go. That's quite an achievement, and the less said about the Predalien the better. 6) Alien vs. Predator (2004) W.S. Anderson's work takes 6th spot on this list and next to Requiem, it's a masterpiece. But that's not to say it doesn't come saddled with several burning issues. Where to start? Let's look at the setting, first. We've got a mysterious pyramid encased below ice and a hapless research team headed to this glacial world to find out what the pyramid is hiding. So far so good. Except, the pyramid is set off the coast of Antarctica and the year is 2004, several thousand years before Ripley is even born. What's the point of watching all the Ripley films if her efforts to stop the Xenomorph reaching Earth were in vain before she had even begun? Had Anderson even seen the previous films? It doesn't make a lick of sense. Nor does the way it's filmed. The Matrix was obviously fresh on everyone's minds at the time of production as Anderson can't help but throw in several slow-mo close-ups of facehuggers arcing through the air and meeting the end of a Predator blade. There's even a scene where the Predator grabs the Xenomorph by the tail and whips her around in a 360, like cast members of Wrestlemania. The Xenomorph was designed to be a spine-chilling threat that you could never quite get a handle on, but with lights ablaze and cameras at the ready, Anderson strips away this terror, reducing the Xenomorph to a bizarre brawler that fights out in the open. Also, there's the PG-13 rating, meaning every death scene is a last-second cutaway. We've got Lance Henriksen reprising his role as Bishop, but not the Bishop you know (no, he's Charles Bishop Weyland, the precursor to the android Bishop. Just forget that he looks exactly like Michael Bishop in Alien 3, or that he's the same goddamn actor). And then there's the Predator, cast here as a hero and unlikely love interest of the human heroine; a heroine he even fashions a spear for from alien hide. Ultimately, Alien vs. Predator was a clanger, which is a shame, because the video games were great and laid down a blueprint for success. 5) Alien: Resurrection (1997) Five years on from the release of Alien 3, 20th Century Fox couldn't let a cash cow run for the hills and the good execs decided to rustle life back in to the franchise. Resurrection opens on the premise that remnants of Ripley's blood have been uncovered long after her death; blood that contains trace elements of the alien embryo living inside of her. The scientists at the United Systems Military (the new Weyland Yutani) create a clone of our favorite alien slayer and use Ripley's body to reproduce the Xenomorph, too. The basic set-up isn't bad. But Joss Whedon's script prefers slapstick fun over genuine horror, while directing duties are handled by an auteur better known for his work on the quirky Amelie. Something's just off here, and Resurrection bears little resemblance to the original trilogy of films, sacrificing suspense for bombast. Sure, there's an ensemble cast made up of good actors (Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman to name just two), but the film's principal star is transformed from believable heroine into a part-alien, part-human supersoldier replete with tepid one-liners at the ready. What made Ripley likable was that she was so human, so relatable, and much of that is lost in Whedon's script. Then there's the Newborn (pictured above), Ripey's alien "offspring." I don't know about you, but at this point, I decided to give up. 4) Prometheus (2012) Is it a prequel? Isn't it? It's hard to know how to feel about Prometheus. Beautiful, lavish and slow-moving, it feels like a direct revolt against the comedic rubbish that preceded it: a deliberate attempt at asserting the artistic cultural merits of this universe. Humanity's forefathers, the Engineers, take center stage. They're the Space Jockeys from the original film and the clue to unlocking the meaning of human existence. A group of archaeologists head to the planet LV-223 on the vessel Prometheus to study the Engineers' remains and find out more about mankind. But surprise, surprise, when they land on this slab of rock, they discover they might not be alone and that the old forefathers don't take kindly to this intrusion. Fans of the original Alien movie will love the slow, creeping tension, but they might be disappointed by the lack of actual Xenomorph action, besides a very smaller teaser as the credits roll. Prometheus is clearly set within the Alien universe and offers several nods to Scott's previous film, but it's curiously unwilling to engage any of its major plot points, or reveal any of its cards. Who are the Engineers? Why do they want humans dead? And were they the forefathers of both humanity and the Xenomorphs, too? True, Prometheus is designed to open up a wider canvas for director Ridley Scott and his writing team, and the upcoming Alien: Covenant will feature both David (Michael Fassbender) and Shaw (Noomi Rapace, likely in a cameo) as it expands on its lore, but as a self-contained story, Prometheus disappoints. In the end, it's a lavish and beautiful production but a relatively empty experience. The cast, the stage and the setting are all up to scratch, but the story amounts to 120 minutes of soul gazing without a tangible payoff. 3) Aliens (1986) Surprised to see Aliens so low? Sorry. There's no denying this is a fantastic piece of filmmaking helmed by one of the best directors and screenwriters in the world, but while James Cameron's incarnation is great fun, it never feels true to the spirit of the original Alien. Sure, reinvention is fair game, but Cameron's decision to favor palatable thrills over slow-burn horror doesn't translate into a sequel that feels like a force of nature. An excellent action flick? Sure. A true work of art? Maybe not. In many ways, Aliens is the reason that the franchise has dovetailed with the expectations of Hollywood action movies in recent times. It manages to take the central concept of terror and bolt it on to the back of action romp, introducing a supporting cast full of bite and little brain. Put it this way, I don't care for the back-slapping marines that accompany Ripley on the trek. Yes, they're supposed to be gleefully unaware of the dangers they're walking into, but the presence of Hudson and co. removes a sense of creeping dread and makes Aliens a steady dripfeed of bloodshed instead. Nor can I stand Newt, the well-conceived yet annoyingly-acted surrogate child who spends much of the movie looking aimless and emitting bloodcurdling screams. Add Aliens to the pile of films that get the characterization of a child all wrong. Still, the script deserves credit. The depiction of unbelieving bureaucrats scoffing at Ripley's assertion that there's an alien menace on planet LV-426 is perfect. Worse is their terrifying admission that they've set up a terraforming colony on the very planet. Finally, scenes like Bishop playing Russian Roulette with a knife and Hudson's fingers and Ripley strapping herself into a mech are unforgettable, but Aliens is also a very different beast from its forebear and though it's a clever, well-executed sequel, it's somehow less impactful. 2) Alien 3 (1992) Yup, I prefer Alien 3, a criminally underrated film that feels like a proper sequel to the original. This will be a controversial selection I'm sure, but I would urge readers to check out the Assembly Cut, a longer unedited version of Fincher's work that was never shown in theaters, despite offering a more convincing portrait of life on Fury 161. Before that, let's acknowledge that is it's a miracle Alien 3 was even made. By the time a fresh-faced David Fincher had been enlisted to direct the project three years before his 30th birthday, the studio had already sunk $7 million into creating the film and built several sets that were no longer even in the script. Fincher was ordered to oversee an umpteenth rewrite, one that would make use of the completed sets. He was also forced to retrofit pieces in place and after an exhausting shoot, chop 30 minutes from his release and re-film several scenes to keep studio execs happy. Despite this, he somehow managed to cobble together a film that, while certainly imperfect (there are continuity errors and some dodgy looking alien movements) is every bit as good as the series' best. The full-length beast, clocking in at 145 minutes, is a character-driven ensemble with memorable performances at every turn. When Ripley crash-lands on Fury 161, she's rescued by a group of inmates who live within the confines of a prison and are attempting to use religion to turn themselves around. The dishevelled, disembowled remains are the perfect setting for an Alien movie, and the cast is first-rate, led by Dillon (Charles Dutton), a prophet and leader atoning for his sins. There are also great turns by Pete Postlethwaite, Ralph Brown and Paul McGann. The Assembly Cut features a far longer opening that builds on Ripley's character and properly explains why the alien menace is alive, while giving the ensemble expanded roles that single them out from one another. Gruesome, uncompromising and a proper sequel to Alien, Fincher's film hits all the right beats and provides a fitting send-off for the shaven-headed Ripley, who dives into a blazing flame, killing herself and the alien parasite inside her. 1) Alien So, we get to the granddady of the series: Alien. In reality, there could be no other number one, and unless Alien: Covenant is absolutely mind-blowing, this will remain my favorite for a long time to come. Some might find it depressing that a film made in 1979 about a single alien stalking the crew of a single space ship still hasn't been bettered by any of its sequels. But how do you improve upon perfection that's delivered so effortlessly? It's the tautness of Alien that stands out. It doesn't waste a frame and its slow, conscious opening is designed to lull you into a false sense of secu- and wham! The story is clean, precise, with no extraneous details. Astronauts awaken from cryo sleep and are ordered to investigate a radio signal from a nearby planet. A small team is set onto the bowels of the planet where one of them is impregnated with an alien embryo, and unbeknownst to anybody, carries it back aboard the Nostromo. When the chestburster makes its escape (in one of the more gruesome scenes of cinema history), it grows into a full-bodied Xeno and proceeds to stalk the crew, picking them off one by one. H.R. Giger's incredible design marked out Alien as a cut above almost any film of its kind, and it's a singular vision that stands tall today. The Nostromo is a cramped, claustrophobic space and the alien is a terrifying foe that's projected perfectly on screen. The cast, meanwhile, includes terrific actors like John Hurt and Ian Holm, while a script by Dan O'Bannon applies a novelist's eye to narrative, first letting us get to know these characters, then making us care about them, before finally plunging them (and the audience) into unimaginable terror. It's a shame later films have tried to tease out this magic with explosions, guns and wisecracking, because Alien is at its best when it's focused on pared-back thrills that turn your blood cold.