5 Lame Avengers That Won’t Ever Appear In The Marvel Cinematic Universe

Recently, a little movie known as Avengers: Age of Ultron was quietly released in a couple of cinemas. From all accounts, the film did pretty well. Classic case of "The Little Movie That Could," right? For the rare few who were lucky enough to see it, Age of Ultron introduced a number of new Avengers, including the one Olsen who can act and that fast guy who was way better in the X-Men movie. However, as Marvel gears up to continue releasing a new superhero movie every ten minutes or so, things are going to start looking pretty desperate. Sure, the company has decades of material to draw from, but there will come a point soon when audiences need to see more fresh faces and there simply won't be enough iconic heroes to meet the demand. We're only two movies into the Avengers franchise so far, yet the team has already lost powerhouses such as Hulk and Thor in favour of the Bird Guy and Iron Man With Guns. This doesn't bode well for future instalments. Trust me, I know things. That being said, at the very least, we're thankful that none of the following Avengers will ever show up in Marvel's cinematic universe. Or at least, we hope they won't. 5) Dr. Druid Doctor Strange is going to be a hard sell, even if Benedict "What's his appeal?" Cumberbatch is set to play the Sorcerer Supreme, but that's nothing compared to Dr. Druid. Like all the best superheroes, Dr. Druid started out as a racially offensive Asian stereotype created by Stan Lee, but was retconned in the 1970's and he became far less interesting. Despite looking and acting like a cult leader who's just invited the new acolytes round for some punch, Dr. Druid somehow ended up becoming an Avenger, even chairing the team briefly in what can only be described as the Avengers' "Britney Blackout" years. Whether you blame it on his powers of mental manipulation or the writers hoping to inspire balding middle-aged men to fight crime, Dr. Druid somehow got away with it, joining the least exclusive club in comic book history. 4) The Swordsman At the risk of giving older readers a heart attack, let me be the first to reveal that the Swordsman does in fact use a sword. Shocking, I know. Despite this astounding skill set though, he is less famous than many of his fellow teammates, which is perhaps the reason why he kept flipping back and forth between hero and villain. Imagine Magneto, except that he's completely devoid of character. If you're still even vaguely interested in finding out more about the Swordsman, just think of him as kind of like the Black Knight, except even lamer, because he doesn't have a flying horse. Don't know who the Black Knight is either? The only reason he didn't make this list is that it's hard to trash talk anyone who owns a flying horse. That's about as scientific as it's going to get here today, folks. 3) Triathlon It's somewhat ironic that the hero also known as 3D Man is more two-dimensional than Reed Richards crushed under a steamroller, but them's the breaks when you're created to hit the diversity quota. In keeping with the code name, Triathlon possesses three times the strength and speed of a normal human being... which is great, unless of course you're fighting four or more thugs for hire. Bugger. Why he couldn't have been called Decathlon is beyond me, but then again, I'm not the one creating lame Avengers to replace those who are dead/rebranded/changing gender. Important side note: Triathlon actually wears 3D goggles, like, for real. Actual 3D goggles. As if they weren't annoying enough in real life, we now have to endure superheroes jumping onto weird bandwagons that a comic book writer somewhere thinks is gonna hit it big with 'the kids.' Disco may have died decades ago, but at least the Dazzler had those kick ass roller skates... 2) Moondragon Aside from a possible Black Widow SNL romcom, Marvel have been pretty terrible when it comes to giving a female superhero their own movie. Fair play though. Supergirl, Elektra and Catwoman were all horrible and lord knows there haven't been any bad movies starring superheroes with penises... However, if there's one woman who can change people's minds, it's Moondragon. Literally. Moondragon's telepathy is so powerful that she could force Professor Xavier to relieve his own bowels if Fox ever gave up the rights to X-Men. And that ladies and gentlemen, is why Moon Dragon... wait, you need more? What about her shaved head, pornstar costume and the fact that she developed her powers through sheer force of will? No radioactive moon dragons in sight! Let's not forget the time Moondragon enslaved Thor, forcing him to be her lover. Haven't we all thought about doing that to Chris Hemsworth at one time or another though? Oh, yeah. Shit just got creepy... 1) Starfox Oh no, wait. It gets creepier. Waaaaay creepier. Starfox seems like your typical Avenger at first, albeit one with a freaky ass codename. Super strength. Check. Flight. Check. The ability to date-rape. Che-WTF!? The power to stimulate people's pleasure receptors sounds great initially. You're guaranteed chemistry with anyone you're attracted to and they're going to love you, regardless of whether you're gentle or just want to get in between the sheets and HULK SMASH them against the headboard! Minimum effort. Maximum payoff. Unfortunately, Starfox was also prone to coercing women to have sex with him against their will. Yep. The Avengers count a rapist among their numbers. Lame, but also quite terrifying... like re-watching an episode of The Cosby Show these days.