The 6 Most Disappointing Movies Of 2013

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It’s going to happen every year. There is no way around it. No matter who you are, or what film genre you appreciate most, some movies are going to disappoint you. The problem is, film is art in the sense that it is subjective, and means different things to different people. So who are we to say one movie is bad and another is good?

All art gets critiqued, but that doesn’t mean the critique has to be listened to or appreciated. I think the reality is, going to the movies is rather expensive, and a critique is set in place to simply help you decide whether you should invest the time or money in said film. The six films on this list are ones that I would have told you not to see, but it’s a little too late now.

Sometimes, the bad is just unavoidable. That was the case with many of these, for the simple fact that these looked like they may have been good movies, or at least entertaining. But a good trailer and a few big names actors and actresses is all it takes to throw us off. These films dragged us to the theaters with high hopes, and we walked away letdown.

Doesn’t matter the genre, doesn’t matter who is starring or directing, some arrows just miss the mark. Though there were many great films in 2013, here are six movies that should have been good, but just weren’t.

Also, let me stress the following. As stated earlier, the medium of film is subjective, and this is just my opinion. There is no right or wrong here. Just one guy’s look at six movies from 2013 that disappointed.

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6) Only God Forgives

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Before I start slicing into this movie with my verbal katana, I need to say a few things. First off, I like Ryan Gosling. I think him a genuinely talented actor who is under appreciated for his skills because people find him attractive and seem to focus on that. Next up, I don’t hate director Nicolas Winding Refn. I thought Drive was a slow ride, but an incredibly entertaining one (outside of all the weird, silent staring). I also think Kristin Scott Thomas gave one of the best performances of the year in this movie. One great role in an otherwise crappy film.

Did Only God Forgives look cool? Yes, it looked great. But impressive cinematography does not a good film make. There needs to be story, and that was the real problem with Only God Forgives. Not only was there really no story, but there was no protagonist. You may THINK the Gosling character is, but he ends up being a shitty person, too.

Also, I did not buy Vithaya Pansrimgarm as the main antagonist at all. It felt like an actor TRYING to act like every badass he has ever seen in cinema. If your bad guy is supposed to be imposing, best make sure they cast someone imposing. Min-sik Choi from Oldboy comes to mind. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the misogyny.

Finally, that scene at the end with the hands and the stomach?! I wont spoil it here, but honestly, what the f*ck was that?

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5) Man of Steel

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Again, I didn’t despise this film. It was a fun summer movie, but was it a proper Superman film? No, no it wasn’t.

Admittedly, it looked cool (a common theme of this list) and the casting was not awful (seeing as to how Michael Shannon is the f*cking man), but there were just too many things that made it not feel like Superman to me. I respect that they wanted to make this reboot grittier than the last reboot (when Superman threw LITERALLY zero punches the entire movie), but to have this movie end the way it ended was a joke.

I know I mentioned this before in a previous article, but Superman does not break necks. I can present to you about forty things he could have done in the final moments of that battle with Zod, but breaking his neck and then screaming in emo agony about it was awful. Just awful. That would be like Batman pulling out a gun and shooting the Joker. It just wouldn’t work, and neither did this.

I also took issue with the great amount of holes in the story. The irony that his (Costner) Dad told him he should have let that bus full of kids drown. The irony of his (Crowe) Dad being dead but honestly not being dead at all. There were just too many glaring errors to overlook. It may have been fun and loud and shiny at times, but this was not a Superman movie. This was not a Man of Steel movie. This was not a comic book movie. This was a summer movie in the vein of Michael Bay.

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4) The Wolverine

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I can give some credit where credit is due, and Hugh Jackman is doing the best he can with the material he is being given. That is not my issue with this movie. My issue is with the people who end up writing these scripts. The first Wolverine movie was SO AWFUL that it might be my most hated comic book movie of all time. Yes, seriously. I know there are shit tons of comic book movies WAY worse (Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four to name just one), but for what that movie did to Deadpool and Wolverine, I will never forgive it. So when I heard there was a second movie that was conscientious of the mistakes of the first and was doing all it could to avoid repeating them, I got excited.

Well, I popped my claw a little too early, because this movie was (almost) just as bad as the first.

I understand that they want to make Wolverine a mass market character, so they water him down into PG-13 movies. But why do those PG-13 movies still have to suck? I could tell you a handful of storylines from the comic that would work, but what do they do, every time? Just mishmash different story lines and hope the masses funnel in.

Sorry, but until you have a drunk Wolverine, literally disemboweling guys and being almost killed, over and over, you are missing the whole point of this character.

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3) Movie 43

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I really used to like sketch comedy movies, like Kentucky Fried Movie and Amazon Women on the Moon, but outside of one or two decent skits, Movie 43 was trash. It was awful, abysmal. For the talent involved, I was in utter shock at just how terrible this movie was. There is so much wasted potential here.

Movie 43 made dick jokes just to make them. Movie 43 made fart jokes just to make them. Movie 43 showed naked women for the sole reason of dehumanizing them. An MP3 player that is a naked woman, really? How is that at all funny?

Literally, that last awful paragraph you just read was forty times better than any of the writing in Movie 43. This is the movie that a stoned, thirteen year old boy would write if he was given complete creative freedom. Seriously, it’s just that bad. And again, considering how much talent was involved, it’s truly surprising and incredibly disappointing that the film could not have been funnier or more enjoyable.

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2) A Good Day To Die Hard

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I will admit that the Die Hard franchise lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. I don’t mean in how many sequels there are, but how long the series actually stayed enjoyable. Even the fourth film was somehow still entertaining for me. But man, this most recent Die Hard sucked in so many ways. Hell, even the name is so stupid that I actually considered not putting it on the list for that reason alone.

While it can be said that, at its best, Die Hard is a self aware action series, the fifth entry tossed that out the window. From the enemy being Russian (oh look, another twelve year old boy is writing scripts), to the fact that IN ALL OF RUSSIA, the son and dad keep ending up in the same spots and unleashing forced “you didn’t raise me right” banter, the movie was just a giant load of crap. Yes, most of the action scenes in Die Hard movies take a big degree of suspended disbelief, but this movie asked you to suspend disbelief, physics, and rational thinking.

It also marked the moment when I decided that I would no longer be hanging out with John McClane. This film was some serious shark jumping. Like a helicopter on the back of a flaming truck jumping a robotic shark with octopus arms levels of shark jumping.

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1) Now You See Me

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The cast of Now You See Me is strange. It is half filled with really good actors (Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Mark Ruffalo), but it is also half filled with people I wouldn’t mind slapping in the face with a handful of baby powder (Jesse Eisenberg, Dave Franco). But going in, I at least thought a heist movie with magicians might be a fun take on the idea.

Boy was I wrong. This film is not fun at all. It is absolutely f*cking stupid. Stupid beyond stupid.

It was clear to see this movie had intended to throw some twists at us right from the start, but for a twist to work, it needs to make sense and be well-written. Now You See Me was a movie filled with twists for the sake of twists. It is also filled with a bunch of shit that it never f*cking explains. At the end of the day, it wants to send some cool rich versus poor message, but its ending seems forced and fake.

On top of that, without so much as saying it, the movie wants you to believe magic is real. Not all of it, mind you. But that some magic is real. As a cynic, that throws me off on appreciating any story they are trying to tell here. Also, the special effects in the film were awful and the main cast had next to no chemistry. The best actors were delegated to bit parts, picking up the scraps of these other hacks.

And let me tell you something, if Hollywood tries to force on more smug Franco sibling on me, I will light that sign on fire in the Hollywood hills. You mark my words. One Franco is one too many. Two makes me want to stand on the hills and play my fiddle while watching Rome burn.

Dishonorable Mentions:

  • The Last Exorcism 2: A terrible excuse for a film.
  • Oblivion: Tom Cruise sucks at life. He even makes something as cool as outer space seem lame.
  • Iron Man 3: Sorry, but between the ending and inconsistencies, I hated part 3. Love Shane Black, but his Iron Man sucked.
  • Rapture Palooza: The worst of all the “end of the world” comedies that came out this Summer.
  • The Lone Ranger: Not down with Johnny Depp’s Native American version of black face. Was hoping we were well past that by 2013. Guess not.

So, what were your most disappointing movies from 2013? Take to the comment thread and let us know. Best comment wins up-votes and a beaming sense of pride. 

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  • awnuce360

    Your critique of Man of Steel consisted of a bunch of unsupported assertions. I can think of many flaws with the film, but none of the things you mentioned were flaws in my opinion. I honestly could care less what your opinion is that Superman “should be.” Who are you to say what a Superman movie has to look like?

    • Jerkules

      Seriously, I got into an argument with a girl about why everyone has such a different opinion of superman, including how big of a cultural icon he is. The reason she didn’t like the film was because it wasn’t realistic enough for her, and how did she define realistic? For her, realistic wasn’t the laws of physics of proper regulation by the us army, no it was that is superman really existed he would immediately fly to Africa and help every single person there. She didn’t believe the film because superman didn’t bring a water well to a small village in the middle of nowhere. I honestly loved the film but some people just want the strangest things out of the movie.

      • nberens19

        Superman may do all that nice stuff, but that is not what he would be doing in the midst of an invasion that would kill everyone on the earth. The nice stuff is what you see in one frame as a headline on the Daily Planet, but you make the movie about the battles with villians.

  • Border

    Please tell us the 40 different things Superman could have done instead of snapping Zod’s neck. Also, emo scream? really?

  • nberens19

    I disagree with everything on this list (the only reason I disagree with Die Hard and Only God Forgives is because I had low expectations). Of this list, The Wolverine was most disappointing to me because he is in my top 3 heroes but his movie could not make the top 3 of this year for me (IM3, MoS, and Thor 2 were better in my opinion).

  • nberens19

    Also, in your Man of Steel review, I think you are forgetting Batman and Harvey Dent in the Dark Knight. Superman and Zod was in the vein of doing what you have to save the innocent.

  • JEREMY

    I’m SO glad you and I are on the same page in regard to MAN OF STEEL(which I actually call ‘Piece Of Shit’).
    Why was this movie even necessary?
    1. DC heroes translate MUCH better on TV than the movies. Look at WONDER WOMAN, FLASH, & “SMALLVILLE” . Their movies can’t seem to get past Superman & Batman.
    2. Nobody will EVER replace Christopher Reeve. For my money,he WAS Superman. I will accept no one else.

  • JEREMY

    RE: ‘A Good Day to Die Hard’.
    Between this movie, EXPENDABLES 2, LOOPER, and RED I/II, Bruce may be

    getting a little burnt out.

    Maybe a year’s hiatus might be in order.

  • Slick

    What is it with these lame emo types? Superman was forced to kill Zod. How dense are you to not get that? Rewatch and listen to Zod’s diatribe up to that point. Good God, we’re a country of pusses.

  • tquilla5

    Wow. I disagree with most of these critiques. Some were prolly too smart for your taste. Not everyone can get with that. 2 things I must say. First, Man of Steel was an excellent beginning of the story. I’m so glad it didn’t start in the Daily Planet or somethin like that. And for Superman to face someone who is his equal and who is one of his kind….i think it makes sense for him to hate to kill that person. Second, Johnny Depp portraying a Native American was probably an honor for him…especially since he is sporting Native American blood in his veins. Chill out on the judgement. It’s so over the top.

  • YourMomGoesToCollege

    You think Mark Ruffalo is pleasant to watch? You don’t know good acting.