In horror movies, the “adorable” factor is typically used to hide something sinister. Think of a film like Orphan, which depicts a murderous midget posing as a cute little girl. No one expects the pig-tailed school-girl playing on the playground could actually be a maniacal killer – but that’s what horror movies are for.
This ruse isn’t used strictly in horror, though. All types of movies try to hide evil with innocent cuteness, especially when looking at creatures. Animals are the best example, especially in today’s cat meme obsessed culture, because we never think such a cheek-pinchingly lovable furry friend could be capable of horrifying acts – even though wild animals kill each other every day. Cats, dogs, monkeys, rabbits – they’ve all been been pegged as killers at some point, but not before being established as man’s best friend. Lulled into a false sense of safety, our characters think nothing of the animal they’re looking at, go in for a pet, and aren’t too fond of the consequences. Evil comes in all shapes, sizes, and cuteness levels – trust me.
With that in mind, join Remy and I as we list our favorite deadly creatures that won over our hearts with adorableness, then ripped them right out of our chests.Next
Remy – The Fuzzies from Attack The Block
Man, I love this movie, and even if these little buggers will eat you alive or whatever, I still think they are kind of cute. They remind me of the CRITES from Critters (which is why the Crites are not on my list), but they just have this Jim Henson quality of cuteness to them. I realize the only reason I think they’re cute is because of how low budget the movie was, and for that reason, the creatures are not really creatures so much as they are vicious Tribbles (Star Trek reference), but still, any monster you can make with five dollars at a craft store is a monster that HAS to be cute, and to me, that is what these little vicious bastards are.
Remember, cute is in the eye of the beholder, so don’t try to tell me I am wrong. It’s an “opinion piece” and it seems the more and more Matt and I write, the more and more the concept of that escapes you all.
Nato – Gizmo/The Gremlins from Gremlins
Hi, I’m Matt Donato, and I have a Gremlins problem. You’d know this if you go back and read any of my other articles with Remy. But how does that adorable little Mogwai Gizmo get lumped in with a list of cute and cuddly killers? Because once you break the rules and Giz shoots out his mischievous offspring, you better run for your damn life.
The Gremlins themselves have a funny allure to them, although I wouldn’t call them cute, but there’s still a part of us that wants to keep a Gremlin. That’s until they hop in some construction vehicle and try to run you over, or tamper with your in-house stairlift so it goes flying off the tracks, of course. These vicious little miscreants will have you laughing at their antics, but once you let your guard down, they’ll be the only ones continuing that maniacal little cackle of theirs.
Gizmo brings the adorable factor, but the Gremlins bring the terror.Previous Next
Remy – The Sheep from Black Sheep
Alright, again, I know they may look like crazed zombie sheep, but so do half our readers, and we love you guys and think you’re cute, still. The point here is, for all the things coming at you to kill you, I feel like a sheep, even if it had gray eyes and was foaming at the mouth, would still be cuter than most things. Granted, once they reached you and were gnawing on your guts like string cheese, it may not be so cute, but at a distance of about forty feet, I am pretty sure you would still go “Awww, look at the cute…urgggh…” See, you don’t get to finish the sentence, because by the time you do, the sheep are all up on you, eating your guts.
Funny fact: That actually happened at a petting zoo once in Massachusetts.
Second funny fact: The first funny fact is a lie I made up as filler.
Nato – The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog from Monty Python
As described by Tim the Enchanter, this wretched beast was supposed to have “nasty, big, pointy teeth” and “a vicious streak a mile wide.” Then we’re shown a fluffy little white-as-snow bunny hopping about, guarding The Cave of Caerbannog, and our first reaction is simply “D’awwww!” Thinking this creature to be harmless, victory seems like a cakewalk for Bors, who boasts “One rabbit stew comin’ right up!” Of course he’s then swiftly decapitated as the killer rabbit jumps into action, biting through his neck in one clean lunge. Yes Brave Sir Robin, now would be the right time to soil yourself.
The purity of the rabbit is what we think of first. Something so bright and clean couldn’t harm a fly, could it? But then when he’s covered in the blood of our knights, we realize what a ferocious little f#cker this guy is. Luckily for King Arthur and his remaining knights, they still have The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, which they throw after counting to three – no more, no less. Well, sorry, technically it’s after Arthur counts to five, which he substitutes for three, then Sir Galahad corrects him – whatever, not important, it’s Monty Python.
Just remember, the next time an Enchanter tells you of a mythical killer, believe him – even if he looks like nothing but a common housepet.Previous Next
Remy – Sam from Trick R Treat
First of all, I need to really stress, I am talking about the version of Sam where he wears his burlap mask. NOT the version where he takes it off, okay? But mask on, I would adopt him. Now I know, he has a jagged glass lollipop he uses to kill people, but most young kids carry things that could kill you at anytime. And I know he doesn’t speak, which is a HUGE factor into why I would adopt him, but he looks SO DAMN CUTE in those feety pajamas he wears, and there is a delightful air of mischievousness about him that reminds me of my own younger self, murder streak and all (ha, ha, ha…).
Some may look at him and think him creepy, but I look at a normal kid, all dressed up by his parents like a little adult, and think THAT kid is creepy. Sam is a more honest representation of what children TRULY are: Monsters. So to me, he is adorable. Unlike YOUR weird ass kid.
Nato – Tooth Fairies from Hellboy II: The Golden Army
The first time we meet these magical fairies in Hellboy II: The Golden Army, no alarms are raised. They simply look like another mystical fantasy creature full of wonder and mystique, hypnotizing viewers with their fairy demeanor. Then we get the full explanation of what they are, and what they feed on, and the horror sets in. Living on calcium, humans become a perfect treat, as they tear through flesh, muscle, and bone before getting to their favorite treat – our teeth.
The sad part is, these fairies are usually harmless, living deep in the Black Forest of Germany. They only reason they turn into ravenous beasts is because Prince Nuada buys them off the black market and starves them, then utilizes their deathly hunger to wipe out and entire auction room of innocent people. Because of their nature, these terrifying creatures earn the status of super-killer, but because of their typically calm lifestyle and pouty little faces, you can’t help but love them. Until they eat your face.
Remy’s Honorable Mention/Trolling Bait:
Rebecca Gayheart from Urban Legend
You see, I am dumb and shallow, so at first I thought this list meant “cute” as in “things I would stick my dick in” (note I did not just say “people”), but then it hit me. Aw, cute like small and fuzzy cute. Not “I wanna plunder that booty” cute, so I reneged on this choice. But I thought I would pop it back in for two reasons.
One, she killed somebody in real life, which is pretty insane. No, seriously, Google it. Two, this is bound to piss off some trolls, and I want them to come out and play.
I LOVE playing with trolls.
So which adorably deadly creatures haunt your dreams at night? Did we miss any big ones? Let us know in the comments!
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro
Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where Remy and I discuss six under-the-radar horror films released this year that you’ve probably missed!Previous