Remy – Sam from Trick R Treat
First of all, I need to really stress, I am talking about the version of Sam where he wears his burlap mask. NOT the version where he takes it off, okay? But mask on, I would adopt him. Now I know, he has a jagged glass lollipop he uses to kill people, but most young kids carry things that could kill you at anytime. And I know he doesn’t speak, which is a HUGE factor into why I would adopt him, but he looks SO DAMN CUTE in those feety pajamas he wears, and there is a delightful air of mischievousness about him that reminds me of my own younger self, murder streak and all (ha, ha, ha…).
Some may look at him and think him creepy, but I look at a normal kid, all dressed up by his parents like a little adult, and think THAT kid is creepy. Sam is a more honest representation of what children TRULY are: Monsters. So to me, he is adorable. Unlike YOUR weird ass kid.
Nato – Tooth Fairies from Hellboy II: The Golden Army
The first time we meet these magical fairies in Hellboy II: The Golden Army, no alarms are raised. They simply look like another mystical fantasy creature full of wonder and mystique, hypnotizing viewers with their fairy demeanor. Then we get the full explanation of what they are, and what they feed on, and the horror sets in. Living on calcium, humans become a perfect treat, as they tear through flesh, muscle, and bone before getting to their favorite treat – our teeth.
The sad part is, these fairies are usually harmless, living deep in the Black Forest of Germany. They only reason they turn into ravenous beasts is because Prince Nuada buys them off the black market and starves them, then utilizes their deathly hunger to wipe out and entire auction room of innocent people. Because of their nature, these terrifying creatures earn the status of super-killer, but because of their typically calm lifestyle and pouty little faces, you can’t help but love them. Until they eat your face.
Remy’s Honorable Mention/Trolling Bait:
Rebecca Gayheart from Urban Legend
You see, I am dumb and shallow, so at first I thought this list meant “cute” as in “things I would stick my dick in” (note I did not just say “people”), but then it hit me. Aw, cute like small and fuzzy cute. Not “I wanna plunder that booty” cute, so I reneged on this choice. But I thought I would pop it back in for two reasons.
One, she killed somebody in real life, which is pretty insane. No, seriously, Google it. Two, this is bound to piss off some trolls, and I want them to come out and play.
I LOVE playing with trolls.
So which adorably deadly creatures haunt your dreams at night? Did we miss any big ones? Let us know in the comments!
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro
Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where Remy and I discuss six under-the-radar horror films released this year that you’ve probably missed!
