Remy: Darry From Jeepers Creepers
First of all, your friggin’ name is Darry. Listen, the 237th rule on my “Laws of the Remy” book is that all people named Darry should be killed on site. No Darry has ever done good by this world. I knew one Darry, and I swear to God, that man bedded sheep. Anyway, the Darry in this film, played by Justin Long (who I normally like, not LIKE like, but like, you know?) makes what HAS TO BE the worst string of decisions I have ever seen anyone make. Also, he has a black rose tattooed over his belly button. Listen, if you want to rock TERRIBLE tats, that is your call. But, in the same breath, don’t be mad if it means I want to see die. Much like Juno in The Descent, every single thing that happens in this movie is because “Darry’s” sense of self-preservation resembles that of an emo-lemming.
Think about it, if you and me were driving, and we saw a scary mothertrucker (see what I did there?) dumping bodies into a well, you know what NONE OF US WOULD SAY? Hey, we should go back there and look in that hole. But you wanna know what ELSE no one would say? Hold on to me while I lower myself into the hole. I know this movie tried to play up the naive-50’s era in horror, where people did dumb shit for no reason, but this wasn’t dumb shit. It was suicidal shit. So when the movie ended, and I saw Darry’s eyes plucked out of his head, instead of being all: Oh NOEZ! That bad guy won! I was actually like: HELLZ YEAH!!! And of course, just because my world is Godless, that terrible tattoo made a cameo in part two. Damn you, Darry. Damn you and your dumb tattoo and your even DUMBER name! I’d do your sis, though. Weird thing is, Jeepers Creepers makes it seem like you would, too.
It just hit me that all my entries have stupid names, so need to stick with that trend.
