Remy – Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
When Birdemic begins, it’s like you are watching your least charismatic friends in a movie they made on a flip phone. Every single thing about it is terrible. The acting is so bad, you cringe when the lead and his love interest (who I won’t even name here because that is how little it matters) interact. Honestly, for forty five minutes you will have no idea why it is called Birdemic. It could just be called “Awkward As F*ck”, but suddenly, for no reason about halfway through the movie, the actors start getting attacked by clip art birds. In that glorious moment, the film goes from bad to Godly.
I know you had to read that a few times, and yes, it says clip art. That is really the quality displayed here. Oh, and the as-subtle-as-a-moose-kick-to-the-dick pro-nature message is absolutely as contrived and silly as film making gets. Honestly, even if you set out to make a “horror” film, and decided to film the whole thing using a potato, that film would realistically be better than Birdemic. But guess what? Whenever I get a chance to watch it, I watch the SHIT out of it. It is like watching a ninety minute lego-train-wreck. You know how sometimes bad art is awesome? Yes, this is like that. And that “Hanging Out With My Family” song/dance scene in the middle of the movie may just be the best thing ever made, ever, anywhere. Again, ever. There is a part 2 now, but you DON’T make sequels to cult films. You just don’t do it. You can’t form shit into gold twice. Hell, once is hard enough.
Nato – Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)
Alright, so here’s the thing – I love Feast. I love Feast with all my little horror obsessed heart. I love it so much, I just went out and blindly bought Feast II: Sloppy Seconds the day it was released, counting it’s arrival down like the second coming on Christ. So, that fateful day I ran to the local FYE, grabbed a copy at full price, raced home, and watched it – again loving every single ridiculous minute. Then I showed it to my equally enthusiastic horror friends, but did not receive the reaction I expected – hate. No one else really liked the film, saying Gulager dropped the ball and I was just brainwashed from the first, but I didn’t buy it. So I watched it again, and still enjoyed Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan’s break from Saw, while fully admitting glaring faults. The ending culminated in an embarrassing green-screen shootout that was visually hard to ignore, weak CGI replaced some practical effect from the first, and our characters were more cartoonish, but I still lost myself in the horror fun Melton and Dunstan managed to carry over from the original. I mean, midget Luchador monster killers? Honey Pie fantasizing about the beer guy (Judah Friedlander) from the original? An autopsy scene with gallons of monster goo? It’s dumb, silly, stupid fun, just the way I want my horror movies every now and then.
