Whether or not our mothers like to admit it, Remy and I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for them. While I know Remy’s taste in horror was in fact influence by his mother, I can tell you my horror obsession has nothing to do with my innocent, Wii-Dance playing sweetheart of a mama. She can count the number of times she’s been drunk on one hand, was a total self-admitted goody two-shoes growing up, is almost a legal midget (off by a few inches), loves terrible romantic comedies, and yet she’s responsible for this foul-mouthed, whisky slugging, horror movie marathon machine of a son who loves writing about the most f*cking insane shit he can find. My Dad will tell you it’s because my Grandmother got me interested in the dark arts while babysitting me when I was a wee-little Nato (he loves telling cheesy jokes about my Grandma being a witch), but in all honesty, I don’t have the slightest clue where my love for all things horror came from.
With that said, no one encourages my writing like she does. She may not approve of the topics I mostly write about, but on the off-chance I review a film like The Place Beyond The Pines, she always tells me what she agrees and doesn’t agree with right after she sees the film herself. Sure, you can say “Oh, she’s your Mom, what else is she going to tell you?” Doesn’t matter, the fact that she still even attempts to read some of my horror reviews kicks so much ass and makes me appreciate how much she tries, so it’d be a crime not to honor her for Mother’s Day.
Of course, Remy and I decided to honor the women who thrust us into this strange, messed up planet we live on by recalling some of our favorite horror films our mothers would disapprove of almost instantaneously if given the chance. Don’t worry Mom, I’m fine, I promise! *Puts The Poughkeepsie Tapes in his Blu Ray player*Next
Remy – A Serbian Film
While I am not here to extol the virtues of this film (because outside of bragging rights that you made it through it, there are none), I can openly say that if there was one movie in existence that if my Mom walked in on me watching would make her disown me on the spot, it would be A Serbian Film. This movie is about an ex-porn star who gets called in to do one last movie, and finds out, a little too late, that it is snuff of the most extreme kind. This flick is SO offensive, that even horror fans like me, who are depraved and love the sickest of the sick, find NOTHING good to say about it. Well, the cinematography is quite striking, but for an actual film, it is simply a sloppy crash course in the shocking. From eye sockets being hate-f*cked to newborn babies being raped, A Serbian Film is the last film you watch before you kill yourself.
I would honestly prefer my Mom walk in on me watching sloppy, hairy, 70s porn than watching this movie.
Nato – Tokyo Gore Police
When thinking of all the horror films that have scarred my mother for life just by catching glimpses as she passes through the basement in route to the laundry room, Tokyo Gore Police stands out in my mind first and foremost. Why? Because it involves scenes in which young schoolchildren gleefully cut themselves with special razors, a vagina stretched into a leathery chair sprays piss all over an audience, a man has a tremendous penis gun that shoots, and of course a female bar owner is shown being drawn and quartered. This is all on top of the tremendous amount of gore already included in a film full of decapitations, limb removals, blood, blood, and more blood.
It’s not only the copious amounts of gore that throw my mother into a tizzy though, she became used to that, but also the sadistic fun that Japanese extremism films show. There’s no seriousness or realism paid to death, and in most cases these films tend to sexualize violence and death in a way that makes most genre directors look like they should be institutionalized. In the battle of psychology versus visuals, sometimes the motives seem much more repulsive.
Either way, Tokyo Gore Police is nothing you should let your sweet, innocent mother witness – which means it’s one hell of an awesome ride!Previous Next
Remy – Mother’s Day (2010)
While I know this movie was nothing particularly remarkable, I think the idea of children killing for their Mother would be beyond unfathomable to my Ma. In this film, the Mother manipulates, picking favorites and making her children prove themselves in the most brutal fashion to win her love, and I think my own Mom could sit through almost any horror movie with the idea she could laugh it off, but the idea of sons killing FOR their Mother would be something my Mom would never get over. Mother’s Day may be typical slasher fare to all of us, but not so much to old-school Moms, who are super sweet for the most part.
The irony is that the movie is not that remarkable, but this list is not about remarkable movies. It is movies our Moms would NEVER approve of, and this one wins just for having Mother in the title.
Nato – Deadgirl
Thankfully I was able to watch Marcel Sarmiento’s Deadgirl in the comfort of an empty house, because if my Mom caught a glimpse of some of the more twisted scenes, there’s no doubt she would have been appalled at my horror obsession. Sure, even the safest horror movies with minimal gore and laughable plotlines make her uncomfortable, but Deadgirl brings the term “sick and perverse” to entirely new levels.
What we have here is a story bout two high school teens (Noah Segan and Shiloh Fernandez) who stumble upon a female body locked away in an abandoned mental asylum, and the choice they are faced with. Do they let the naked, battered, dirty woman go free – or do they keep her as a personal, realistic sex doll. Any mother would of course assume their child knows better and would let the woman go, but that’s where Deadgirl instilled the dark realization that some sons would gladly take the road less traveled, as the rape-focused choice is exactly where our story goes.
Now there’s a ton more to Trent Haaga’s script than just a defenseless woman being raped relentlessly by horny teenagers. It turns out she’s undead, has a vicious mean streak, and can infect you like a disease – but that’s not what would disturb my mom. Well, OK, that’s not true, but let me rephrase that as that’s not what would disturb my Mom THE MOST. Much worse is the notion that when faced with a moral choice that shouldn’t even have to be a decision, one boy turned into a sexual deviant with no care for human life.
The hypothetical heartbreak of finding out your son committed such an unforgivably despicable act creates the true horror for a mother if she were to watch Deadgirl.Previous Next
Remy – Baise Moi
You know there had to be at least ONE rape revenge movie on this list, and though I almost went with The Woman (which is one of my fave horror films of all time), that is not a rape revenge movie, though that may be an element to the story. No, Baise Moi is as extreme as this sub-genre can get, and took the movie one step further by casting porn stars as the leads, so the rape scenes have actual intercourse. So, in essence, the rape scenes you see are absolutely, disgustingly, real. All you need to know I have already told you in two words: rape revenge. Add to that the sloppy camera work paired with the unflinching violence, and Basie Moi is a movie that you don’t even have in the same HOUSE as your Mother – just out of respect.
Truthfully, don’t see this movie unless you want to swallow your own vomit multiple times.
Nato – Maniac (2013)
Yup, I don’t think my Mom would be too thrilled to find out one of my favorite horror movies of 2013 so far is about a murderous stalker (Frank, played by Elijah Wood) who targets young, attractive girls, hunts them down, brutally kills them, scalps them, and then staples these real-life wigs to mannequins which he treats as real women. Not only that, but Frank’s womanizing ways were only brought on because of a neglectful, abusive, whoreish mother who traumatized him for life – the opposite of what Mother’s Day celebrates.
Franck Khalfoun’s 2013 Maniac remake surpasses William Lustig’s 1980s original in every department if you’re asking me, be it stomach-churningly brutal kills or Elijah Wood’s psychotically beautiful performance, but there’s absolutely NOTHING for a mother to love here.
Again, if we look past the visible gross-outs, scalpings, sliced ACLs, and choked out hotties, there’s nothing worse for a mother than seeing another one fail miserably – and then be forced to watch the after effects. Imagine the life poor little Frank could have led had his mother not turned him into a deranged womanizer struggling to find love, as a mother’s heart has to break as Frank flashes back to moments of being banished to a closet while his drugged up mommy fucks the dirtiest sleazeballs she can find at the local club.Previous Next
Remy – Imprint
Imprint can now be ordered as a movie, but originally it was an episode of Showtime’s Masters of Horror series, directed by the brilliant (and fucked up) Takashi Miike. This episode was SO messed up, they banned it from airing. NO, really – a cable channel banned it from airing. It is basically an hour of the worst torture porn you have ever seen, all done by an old woman on a young prostitute. You know those movies that seem to revel in cruelty, and are actually hard to watch for that reason? Yes, this is one of those. There are lingering scenes of true brutality that even some horror fans can never get over, let alone our Moms. If my Mom watched any of Imprint, I feel her eyes would gray over and she would go blind.
Yeah, it is THAT messed up.
Nato – Black Christmas (1974)
Ah, the Christmas season. All the stockings are hung by the chimney with care, the aroma of freshly baked Christmas cookies fills the air, presents are being wrapped, and holiday movies can finally be watched with relevance once again. You’ve got your How The Grinch Stole Christmas, A Christmas Story, Frosty The Snowman – but if you really want to terrify your family come the next family Christmas movie marathon, all you have to do is sneak Black Christmas into the DVD player when no one is watching.
Not only will your mother shriek at the absolute horror being brought to such a joyous family holiday, but she won’t know how to react when heads start rolling and the heavy breathing begins. Going along with the rest of my picks, Mom definitely won’t approve of some seriously bone-chilling kills that seem all too real, but she’ll be more off-put by our killer’s randomly vulgar phone calls that make you wince every time the phone rings. You know he’s on the other end, you know he’s evil, and you know he’s got a whole script of perverse lines and obscenities cued up and ready to burn our ears off.
If you want your mother to respect you during the holiday season, I’d say stick to sharing figgy pudding with her and leave Black Christmas as a little late-night treat for yourself while you anxiously await jolly old Saint Nick.
Alright disciples, do you agree with our list? Did we miss any depraved horror stand-outs so vile your mother would disown your for watching them?
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro
Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where Remy and I talk about stand-out moments in horror gaming that made us pee a little bit!Previous