Well, Remy and I weren’t really sure what to do this week for our Last Stand article, but if there’s one thing the internet has taught me, it’s when you’re bored, just Google hot ladies. I suggested this to Remy, and thus our shrine to the best “Horror Babes” is now under construction, which we’ll sporadically revisit to highlight the most bodacious, enthralling, and entrancing horror beauties for specified decades. We figured we’d start with recent characters, to ease readers into more abstract picks later, but hell, a hot babe is a hot babe, no matter what decade. And yes, we realize we’re shooting at a rather small demographic right now with a post like this, but c’mon, you ladies can appreciate beauty as well too, right?!
But in defining said babes, we also have to define the roles female horror characters play in the genre, boiling down to three simple ones, and then a random collection of the rest:
This is the strong female lead character, typically a virgin (but not always), who presents a challenge to the villain. This character will usually survive the whole ordeal, presenting a pure good triumphing over evil scenario, and thus earning the label Survivor Girl. The babe factor here would be how well the lead presents herself. Is she a self-sufficient vixen who attracts with gusto and spunk, sporting drop-dead looks to match? Think of someone like Alice from the Resident Evil series as a more badass version, or Neve Campbell from the Scream franchise as a more homely version.
Not trying to be a dick here, but typical horror films usually exploit the female gender with one obliviously ditzy character who is nothing but kill fodder. You can usually expect to find this slutty stereotype axed first amongst her friends, sneaking off with an equally horny bro, making themselves the perfect first target for whatever villain may be stalking them. The babe factor here would be simply how hot the character is. How much of a travesty is it our young eye candy was killed off so early?
Then there’s everyone else. She could be a friend, sister, acquaintance, but in some capacity this character is simply there as some filler. Sometimes they live, sometimes they die, but it’s all dependent on the film. Sometimes you’ll get a super babe for these parts, sometimes the character is forgettable, and others, well, we just don’t really care about.
Oh, but don’t forget the Wild Card though. Horror chicks can be villains too, or eccentric nutjobs, so don’t always take female characters at face value. Sometimes babes blossom right before your eyes, hiding in a nerdy and deceiving cocoon to start, flourishing into a devilishly deceptive left-field character, bringing out hidden attractions in us we might be secretly terrified of.
Anywho, let’s take a look at some of the women who had Remy and I drooling from scene one!
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Nato – Danielle Harris: Hatchet II
How can you talk about horror babes from the early 2000s and not include modern-day Scream Queen royalty Danielle Harris? Typically the victim, I picked her turn as Marybeth in Adam Green’s slasher sequel Hatchet II because she’s given a strong female lead character, seeking vengeance on urban legend Victor Crowley. I’ll admit the sequel paled in comparison to Green’s original, but Harris is the better Marybeth in comparison to Tamara Feldman. Harris has a more independent and gruff attitude, and looks that kill to accompany her “I can take care of myself” persona. Harris is becoming a staple in the horror genre, and kicking the ever-loving shit out of Victory Crowley only dug her roots deeper.
Remy – Naomi Watts: Mulholland Drive
This woman awes me. Not only is she staggeringly beautiful, but she picks REALLY messed up, difficult roles. I mean, how many times have you seen Watts in a romantic comedy? She doesn’t even mess with that crap, which makes me adore her even more. And though she is memorable in everything, nothing sticks in the dirty corners of my mind more than her role in the David Lynch mindf*ck, Mulholland Drive. There is one scene in particular, which I talk about in-depth here, but for me, a role that demanded the things from her that this role did would have scared away most actresses, yet Naomi Watts went at it with insane abandonment, which is one reason why I love her so much. Crysturbation is the other reason.
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Nato – Sienna Guillory: Resident Evil: Apocalypse
I know I picked Jill Valentine last post for my all-star zombie apocalypse team, but Sienna Guillory in costume as our sexy S.T.A.R.S agent tipped the horror babe scale into dangerously smokin’ territory. She kicks ass, takes names, and looks damn good doing it. Milla Jovovich as the steamy assassin Alice is one thing, but then throwing in Guillory’s Valentine in Resident Evil: Apocalypse? Absolute awesomeness overload. Many people may complain about the Resident Evil franchise and how Paul W.S. Anderson fails time and time again to create enjoyable cinema, but if there’s one thing he does do right, it’s load the screen with gorgeous zombie killing women, Guillory being the tops. As long as Anderson keeps delivering the babes, you bet you’re ass I’ll be funding his mindless films year after year.
Remy – Angela Bettis: May
Okay, I may lose some people here, and that is okay with me. Angela Bettis may not be what people consider “beautiful”, but to me, she plays helpless and wounded so well, it’s hard not to get caught up in the siren-call of her acting. If you have not seen May, you have missed out on one of the greatest performances from a female in a horror film, hands down. And though she is INCREDIBLY wounded, and incredibly messed up in this film, there is still something I find so utterly intriguing about her. I watch the film, and find myself wishing I could scoop her up and cradle her like a small child in my arms, reminding her that everything is going to be okay. I mean, it’s not, but we lie to those we care for most, right?
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Nato – Kelly Brook: Piranha 3D
Because it’s Kelly Brook. In a bikini. Do I honestly have to say anymore? How bout she was sexy enough to be a Playboy model? How about this curvatious smokeshow does an underwater ballet with pornstar Riley Steele, completely naked? This is strictly a pick for the dudes. You’re welcome.
Remy – Beatrice Dalle: Trouble Every Day
This one proves I have huge issues, because the sex scene from this film made me physically ill. For most of you who haven’t seen this movie, I will tell you where you might remember Dalle from - the insane woman bent on taking the unborn baby in the movie Inside. Yes, her. I KNOW FOR A FACT Beatrice Dalle would kill me and screw me, probably in that order, and even though every living fiber in my body fears her, there is something about the primal, vampire-sex-beast she plays in Trouble Every Day that makes me feel like I would just hand myself to her, even though I know she will probably tear my throat out during sex. The way I see it, there are far worse ways to die.
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Nato – Rose McGowan: Planet Terror
Alright, so I obviously have a thing for ass kicking women, and Rose McGowan destroyed some serious zombie tale in Planet Terror. Robert Rodriguez is always one to flaunt women’s sensuality, be it Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn, Salma Hayek in Desperado, Salma Hayek in…Sorry, Rose McGowan, focused, I swear. But yeah, Cherry Darling starts off as a stripper with a heart of gold, having that total innocent sweet girl next door charm that makes you want to whisk the young girl away from her troubled life. Then she loses her leg, attaches a machine gun to the stump, and starts blowing zombies up with her machine gun/grenade launcher combo. Hello, yes, I’m in love. Sassy attitude, looks, sex appeal, and all with a gun leg? I didn’t think it was possible. Like a sexy horror pirate of death. Kinky?
Remy – Manuela Velasco: REC
I believe that this woman played one of the strongest female characters put on film in a very, very long time. And though a strong woman could scare most weak, insecure men away, it only draws me in, like moth to flame. Though there may be a bit of a language barrier between us (calling Rosetta Stone right now, as a matter of fact), there would also be undeniable chemistry. Okay, that last part may be a bit off, but we will never really know unless we meet, so hey, Manuela, balls in your court now. Though I didn’t really like the direction the series went, I am excited to get some more screen time with Manuela when [REC] 4 drops, taking place moments after [REC] 2 ended, which is the last time we saw her.
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Nato – Jessica Paré: Suck
Yes, Jessica Paré, or better known as the naked girl bathing with Craig Robinson in Hot Tub Time Machine. But pay no attention to her voluptuous rack, and instead her seductive role as a rockstar bass player who accepts the life of a vampire for fame and fortune. A very alluring, hypnotic vampire that is, minus her grossly unattractive eating habits. Whatever, I just wouldn’t watch. But, bar non, vampires ar the most sultry, sexy, and insatiable creatures in horror if done right. Mix that with an in your face rocker chick attitude while watching her slay audiences on stage, and WOOF. Where do I sign up to be her eternal groupie?
Remy – Yeong Ae-Lee: Lady Vengeance
This is one of those movies that takes a minute to get going, but once you catch up with the story, and figure out what Lee’s character, Guem, has been put through, your mind just gets blown, and then it gets blown again and again. South Korean revenge movies (this one being part of the Vengeance trilogy, also featuring the brilliant and timeless Oldboy) are the very best at conveying the desperation of those moments, and the moral quandaries one would be placed in had they been in such a situation. But the movie is only going to be as good as its titular character, who, in this case, is jaw dropping. She is weak one moment, being victimized by the man she loved, and then, in the next minute, she is cold and detached, as she would need to be in such a situation. A role and an actress who just don’t get enough due credit, to be honest.
Now it’s your turn! Feel free to let Remy and I know how we did with our selections, and let us know some of your favorite female horror characters from the selected time frame!
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro
Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where we discuss who you’d want backing you in the zombie apocalypse!Previous