Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

paranormal activity 2009 1024x768 588118 642x360 Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

Quick Remy Disclaimer: All the movies I chose I adore as horror films, and this article is by no means a reflection of me thinking these films are not awesome – because they are. I just know myself pretty well, and I would have handled some of these situations differently is all.

Quick Nato Disclaimer: I echo Remy’s sentiments for the most part. Some films I definitely adore more than others though – you’ll know once you see my picks.

When watching a horror movie, the hardest thing to do is leave the “horror logic” unquestioned. We all like to believe we know better than the characters on screen, and we all like to convince ourselves we’d make it out alive if stuck in the same scenario, but thankfully the reality of the matter is we’ll never know. Have you heard of anyone ever having to fight a demon in their dreams or escape from the clutches of a killer doll?

The element people forget about though is fear. Sure, hindsight is a powerful thing, and that’s what movie watchers get the benefit of when not acting out the scenarios, but watchers are also sitting in the comfort of their safe, warm, inviting home. People all the time talk about living during a zombie invasion and how easy it would be, but do you think you could really be a master zombie slayer when throwing fear into the mix? Try thinking quick on your feet when mixing in fear, panic, anxiety, terror, chaos, and every other negative emotion that comes along with the apocalypse.

But forget all that noise, because Remy and I are two arrogant horror bastards who (think) we know better than the characters on screen. Time and time again we have to watch characters make the same dumb decisions just to advance the plot, and we’re sick and tired of it. Don’t get me wrong, half the movies that fall into that cliched category still rule, because some decisions absolutely have to be made in order to create tension, but that doesn’t mean a few horror movies could have lasted all of thirty minutes given proper “horror logic.”

Alright, time for Remy and I to blow your minds with some script altering moments of reason that would have saved us some time, avoided destruction, nullified some horror, and maybe even saved some lives.

Next

Remy – Pet Sematary

Pet Sematary Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

I realize the loss of a child must be the very worst thing in the world, and I will not pretend to know I know (or want to ever know) what that feels like, or how irrational you may get in the wake of such an event. Having that out of the way, I would still like to believe that, regardless of the tragedy that had befallen me, were I in Pet Sematary, I STILL would have known better than to bury my son in a graveyard that is known to bring pets back from the dead, but bring them back “different.” It’s totally a variation on the classic tale A Monkey’s Paw, and the idea that we need to be careful what we wish for, because we may just get it – though not how we intended.

Again, I cannot pretend to know what goes through your mind when you lose a child, but I really think “bringing him back from the dead” would not be one of the options I would willingly play around with.

Then again, I also would like to think I wouldn’t let me son get run over by a truck, when it could have easily been prevented.

Great film, terrible parents.

Previous Next

Nato – The Purge

ethan hawke s the purge unleashes a night of terror Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

Let’s start with the film that inspired this article, shall we?

While I saw The Purge and gave it a passable review for creating themes which are creative and rewarding, it also unfortunately displays some of the most absolutely mind-boggling horror logic ever fathomed (or forgotten). I mean, do James DeMonaco’s characters live in a world where horror movies don’t exist? I’ve never, ever been one of those people yelling at the screen during a horror movie, because I absolutely detest those people, but I literally had to muzzle myself before I turned into everything I hate.

The set up is pretty simple – a beaten man seeks refuge in Ethan Hawke’s house, masked murderers show up saying they’ll kill everyone if they aren’t given the man within a certain time frame, Ethan Hawke struggles with emotions and morals, and his family ends up having to fight the masked murderers off after they decide against throwing their “guest” to the wolves.

What goes down during these events will infuriate horror fans, as Hawke’s family breaks every rule in the book. They split up, make every wrong decision, let emotions get in the way, try to fight back, don’t think rationally in making decisions, fight amongst themselves, waste time – anything the Sandins can do wrong, they will do wrong.

So what would I do differently if I were Papa Sandin? Simple – hand the homeless victim over. I get the whole argument that the Sandins refuse to participate in such barbaric acts and are above purging, keeping their souls pure and good, but let’s be honest – it’s about survival. According to the film, the Purge has been going on for about ten years. How do the Sandins not know by now that psychos roam free for twelve hours and there’s literally no predicting the vile depths they’re willing to sink to? It’s a simple choice really – hand over a man you don’t know on a night where countless lives are lost, or risk losing your entire family over a moral conundrum people won’t have the time to even acknowledge.

You’re a good man Mr. Sandin, don’t get me wrong. You’re a good man, but you’re also an unnecessarily stupid man.

Previous Next

Remy – Dawn of the Dead (Original)

dawn of the dead 670x357 Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

Remember – we are talking about those old-school zombies that are slow as hell, falling down as they are trying to get you. Not the remake zombies, which have all the running skills of Usain Bolt. My fat ass would not last a second in that world, but in the old school zombie world, the answer is easy, and made even easier if you are at a mall. You just go to the sporting goods store (which clearly they do show in the movie), get all the treadmills, set them up to run on the main power source in the mall, and you line the outside wall with them, facing outward.

Come on, we have all seen the memes and pics on the web that show this idea, and it is simply brilliant. I also firmly believe, if you watch the old Romero series, it is implied by Day and Land that the zombies start to remember, and they get conditioned to certain behaviors, so once they got shot off treadmills for a day or so, they would have realized they had no way of getting to their food source, and eventually just stopped and moved on. You see on multiple occasions that it is implied electricity is still on, and so as long as you have that for a few days, you can secure that mall. On top of that, the mall itself would have proper provisions to last a long time in a post apocalyptic world.

Treadmills, a zombie’s worst enemy.

Previous Next

Nato – Paranormal Activity

%name Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

I’ll admit seeing the first Paranormal Activity in theaters was one of the scariest experiences I’d had in a long while, but that still doesn’t mean the entire freaking situation was avoidable. Don’t get me wrong, Katie was fucked from the beginning, there was no saving her. But Micah? As much as he deserved his horrible fate for being an utter moron, that man could have walked out unharmed if he wanted to.

For those that haven’t seen this low-budget sensation, the story revolves around a girl who is haunted by a demon that won’t let her go. When she moves in with her boyfriend Micah, the couple being to notice strange occurrences, and Micah sets up a camera surveillance system to track what could be happening. Of course it ends up being a demon, and as things get worse and worse, Micah is willing to try anything to free his girlfriend Katie.

So what does Micah do wrong? Everything. Ugh, every, single, thing. The specialist says the demon is attracted to negative energy? Micah fights with Katie. The couple is told not to acknowledge it and invite it in their home? Micah sets up cameras for 24/7 coverage and randomly shouts insults at it. Micah is told not to try and make contact? He takes out a Ouija board so he can play games with it. It’s a good thing they brought in someone who knows how to handle these situations, am I right?

Alright, so you may be asking how I would have done things differently. How would I have saved my girlfriend from the clutches of an evil demon (and let’s not even go into the mythology Paranormal Activity 2, 3, and 4 bring up)? Um, I wouldn’t. Sorry babe, I love you and all, but, um, I didn’t sign up to fight evil forces and shit. I get chivalry and loving someone so much you’d literally do anything for them – but did anyone ever say that had to include exorcisms and ghostbusting? Old schoolers like Shakespeare wrote about challenging honor and others for love, not malevolent forces we can’t possibly understand. Not to be a dick or anything, but you can take your murderous sidekick and leave my house immediately. A monster-in-law I can handle, but cultist shit and demons are a whole other story, and a secret no one should keep from a person they’re about to live with.

Baggage is one thing, but killer baggage is where I draw the line with my love interests.

Previous Next

Remy – Evil Dead (Both)

evil dead jane levy trailer Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

Okay, I am thinking with my penis on this one, and letting you know that right away. I have gone away to cabins in the woods (grins) with friends many times, and even if you do find evil shit, you tend to be distracted by all the sex and drugs you are doing. But wait, they’ll say. In the remake, they were trying to get her OFF drugs, so no one was getting messed up ON them. Listen, I always smoke weed, so regardless of what any of them were doing, I would have been sneaking off to get my smoke on once and hour, and when I would come back from that, I would probably find one of the lovely (demon?) ladies to partner off with. That is how young libido’s work. Plus, also in a nod to Cabin in the Woods, don’t you guys know – the pot smoker always survives. Well, not past The Old Ones, but pretty damn close.

The other option, car or not, as soon as I see one of my friend’s possessed, I am fucking out of there. Gone. Running faster than a cartoon character before that bridge can even break.

Previous Next

Nato – Gremlins

3412875 f520 Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

*OK, I’m cheating here a tad because our main character doesn’t die, but I can still apply my knowledge to the situation!

You’re given the gift of a mystical creature no one else will ever have, he’s absolutely adorable, brightens the mood of everyone around him, sings, chills in bed with you, and all you have to do is follow three simple rules – never get it wet, don’t shine bright light on it, and never feed it after midnight. Simple, right? Yes, for anybody but Zach Galligan’s character Billy Peltzer. Honestly, the way he treats Gizmo makes me wish the Humane Society stepped in and rescued this little Mogwai, making sure Gizmo’s sad face appeared in a commercial with Sarah McLachlan playing in the background.

I mean, it’s easy, just follow the rules. Billy repeatedly flashes bright lights at Gizmo, prompting his heart-melting cries for help “BRIGHT LIGHT! BRIGHT LIGHT!” Poor little guy! But if consistently tormenting Gizmo through stupidity wasn’t enough, Corey Feldman then displays his lack of coordination like an awkward superhero by spilling a cup of water on Giz. You’re two for three there big guy, you’ve got one more strike. Can Billy save his at bat? Of course not. All the other Mogwais get Billy to feed them after midnight, thanks to some devious trickery, and thus our terrorizing Gremlins were born – kicking Gizmo’s ass along the way.

gizmo gremlins light shine face 1356427511O Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

What would I have done differently? Um, how about be a responsible pet owner, especially with the most fantastical creature ever? How could you not want to do everything in your power to keep such an enchanting creature from the moment he pops out of his little box? I’d have those rules plastered in my head, and there’s no way I’d ever let anything like that happen to my Gizmo. No bright lights is simple – keep the shades closed, avoid reflections, flashlights, anything of that nature. No water? Great, just don’t be a klutzy idiot, it’s not like Gizmo is trying to jump in pools or anything. He knows just as much to be good, all you’ve got to do is work with him. Oh, and no feeding after midnight? Just look at a clock you dummy. Again, Giz isn’t going to try and fool you, those were just his water clones, so as long as you’ve only got Giz to worry about, he’ll help you out with that one as well. Simple, see? Crisis averted, no slimy Gremlins running around, and everyone can have an epic, safe Christmas.

Oh, and you’ve got the greatest chick magnet in the world. You think having a dog is adorable? How could this not work:

tumblr lsksa080zv1qgvur0o1 500 Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

Or this:

Santa Gizmo Nato And Remys Last Stand: Six Horror Movies We Could Have Lived Through

Great, now I’m depressed again because I’ll never own a Gizmo…

Alright readers, which horror movies do you think you could make it out of alive and what would you have done differently? Use that horror logic you’ve gained from watching countless horror movies!

*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:

Matt Donato

Remy Carreiro

Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where Remy and I talk about our favorite home invasion horror villains!

Previous
Promoted Content
  • Iam_Sparticus

    Amityville Horror – the minute you hear the voice saying “GET OUT!” Well………GET THE EFF OUT!!

    • Earych

      Eddie Murphy would agree.

  • Catherine Bliss

    Here is my question… in Gremlins, you were not supposed to feed them after midnight right? well was that local time? PST? EST? And what time were you allowed to start feeding them? Was it 12am-12pm, or maybe until 6am? 8am?

    • Matt Donato

      haha oh jeez, my head is spinning now. Let’s just say it was whatever timezone the little guy was in…

      • Catherine Bliss

        Makes sense, but when can they start eating?

        • Matt Donato

          the minute the sun is up? let’s pretend it has something to do with the sun setting and rising haha

          • Catherine Bliss

            Now what about daylight savings?… Just kidding. Just one of those things we will likely never know for sure but Dawn seems like a good time for them to be able to start again.

    • Earych

      Gremlins 2 discusses all of this.

  • trent

    Jaws anyone i always hated shark movies, because all they have to do is stay like 6 feet from the water and the threat is 100% gone

  • Ash

    Or save the man and keep your humanity….Its your choice.

    • Matt Donato

      Yup, I’m going with saving my own ass.

  • lulu

    Is Dora a goblin if she is :-)

  • lulu

    Because I hate goblins

  • lulu

    :p

  • Ezell

    so your way out of most of these situations is being a coward? The coward always dies in the movie. Karma is a real driving force in a horror movie universe, and the second you run away, you’re done

    • Remy Carreiro

      If Karma existed outside of books, Rumsfeld and Cheney would be rape victims. Spare me the Buddhism. It’s a horror article.

      • Jerome

        And what would your hero obama be? A black man in the ghetto?

        • Remy Carreiro

          My hero? Oh, that is rich. My hero is whoever sneaks into your house while you are sleeping and murders your family. No politician has ever been a hero of mine. H.H Holmes. Now THERE is a hero. Google it, dick.

    • vangpo

      Well said Ezell. I was thinking the same thing as I read the article. Remy’s a little bitch.

      • Cameron Demmings

        That last sentence is golden lol. And if we’re to believe his comments, 100% accurate.

  • Robert

    The 2nd “House of the Dead” movie! One of the “experienced” soldiers sees a student sitting at a table in a dark library and goes to ask if he’s okay, after they had recently fought several zombies to get in there. Also left his group help some lady in the shadows that happened to be a zombie leading him into a trap. I practically cheered when he got his.

  • Shmee

    I agree with most of these except “The Purge”. Whats stopping the creeps from just killing you and your family when (or anytime after) you give up the homeless guy. I mean the main bad/creepy guy shot his own friend, so you can’t really assume he’s a man of his word. Also even if he was honorable and left after killing the homeless guy then you would still have to deal with the asshole neighbors coming after you. I think what they should have done was stay together and work with the homeless guy (military trained remember) to fight off the creeps and the neighbors.

  • Eldorado

    This is slightly funny but so badky written. What has to do “A Monkey’s Paw” with the true meaning of Pet Sematary? 99 percent of this new kind of geek articles we are reading are freelance junior journalism, written by narcicistic bloggers.

    • Matt Donato

      What does A Monkey’s Paw have to do with Pet Sematary? Um, Remy explained that in the very next sentence… “It’s totally a variation on the classic tale A Monkey’s Paw, and the idea that we need to be careful what we wish for, because we may just get it – though not how we intended.”

      • Remy Carreiro

        BADKY written. You insult our writing with awful writing.
        Dude, go back to Reddit.

        • Bob

          Remy, you are SO angry. Lol.

          • Remy Carreiro

            I clearly need therapy. Hahaha

  • seanie boy

    Sorry Remy, but some of what the other comments said are not far off. There’s too much jumping around. Sort of like you ran out of good “10 most” ideas. saying what YOU would do in a horror movie is a cliche as you say it is. However, you don’t get points for laying it out, then doing it.

    There’s a few run on sentences where you basically use a thesaurus to lay out the word “fear” and “terror”. ..It’s a little exhausing. Not to mention arguing back with your reader for how they spell? Silly dude.

    oh and just to call it out for the millionth time. Number one rule in a
    zombie apocalypse is always save
    power…. Treadmills? Give me a
    break junior.

  • Mike Pfeiffer

    #1 Stop being the grammar police its the internet . #2 Don’t turn into a bitter little bitch when someone disagrees with your writing or logic. You posted the article which makes it acceptable to criticism so respectfully acknowledge the criticism or don’t publish the article. #3 Most of your rationale for solutions to survival were rather cynical IMO. And it kind of seemed like you picked a handful of popular horror movies and offered your insights on how to avoid death.

    Now if you wanna retort defensively bc you feel your journalistic integrity has been challenged then be my guest but don’t act like a childish bitter little baby when someone disagrees with you or has a criticism.

    @kbounce And lets make fun of ppls online screen names bc that defensive mechanism makes us look really tough and cool. Go back to grade school guy.

  • Josiah Spiess

    Jaws 2 and every Jaws movie after: seeing a bunch of people eaten would have kept me out of the ocean. In fact, I would have moved to the mainland. Utah maybe.

    The Lost Boys: why the hell would you move to the ‘murder capital of the world’ anyway?

    Pretty much any zombie movie: prep. All you really need is a way to keep the zombies out and lots and lots of water and, in the meantime, eat at buffets 2 or 3 times a week. Then just live off the fat. It’s a diet and a survival strategy all in one.

    Oh, and if you’re the owner of a gunshop and trapped on your roof, try shooting ALL the zombies instead of just playing games with them.

    • Lane Meyer

      They addressed that in that mini-movie that was on the DVD. The gunshop owner was up there for two days just shooting the zombies. He went through around 2500 rounds before he realized he would be out of bullets long before he ran out of targets.

  • HannahMcAlpine

    “I would have been sneaking off to get my smoke on once and hour…The other option, car or not, as soon as I see one of my friend’s possessed, I am fucking out of there.” The woods are alive, that is why they can’t simply run away. In the original, Scotty tries to get away but returns maimed. Most likely you would have been raped by trees, so I don’t think either of those would work. I think the best solution would have been to turn off the tape/not read the book (especially since the “re-make” has warnings scribbled all over the pages).

  • Tymah

    You may have missed part of the point of the dead beginning to remember things in Dawn Of The Dead. The reason they were going to the mall wasn’t because it was a food source, it was because they were emulating what they did when they were alive. The original survivors would have been fine the way they barricaded themselves in, without wasting electricity on running a bunch of treadmills constantly, but Tom Savini and his motorcycle gang showed up to loot the place, and let the dead in.

    • Earych

      The sad part is they were getting ready to leave when the bikers attacked. Steven got pissed seeing the place getting trashed and began to fight back. Then poor Peter had to step in and help Steven. Its funny that the only people who died in DOTD were the ones who lost self control.

  • Josh

    Let’s be honest, almost any horror film can be survived. Take Scream, for example–just don’t answer the goddam phone! Yes, he may call you for a half-hour straight but ignore him. Or The Strangers..don’t answer the door in the early am hours. And if you do, run them over when they step in front of your car!

    • mrlego611

      But in Scream, the killer will come after you no matter what. Answer the phone or not, he/she will come after you.

      • Lane Meyer

        Yeah, not answering the phone wouldn’t work.

        Answering the phone and then going upstairs and locking yourself in the bathroom with a shotgun would have.

    • Lane Meyer

      “The Strangers” is annoying on every level imaginable. I would have been all like, “There are teenagers outside. Wearing masks. I have a shotgun. I think I see a way out of this.”

    • Benji

      Wow, someone completely missed the point of scream. It’s satire, it’s poking fun at clichés, that’s the point.

  • Sam

    The Purge is a thriller. Not a horror… good god.

    • Mike Keith

      wrong, its both

  • Darwin Rivers

    Most horror movies are survivable. Most of the time, there’s always at least one character who has his/her sh!t together, realizes what’s going on (people are disappearing and there’s blood everywhere. Wonder if there’s a connection?), and can formulate a plan of action. The thing that always trips up this relatively bight lite in a sea of dimness are the other illogical characters in the movie. Trying to overcome their ridiculous behaviors always get the bright lite extinguished.

    Therefore, I submit, in any horror movie situation, the first course of action MUST BE to identify everyone as either RATIONAL or IRRATIONAL.
    If you’re going to cry like a baby, throw a fit, or wait for the police to find your partially eaten, decomposed corpse, then you are irrational … please step to the right.
    If you’re organized,want to formulate an escape plan, gather weapons, and find safety, then congratulations: you are rational … please step to the left.

    Now all you people on the right (the irrational ones), please wait right here for impending death. Oh, and by the way, here’s a hand grenade. Please pull the pin just before whatever’s trying to kill us murders you; you don’t even have to release the grenade … it’ll just role out of your lifeless hands postmortem. And thanks for playing.

    Everyone on the left (Rational folks): Let’s gather weapons, organize, formulate a plan, and get the Hell out of here. But most importantly rational people, now that we’ve shed the irrational baggage, let’s act like the championship team we are and SURVIVE!

  • Lane Meyer

    I think I’d do pretty well in a “Texas Chainsaw” flick. There’s no such thing as a saw toting retard that doesn’t just die when you shoot them in the face. I never go on long distance trips unarmed. It’s just stupid. Better yet, I’d never have to even confront that situation because I keep to the fucking interstate no matter what. No shortcuts or back roads for me, thank you.

    I don’t think you’d survive “Evil Dead” with the attitude you have. I think if you took off running, you’d just wind up gang raped by a bunch of horny trees and come back possessed by evil demons with a bunch of splinters in your asshole. No one survives “Evil Dead”. Except Ash. Because, he’s fucking awesome.

  • Ryan

    It occurs to me that the author of this post really has no idea what true love is. How about just regular love? I mean, you strike me as the type of person who if you see someone being bullied by another random person, you will debate in your mind if its worth stepping up. But if they’re getting attacked a group of say four people, it doesn’t even register as an option. Granted some of these examples are of horrible choices made. But the solution being don’t help at all? In my head these are the actions of a heartless coward.

  • dannybell1805

    any slasher flick ever – back to the corner of a room with a shotgun(even though the characters in these films seem to be the only non-gun-owning Americans in existence…….even a knife, crowbar or baseball bat would do) keep an eye on the doors and windows and wait for sunrise. simples.

  • pbennito

    Purge……..giant fire trap/bomb from “I am Legend” …….just saying

  • http://mb-dh-enterprise.com/MikeStuff/Misc.html mikedbarker

    Aliens 2. You’re 300 hundred years in the future and you don’t send a robot with a camera in to check out the situation and you leave your landing craft unsecured,

  • Remy Carreiro

    You have offended me by using COZ. The fuck is COZ?
    Come on, man, lighten the fuck up or atleast learn to spell and insult people without sounding like your cousin gave birth to you.

  • kbounce

    Also, this comes from a person who chose to call him(her?)self BIEBER. Grain of salt, Remy. Grain of salt.

  • Remy Carreiro

    Very well said, my friend.