Quick Remy Disclaimer: All the movies I chose I adore as horror films, and this article is by no means a reflection of me thinking these films are not awesome – because they are. I just know myself pretty well, and I would have handled some of these situations differently is all.
Quick Nato Disclaimer: I echo Remy’s sentiments for the most part. Some films I definitely adore more than others though – you’ll know once you see my picks.
When watching a horror movie, the hardest thing to do is leave the “horror logic” unquestioned. We all like to believe we know better than the characters on screen, and we all like to convince ourselves we’d make it out alive if stuck in the same scenario, but thankfully the reality of the matter is we’ll never know. Have you heard of anyone ever having to fight a demon in their dreams or escape from the clutches of a killer doll?
The element people forget about though is fear. Sure, hindsight is a powerful thing, and that’s what movie watchers get the benefit of when not acting out the scenarios, but watchers are also sitting in the comfort of their safe, warm, inviting home. People all the time talk about living during a zombie invasion and how easy it would be, but do you think you could really be a master zombie slayer when throwing fear into the mix? Try thinking quick on your feet when mixing in fear, panic, anxiety, terror, chaos, and every other negative emotion that comes along with the apocalypse.
But forget all that noise, because Remy and I are two arrogant horror bastards who (think) we know better than the characters on screen. Time and time again we have to watch characters make the same dumb decisions just to advance the plot, and we’re sick and tired of it. Don’t get me wrong, half the movies that fall into that cliched category still rule, because some decisions absolutely have to be made in order to create tension, but that doesn’t mean a few horror movies could have lasted all of thirty minutes given proper “horror logic.”
Alright, time for Remy and I to blow your minds with some script altering moments of reason that would have saved us some time, avoided destruction, nullified some horror, and maybe even saved some lives.Next
Remy – Pet Sematary
I realize the loss of a child must be the very worst thing in the world, and I will not pretend to know I know (or want to ever know) what that feels like, or how irrational you may get in the wake of such an event. Having that out of the way, I would still like to believe that, regardless of the tragedy that had befallen me, were I in Pet Sematary, I STILL would have known better than to bury my son in a graveyard that is known to bring pets back from the dead, but bring them back “different.” It’s totally a variation on the classic tale A Monkey’s Paw, and the idea that we need to be careful what we wish for, because we may just get it – though not how we intended.
Again, I cannot pretend to know what goes through your mind when you lose a child, but I really think “bringing him back from the dead” would not be one of the options I would willingly play around with.
Then again, I also would like to think I wouldn’t let me son get run over by a truck, when it could have easily been prevented.
Great film, terrible parents.
Nato – The Purge
Let’s start with the film that inspired this article, shall we?
While I saw The Purge and gave it a passable review for creating themes which are creative and rewarding, it also unfortunately displays some of the most absolutely mind-boggling horror logic ever fathomed (or forgotten). I mean, do James DeMonaco’s characters live in a world where horror movies don’t exist? I’ve never, ever been one of those people yelling at the screen during a horror movie, because I absolutely detest those people, but I literally had to muzzle myself before I turned into everything I hate.
The set up is pretty simple – a beaten man seeks refuge in Ethan Hawke’s house, masked murderers show up saying they’ll kill everyone if they aren’t given the man within a certain time frame, Ethan Hawke struggles with emotions and morals, and his family ends up having to fight the masked murderers off after they decide against throwing their “guest” to the wolves.
What goes down during these events will infuriate horror fans, as Hawke’s family breaks every rule in the book. They split up, make every wrong decision, let emotions get in the way, try to fight back, don’t think rationally in making decisions, fight amongst themselves, waste time – anything the Sandins can do wrong, they will do wrong.
So what would I do differently if I were Papa Sandin? Simple – hand the homeless victim over. I get the whole argument that the Sandins refuse to participate in such barbaric acts and are above purging, keeping their souls pure and good, but let’s be honest – it’s about survival. According to the film, the Purge has been going on for about ten years. How do the Sandins not know by now that psychos roam free for twelve hours and there’s literally no predicting the vile depths they’re willing to sink to? It’s a simple choice really – hand over a man you don’t know on a night where countless lives are lost, or risk losing your entire family over a moral conundrum people won’t have the time to even acknowledge.
You’re a good man Mr. Sandin, don’t get me wrong. You’re a good man, but you’re also an unnecessarily stupid man.Previous Next
Remy – Dawn of the Dead (Original)
Remember – we are talking about those old-school zombies that are slow as hell, falling down as they are trying to get you. Not the remake zombies, which have all the running skills of Usain Bolt. My fat ass would not last a second in that world, but in the old school zombie world, the answer is easy, and made even easier if you are at a mall. You just go to the sporting goods store (which clearly they do show in the movie), get all the treadmills, set them up to run on the main power source in the mall, and you line the outside wall with them, facing outward.
Come on, we have all seen the memes and pics on the web that show this idea, and it is simply brilliant. I also firmly believe, if you watch the old Romero series, it is implied by Day and Land that the zombies start to remember, and they get conditioned to certain behaviors, so once they got shot off treadmills for a day or so, they would have realized they had no way of getting to their food source, and eventually just stopped and moved on. You see on multiple occasions that it is implied electricity is still on, and so as long as you have that for a few days, you can secure that mall. On top of that, the mall itself would have proper provisions to last a long time in a post apocalyptic world.
Treadmills, a zombie’s worst enemy.
Nato – Paranormal Activity
I’ll admit seeing the first Paranormal Activity in theaters was one of the scariest experiences I’d had in a long while, but that still doesn’t mean the entire freaking situation was avoidable. Don’t get me wrong, Katie was fucked from the beginning, there was no saving her. But Micah? As much as he deserved his horrible fate for being an utter moron, that man could have walked out unharmed if he wanted to.
For those that haven’t seen this low-budget sensation, the story revolves around a girl who is haunted by a demon that won’t let her go. When she moves in with her boyfriend Micah, the couple being to notice strange occurrences, and Micah sets up a camera surveillance system to track what could be happening. Of course it ends up being a demon, and as things get worse and worse, Micah is willing to try anything to free his girlfriend Katie.
So what does Micah do wrong? Everything. Ugh, every, single, thing. The specialist says the demon is attracted to negative energy? Micah fights with Katie. The couple is told not to acknowledge it and invite it in their home? Micah sets up cameras for 24/7 coverage and randomly shouts insults at it. Micah is told not to try and make contact? He takes out a Ouija board so he can play games with it. It’s a good thing they brought in someone who knows how to handle these situations, am I right?
Alright, so you may be asking how I would have done things differently. How would I have saved my girlfriend from the clutches of an evil demon (and let’s not even go into the mythology Paranormal Activity 2, 3, and 4 bring up)? Um, I wouldn’t. Sorry babe, I love you and all, but, um, I didn’t sign up to fight evil forces and shit. I get chivalry and loving someone so much you’d literally do anything for them – but did anyone ever say that had to include exorcisms and ghostbusting? Old schoolers like Shakespeare wrote about challenging honor and others for love, not malevolent forces we can’t possibly understand. Not to be a dick or anything, but you can take your murderous sidekick and leave my house immediately. A monster-in-law I can handle, but cultist shit and demons are a whole other story, and a secret no one should keep from a person they’re about to live with.
Baggage is one thing, but killer baggage is where I draw the line with my love interests.Previous Next
Remy – Evil Dead (Both)
Okay, I am thinking with my penis on this one, and letting you know that right away. I have gone away to cabins in the woods (grins) with friends many times, and even if you do find evil shit, you tend to be distracted by all the sex and drugs you are doing. But wait, they’ll say. In the remake, they were trying to get her OFF drugs, so no one was getting messed up ON them. Listen, I always smoke weed, so regardless of what any of them were doing, I would have been sneaking off to get my smoke on once and hour, and when I would come back from that, I would probably find one of the lovely (demon?) ladies to partner off with. That is how young libido’s work. Plus, also in a nod to Cabin in the Woods, don’t you guys know – the pot smoker always survives. Well, not past The Old Ones, but pretty damn close.
The other option, car or not, as soon as I see one of my friend’s possessed, I am fucking out of there. Gone. Running faster than a cartoon character before that bridge can even break.
Nato – Gremlins
*OK, I’m cheating here a tad because our main character doesn’t die, but I can still apply my knowledge to the situation!
You’re given the gift of a mystical creature no one else will ever have, he’s absolutely adorable, brightens the mood of everyone around him, sings, chills in bed with you, and all you have to do is follow three simple rules – never get it wet, don’t shine bright light on it, and never feed it after midnight. Simple, right? Yes, for anybody but Zach Galligan’s character Billy Peltzer. Honestly, the way he treats Gizmo makes me wish the Humane Society stepped in and rescued this little Mogwai, making sure Gizmo’s sad face appeared in a commercial with Sarah McLachlan playing in the background.
I mean, it’s easy, just follow the rules. Billy repeatedly flashes bright lights at Gizmo, prompting his heart-melting cries for help “BRIGHT LIGHT! BRIGHT LIGHT!” Poor little guy! But if consistently tormenting Gizmo through stupidity wasn’t enough, Corey Feldman then displays his lack of coordination like an awkward superhero by spilling a cup of water on Giz. You’re two for three there big guy, you’ve got one more strike. Can Billy save his at bat? Of course not. All the other Mogwais get Billy to feed them after midnight, thanks to some devious trickery, and thus our terrorizing Gremlins were born – kicking Gizmo’s ass along the way.
What would I have done differently? Um, how about be a responsible pet owner, especially with the most fantastical creature ever? How could you not want to do everything in your power to keep such an enchanting creature from the moment he pops out of his little box? I’d have those rules plastered in my head, and there’s no way I’d ever let anything like that happen to my Gizmo. No bright lights is simple – keep the shades closed, avoid reflections, flashlights, anything of that nature. No water? Great, just don’t be a klutzy idiot, it’s not like Gizmo is trying to jump in pools or anything. He knows just as much to be good, all you’ve got to do is work with him. Oh, and no feeding after midnight? Just look at a clock you dummy. Again, Giz isn’t going to try and fool you, those were just his water clones, so as long as you’ve only got Giz to worry about, he’ll help you out with that one as well. Simple, see? Crisis averted, no slimy Gremlins running around, and everyone can have an epic, safe Christmas.
Oh, and you’ve got the greatest chick magnet in the world. You think having a dog is adorable? How could this not work:
Great, now I’m depressed again because I’ll never own a Gizmo…
Alright readers, which horror movies do you think you could make it out of alive and what would you have done differently? Use that horror logic you’ve gained from watching countless horror movies!
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro
Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where Remy and I talk about our favorite home invasion horror villains!Previous