Everything about Nurse 3D screams genuinely bonkers genre work, from Paz De La Huerta’s sensual modeling on the theatrical poster to the blood-soaked production stills released months ago, but absolutely nothing prepared me for Douglas Aarniokoski’s fun-filled look into the murderous life of a medical professional. Jam packed with limitless debauchery, gratuitous TNA, wacky narration, and splattery slayings showcasing enough blood to fill ten donor banks, not once are we given a movie that takes itself too seriously, and not once is there a lull in Paz De La Huerta’s consistently entertaining portrayal of a sultry psychopath apparently protesting panties. Nurse 3D succeeds as an erotic exploitation flick about cheating bastards and endearing character work – but it’s the explosive genre insanity that keeps our eyes glued to the screen.
Meet Abby (Paz De La Huerta) – a successful nurse whose nightly activities include seducing married men and killing the cheaters in deservingly brutal ways. Oozing sexuality, Abby also spends her days obsessing over one of the new nursing staff members, Danni (Katrina Bowden), a situation that becomes complicated when Danni starts showing signs of getting serious with her boyfriend Steve (Corbin Bleu). Abby, willing to do anything to have Danni all to herself, begins to sneakily set a devious plan in motion – a plan brimming with casualties. As Danni becomes aware of Abby’s strange stalking, every day becomes a deadly struggle for anyone who mistakenly stumbles upon the truth behind Abby’s deranged mindset. Need another reason to hate hospitals?
What can I say about Paz De La Huerta’s role as Abby? No, seriously, what the hell am I supposed to say? Going above and beyond to ensure every bit of dialogue fits the out-of-bounds mentality of Nurse 3D, there’s a certain enchanting charm to the way Paz eloquently mentions eating out Katrina Bowden’s asshole or slices open the throat of a random security guard. Sexy, seductive, and maniacal enough to hypnotize viewers by prancing about fully nude for half the film, Paz has so much fun playing a murderous vixen with a sweet obsession – and we’re thankful for every bare-breasted minute. Ms. De La Huerta reaches a level of hilarious over-characterization on a planet all by herself, creating a memorable, everlasting sociopath for horror nerds to fantasize about – and absolutely adore.
Considering that Douglas Aarniokoski’s previous horror attempts mostly bombed with critics and audiences alike, it’s our writer/director who impresses most of all. From the opening moments of Nurse 3D, we’re introduced to a world full of beautiful women and gory killings – a fantasy playground for horror fans craving a silly balance between gross-outs and laughs. While Paz’s accent and deceivingly innocent sensibilities are golden touches, it’s Aarniokoski’s wickedly unapologetic script that has Paz staging elaborate deaths while providing her own twisted rationale overtop. Nurse 3D is ripe with dark humor, being so utterly batshit insane to the point where we just throw our hands in the air and surrender to Abby’s intoxicating, sadistic charms. Of course, the likes of Katrina Bowden, Judd Nelson, Niecy Nash, and Adam Herschman supplement Paz’s absurdity with their own unique perspectives – some equally deplorable.
Kudos to anyone lucky enough to catch the film in full 3D, as intended, because a simple Video On Demand purchase will contain strange effects like computer generated shower water intended for full three-dimensional immersion – a strange bit when viewed on your TV. Don’t worry people, there’s a reason for such shots, and luckily Aarniokoski keeps all of Paz’s kills bright, inventive, and creatively varied, ranging from a simple throat slit to high-dives off of New York City rooftops. Judd Nelson’s torture scene perfectly displays just how goofy and loveable Abby becomes while in her serial killer mode, toying with Nelson’s character before getting trigger-happy with an electric bonesaw. Bloody good laughs, wacky gore, and Paz De La Huerta drenching herself in Judd Nelson’s red mist while gleefully chopping into him with surgical tools – and that’s not even close to her finest moment.
Finishing my viewing of Nurse 3D with a huge, approving grin plastered on my face, this zany character piece is nothing but good old horror fun. Well, OK, maybe not “old,” as Aarniokoski freshly deals with the unreported murders that apparently take place every year in hospitals around America (if we’re to believe an opening title card), but where else are you going to find a movie featuring a hot club scene makeout session between Paz De La Huerta and Katrina Bowden? What other bit of revolutionary scriptwriting claims “There is no cure for the married cock?” For the midnight movie fans out there looking for a riotous group watch, look no further and trust in this winning Paz De La Huerta sleaze-fest.
