Five Jaegers That Would Make A Pacific Rim Sequel Worth Our Time

pacific rim6 Five Jaegers That Would Make A Pacific Rim Sequel Worth Our Time

And so, with much sound and much fury, Pacific Rim has come and gone, and with it any hopes that it would be better than or worse than or exactly as good or as bad as it turned out to be. You guessed it: I’m not here to commit to a criticism. I just wanted to share with you five, hulking great ways that I thought the film could have been shaped into something more interesting that Gil Del Toro and company can feel free to pick clean for use in any sequel that Hollywood’s deep pockets elect to produce.

For those of you not in the know, Pacific Rim follows the adventures of a group of human-piloted gigantic robots nicknamed Jaegers. In the flimsiest of plot points in the movie’s 2-hours-plus duration, it is explained that each of the Jaegers must be piloted by a team of at least two humans as the direct mental interface ‘twixt man and machine puts a fair ol’ strain on the ol’ noggin. With that established, the smacking of monsters begins in earnest. Thing about it is, even with cool names like Gipsy Danger, Crimson Tornado and Santa Kill, Pacific Rim’s robo jocks just aren’t that memorable. In fact, they’re no more memorable than it would take to allow me to remember two of them in name alone and fabricate a third. See where I’m headed with this? You ought to if you’ve read the article’s title.

I hereby present five potential Jaegers for the filmmakers’ consideration for use in the inevitable sequel, before an (expected) third and final film in which the planet earth’s hallowed sphere herself might serve as a mighty balljoint in some cosmic metatomaton’s makings as truly celestial battle becomes the focus.

After all, ya gotta go bigger, right?

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JAEGER THE FIRST

Anyone who’s played Sonic the Hedgehog 2 will know the road we’re walkin’, here. Structurally speaking, the game’s final levels are a masterpiece of escalation, taking the young hedgehog (well, I PRESUME he’s young – he wears sneakers literally at all times) into the clouds and aboard a floating fortress before heading further north to Dr. Robotnik’s Death Egg where he encounters an automated replica of himself, followed soon after by a heaping spoonful of THIS:

maxresdefault Five Jaegers That Would Make A Pacific Rim Sequel Worth Our Time

That’s right – Robotnik’s Big Red Space Robot. I’m sure it has an official title buried off somewhere in the Segarchives, but so long as they’re still foisting this ‘Eggman’ moniker on any portion of their fanbase, I don’t wanna hear it. Anyway, back in the days when you had lives in videogames, you’d throw what precious little you had left squarely at Big Red Space Robot’s chest, and more often than not in vain.

My submission of Robotnik’s creation to the board of conspirators at Pacific Rim 2 HQ hinges on a pair of reasons. Firstly, it looks cooler from tip to toe than any one of their existing Jaegers, and secondly (and I think more pertinently), if the team of thinly-sketched archetype vessels posing as characters in the second film are faced with a plucky red echidna whose ability to glide and stick to walls is compromised by his inability to jump as high as his figurative giant blue monsterhog companion, Robotnik’s Jaeger (and specifically, Robotnik himself who obviously hides just within the upper reaches of the chest portion) will have absolutely nothing to worry about. Granted, the early warning system that alerts foes with an abundance of time precisely as to when they need to move out of the way of earlier-launched missiles will need to be scrapped, but everything else about this mechanical marvel would…

Make A Pacific Rim Sequel Worth Our Time.

(Onwards!…)

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JAEGER THE SECOND

REX Shinkawa Five Jaegers That Would Make A Pacific Rim Sequel Worth Our Time

Now, I thought long and hard about this for a minute or two, and out of the selection offered to us over the years by the wonderful Mr. Yoji Shinkawa, I finally settled on the original Metal Gear Solid’s “walking bipedal tank”, Metal Gear REX. Why? Well, for a start, he sounds like a dinosaur who’s been assembled from adamantium and diamonds and pieced together on a construction line by crazed, gigantic scientists. Metal Gear RAY, while very arguably the cooler mech in design terms, just sounds like that fella your mum warned you about that spends all his time taking apart the backs of clocks in the shadows in charity shops.

Rex’s mounted rail gun is sure to come in handy when it comes to the wanton destruction of seabeasts from a considered distance, but his crotch laser’ll take care of closer threats on foot, including (we all hope) a certain Charlie Day who’ll be subjected to a quick smiting in the sequel as a sort of visual catharsis for having to endure his performance in the first film. Best of all, though, REX’s speaker system will allow whoever’s piloting him to scream “It’s not over! Not yet!” as many times as they like to any beast of their choosing. So long as he remembers to scrape another Jaeger – Frank, in this case – from his heel before be heads into action, I believe in heart and soul that REX would be embraced by kids, toy companies and even those of infinitesimal nostalgia, and that more importantly, his presence would…

Make A Pacific Rim Sequel Worth Our Time.

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JAEGER THE THIRD

vmvg2f Five Jaegers That Would Make A Pacific Rim Sequel Worth Our Time

Arrive we now at perhaps the most obvious choice from the get-go, and before we start, don’t worry, I realise any of these suggestions would cost Pacific Rim 2: The Quickening’s makers a not-inconsiderable amount of deep fried cash in licensing issues alone, but I’ve seen the first film and figure they’ve money to burn, dig?

Now, on this next suggestion, I had twenty years worth of teen-piloted robots to choose from, but seeing as I stopped being a child quite literally the moment I became an adolescent, I’ll confess in the interest of full disclosure that I’m not so familiar with the ones I’ve never seen or heard of (as I find is most often the case). Presenteth I, then, my third choice – Tommy Oliver’s Dragonzord.

The (Mighty Morphin’) Dragonzord’s advantages over its rival, The Megazord, are many. Myriad, even. For a start, unlike the majority of giant war robots based on mythical creatures, it’s controlled by a flute, which is sure to confuse potential enemies as well as offering an opportunity for the latest chart sensations to get in on the act for a spot of cross-promotional action. Tommy’s flute would essentially serve the same purpose as John Connor’s boombox in Terminator 2. In addition, at its base size, it’s already the size of the Megazord’s five constituent robots after combination, so it offers better value for money and the filmmakers won’t have to stress out over explaining why one of their new Jaegers has five compatible pilots when finding two seems so DAMN DIFFICULT in the first film.

Best of all, though, is that it would surely be enough of an excuse to get Jason David Frank back on screen as Tommy Oliver, the best (and greenest) of all Power Rangers and still my go-to example for those who need one for guys whose full name is just three first names. Dude had the nicest hair, too. Really, like the kind they write parables about.

Tommy Oliver. Green Ranger. DRAGONZORD…

Make A Pacific Rim Sequel A Film Worth Our Time

(OK, that time was more of a plea)

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JAEGER THE FOURTH

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Hey, if you haven’t seen Pacific Rim (and thanks a whole bunch for reading this, if not), I just wanted to offer the possible consolation that if you’ve seen the intended final episode of Best Cartoon Ever Dexter’s Laboratory, “Last But Not Beast,” then don’t worry, because you basically have seen Pacific Rim, only a version with heart and humor and all kinds of H-words that Del Toro’s smashfest is lacking.

Therein, young Dexter takes his existing mech, the Robo-Dexo 2000, to Japan to fight a beast which has taken it upon himself to use his head (also an axe) to absolutely destroy the place. After a minor setback/total annihilation, he regroups, learns something about himself, and heads back into the fray, this time with family and friends in tow, before emerging victorious and wiping his parents’ memories so they don’t remember the ordeal. While Pacific Rim sadly lacks that last option, the two works are by and large comparable.

Pacific Rim 2: World Rim could be a lot more successful than the first by having one of its mechs piloted by a child. Think about it this way. Kids are awesome. Short Round, Anakin Skywalker, Fudge… movie audiences love little dudes who can handle themselves in relatively adult situations. It’s a marketing goldmine, too, because toy companies only have to use half the plastic to make the action figures but they’ll sell for as much, and we’ll all get a role model to boot. Remember when your folks bought you the two kids from Jurassic Park instead of that velociraptor? Evil won that Christmas, and dagnabbit, can win again! Why not pass the baton of disappointment to a whole NEW generation? It’s a win-win…win (…win?) situation. Guarantee it… Robo-Dexo 2000 can, will, and SHOULD…

Make A Pacific Rim Sequel Worth Our Time

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JAEGER THE FIFTH

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There’s no arguing it: Karl Urban is really, really cool. Let’s take things backwards a little. Remember that time I mentioned in an article that the Drazonzord from Power Rangers would make an awesome Jaeger in Pacific Rim 2: The Two Jakes? Well, something else that happens with striking regularity in Power Rangers is the gigantation of regular-sized folk so they can go head to head with the Rangers’ ‘zords. Ain’t no reason I can think of why the same logic-free technology couldn’t be implemented into a Pacific Rim sequel – after all, this is from the team that tried with a similar disdain for logic to sell us Charlie Hunnam as an action star, and Charlie Day as a movie star – just in general – and Karl Urban would seem a sensible choice to go head to head with giant monsters (and, in a possible twist… ROGUE JAEGERS THEMSELVES) in whatever choice of fancy duds he so chose.

Better still, he could be piloted by any number of actors (from Robert Forster to Bridgette Wilson by way of Barry Burton) who’d sit in his hair like that little guy in Ratatouille. You could essentially turn Pacific Rim Too into a buddy film in which a giant Karl Urban leads a selection of pop culture’s greatest robots into the heart of the sea, deepest space and beyond to fight indistinguishable squishy giants, set to an original rock opera score by Beyonce and Jay-Z and brought to you by Slim Jims. I can’t – I CANNOT – think of anything I want to see more.

So there you have it. Five ways in which you could Make A Pacific Rim Sequel Worth Our Time, Hollywood.

God knows that’s five more than the first film has.

Got any suggestions for robots (or, as established, just giant versions of existing human actors) you’d like to see in Pacific Rim 2: The One With Alfred Molina In It? Let us know in the comments section, or better yet, bombard the offices of Hollywood with them, and we’ll show ‘em how to make a movie people REALLY wanna see.

 

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  • SubSumeYou

    What a piece of tripe this article is.

    • S. Doblex Esquire

      Yes. Wait, no.

  • Haku

    Jet Jaguar from Godzilla vs Megalon. Enough said.

    • esher45@aol.com

      Actually, Del Toro SHOULD concetrated on a FULL pre-sequel where the First Kaiju attack on San Francisco starts (August 2013)…a Great Battle whaere the U.S. Army with RAF actually destroyed that Gigantis Kaiju (Trespasser) with small Nukes just outside Oakland city, CA and continue on until the Monstrous Kaiju Knifehead attack for Anchorage, Alaska in 2024 (would Love to see the Canadian Jeager Yukon Brawler fight the Scary looking Kaiju “Karloff” in Vacouver….Yeah!

      Pre-sequel PLEASE!!

      • S. Doblex Esquire

        Yeah, I was quite surprised that what I thought would be the film essentially happened BEFORE the film.

  • Metronil

    i gave up after 2nd paragraph…totally boring and lame.

    • S. Doblex Esquire

      Good thing you did, the article just ends right after those. You read the whole thing by accident.

  • Brian Sleider

    You said metal gear ray is cooler looking than metal gear rex, all your arguments are invalid.

    • S. Doblex Esquire

      I said that for Da Kids. I’m currying favour. I mean ‘favor’.

  • Dayman

    You don’t like Charlie Day. Thus, I don’t like you.

    • S. Doblex Esquire

      Who liked him in this movie? A person? I don’t think so.

  • jayleblanc

    pac rim was awesome, it sounds like you are trying to kill off the franchis with your ideas. horrible entry mate

    • S. Doblex Esquire

      Pac Rim.

  • J Hargraves

    Why did someone take the time to write this???????

    http://www.deviantart.com/art/Panzer-Project-Ifrit-Pacific-Rim-Inspired-371803159

    Try that if you want to see someone that put some time and effort into doing something creative.