5 Humble Suggestions For Next Year’s Academy Awards Ceremony

Academy Awards 5 Humble Suggestions For Next Year’s Academy Awards Ceremony

We should probably just admit that by their nature, the Academy Awards are an inherently unsatisfying entity, and it’s likely that no ceremony will ever make anyone happy, let alone everyone. That’s the nature of these types of self-congratulatory jerkfests that feature upper crust blowhards who moralistically decry world problems like poverty and hunger all while wearing literally millions of dollars worth of diamonds on their person. There’s a certain quality that dictates they essentially fail before they even have a chance to be enjoyable.

That’s not to say there are no enjoyable moments that break through the bleakness. If this year’s Golden Globe Awards prove anything, it’s that we can at least hope for the best case scenario of awards ceremonies potentially providing enough little tidbits of happiness amid the desperation for a show to break even on the laughs vs. eye rolls scale. The Oscars put in a valiant effort again this year, but by most accounts, failed pretty profoundly.

Are the Academy Awards doomed to being forever identified as a largely humorless, agonizingly self-righteous and self-important showcase of material excess and vapid anti-climax like they were again this year? Probably. But here are 5 ideas guaranteed to make next year’s a slight improvement at the very least.

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1) Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should host, obviously

Tina Fey Amy Poehler 5 Humble Suggestions For Next Year’s Academy Awards Ceremony

Their triumph at the Golden Globes (which shows how low the bar for these things is, because they were pretty much just super solid throughout but somehow this made them the best awards hosts ever) is an unequivocal fact by now. I guess the biggest surprise of it all was that we’ve seen so many solid comedians attempt and falter at these things that to see a couple seeming underdogs succeed was odd to say the least. Now, even MacFarlane and the Oscar producers have all but resigned themselves to the fact that Tina and Amy will host next year’s Academy Awards show, and everyone will be happy about this, and they possibly could save an otherwise tired ceremony.

I’m still trying to put my finger on why they were able to succeed where others have failed. They don’t quite have the detached “above it all” attitude that David Letterman or Jon Stewart understandably had. They seem to be edgy enough to throw out the odd bad taste joke, while still seeming nice enough for you to want to be friends with them. And they’re not nearly as smug as the Michael Buble wannabe that is Seth MacFarlane. Their presence should be the surest hit for any host in recent memory.

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2) Just have Adele sing all the Best Original Song picks

Adele 5 Humble Suggestions For Next Year’s Academy Awards Ceremony

Remember that year Beyonce seemed to sing every single song that was nominated for an Oscar at the awards ceremony? At the time that seemed weird. Now, it seems like it was an awesome idea. I don’t know if Bey had the credibility she enjoys now, but you know who does? Who’s universally beloved and an international treasure that seems to sing the hell out of every song that comes out of her mouth? Whose performance many considered to be the highlight of last weekend’s ceremony? Give me a minute, the name will come to me.

I suppose it’s possible that Adele could become involved in some scandalous story that could result in her falling from the public’s good graces, but given the fact that she has a bit of a reputation for being a tad sanctimonious and frequently demonstrating a sailor’s vocabulary, it’s hard to imagine anything that would make her a real villain. She could be the devil herself but as long as she has the voice of an angel we’ll ignore all that and give her a standing ovation at next year’s Academy Awards and every awards show before and after.

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3) Give Jennifer Lawrence an award for anything, maybe just for being Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence2 5 Humble Suggestions For Next Year’s Academy Awards Ceremony

I’m not on board the train that wants to see Lawrence host the awards next year, because as her Saturday Night Live gig demonstrated, she seems to operate best when she’s off-script. But she does need to get on stage, or on camera, or in front of a microphone as much as possible for next year’s awards to be significantly more entertaining. Her infamous fall, her post-win press appearance, and her encounter with Jack Nicholson instantly transformed her from a large contingent’s object of affection and admiration to Queen Of The Internet.

She actually has an outside chance of repeating next year anyway. She’s set to star in Serena, re-teaming with Silver Linings Playbook co-star Bradley Cooper, and also with director David O. Russell in his upcoming currently untitled project. Then there’s also her little franchise called The Hunger Games which she won’t receive or probably deserve awards attention for, but will no doubt offer a sizable number of media appearances resulting in some inevitably endearing YouTube clips.

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4) Maybe don’t cut people off with the music from Jaws. Except maybe Tarantino.

Life of Pi VFX 5 Humble Suggestions For Next Year’s Academy Awards Ceremony

Perhaps the most awkward moment from this year’s Academy Awards (though there were plenty to choose from) was when the team behind Life of Pi’s amazing visual effects delivered their acceptance speech. They took turns at the mic as some strangely foreboding music began to play them off. Just as the last dude started to talk about a colleague going through financial difficulties, he got completely drowned out by the music and had his microphone cut. This was douchey either because it was just an awkward way to limit the time winners had at the mic, or because they didn’t want anyone actually addressing the protest going on outside the theater. At best it was tacky; at worst, it was kind of awful to censor the speech of a guy just wanting to give credit for the award he just won to the company that went out of business, spawning the day’s protest.

I’d rather hear an award winner talk for a while than, say, have a 30-minute opening song and dance routine at the start of the ceremony. However, for anyone who watched the Spirit Awards the night before the Oscars, Safety Not Guaranteed writer Derek Connolly, clearly hammered from the free bottles of Jameson, demonstrated why people get played off in the first place. I’m sure it’s also a precaution against Quentin Tarantino quoting too much of his own dialogue in his acceptance speeches. Still, maybe use music that says “please, let us move on to the next category” rather than “IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THE STAGE WE’RE FEEDING YOU TO A SHARK.”

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5) No more musicals, please and thanks. At least not for a while.

Chicago1 5 Humble Suggestions For Next Year’s Academy Awards Ceremony

Hey, did you know Hollywood really likes musicals? Every goddamn chance it gets, the Academy Awards like to trot out any musical that’s had measly success and exalt the rebirth of the genre. This happens approximately every two years. Stop trying to make musicals happen. They’re not going to happen.

And this is from a guy who begrudgingly likes musicals. Ok, begrudgingly loves musicals. Musicals are like the Downton Abbey of movie genres. They shouldn’t work, they’re way too ridiculous and corny to possibly work, and then before you realize it, they’ve worked and you’re smitten. I’ve grown to accept this about myself after years of reflection and counselling. But seriously, to see the Academy celebrating how it gave its highest award to Chicago ten years ago (beating out Gangs of New York, and others that weren’t even nominated like About Schmidt and Adaptation) was everything that is wrong with the show. The Les Mis song was enjoyable but kind of straightforward and a whole lot of fuss about a movie that didn’t really come close to winning Best Picture. What if the Academy Awards paid tribute to comedies in a serious way? Probably because before The Artist last year, which had to be a period piece with a Hollywood-friendly gimmick of being a silent movie, the last real comedy to win was Annie Hall in 1977. That was 25 years before Chicago.

What do you think the Academy Awards ought to do to improve their show? Is it hopeless? Or maybe you like the whole production and find this Oscar-bashing annoying. Let us hear from you in the comments section below.

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