5 Humble Suggestions For Next Year’s Academy Awards Ceremony

We should probably just admit that by their nature, the Academy Awards are an inherently unsatisfying entity, and it’s likely that no ceremony will ever make anyone happy, let alone everyone. That’s the nature of these types of self-congratulatory jerkfests that feature upper crust blowhards who moralistically decry world problems like poverty and hunger all while wearing literally millions of dollars worth of diamonds on their person. There’s a certain quality that dictates they essentially fail before they even have a chance to be enjoyable.
[h2]4) Maybe don’t cut people off with the music from Jaws. Except maybe Tarantino. [/h2]

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Perhaps the most awkward moment from this year’s Academy Awards (though there were plenty to choose from) was when the team behind Life of Pi’s amazing visual effects delivered their acceptance speech. They took turns at the mic as some strangely foreboding music began to play them off. Just as the last dude started to talk about a colleague going through financial difficulties, he got completely drowned out by the music and had his microphone cut. This was douchey either because it was just an awkward way to limit the time winners had at the mic, or because they didn’t want anyone actually addressing the protest going on outside the theater. At best it was tacky; at worst, it was kind of awful to censor the speech of a guy just wanting to give credit for the award he just won to the company that went out of business, spawning the day’s protest.

I’d rather hear an award winner talk for a while than, say, have a 30-minute opening song and dance routine at the start of the ceremony. However, for anyone who watched the Spirit Awards the night before the Oscars, Safety Not Guaranteed writer Derek Connolly, clearly hammered from the free bottles of Jameson, demonstrated why people get played off in the first place. I’m sure it’s also a precaution against Quentin Tarantino quoting too much of his own dialogue in his acceptance speeches. Still, maybe use music that says “please, let us move on to the next category” rather than “IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THE STAGE WE’RE FEEDING YOU TO A SHARK.”

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