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5 Things That Would Make This Sunday’s Academy Awards Not Completely Terrible

For those of us who harbor extreme ambivalence toward the Academy Awards and all they stand for, the Oscar ceremony this coming Sunday is likely to be a pendulum swinging between severe annoyance and cautious excitement. The whole concept of the awards is both noble and preposterous, best epitomized by the people who blast the notion of ranking works of art until they win an award and are suddenly humbled and gracious in their acceptance of the statue they once considered meaningless. Many, including myself on most days, decry the Academy Awards as a vapid evening of excess and self congratulation, perpetuating the myth that Hollywood is doing good in the world, validating stars’ fragile egos, and dear god I hope my favorite movie/director/actor wins!

[h2]1) Argo doesn’t win[/h2]

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To avoid offering more backlash against the backlash against the backlash etc etc, I’m going to forego making a case against Argo as a future Best Picture winner. People can talk all they want about it being a poor man’s Zero Dark Thirty, a piece of populist pulp unworthy of the prestige it’s being granted, a sad, sanctimonious grasping at straws by the Hollywood establishment wanting to remain relevant by elevating a movie about Hollywood heroism; this isn’t that interesting to think about while you’re watching the awards unfold.

What would make it great if Argo was upset, by any of the nominees, would be the surprise angle. For weeks now, all the speculation has stated that Argo is the frontrunner by a country mile. It’s cleaned up all the guild awards, dominated the press with the widespread presumption that it’s Argo’s award to lose, and it even has the award-swaying juggernaut of influence that is Roger Ebert behind it. Ben Affleck’s pals are pulling for him. That’s precisely why it would be such a treat to see someone else handed the Oscar statue this year. It would be the Yankees losing Game 7 of the World Series. The Patriots losing on the last play of the Super Bowl. The fact that virtually every other film in the category is superior would just be icing on the cupcake.

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