Gem – Snow White and the Huntsman
The film’s obvious, and most well-criticised flaw is one upon which most agree: Kristen Stewart has all the charisma, acting prowess and seductive skill of a paper bag. As Charlize Theron’s Evil Witch stands proudly before the mirror to ask “who is the fairest of them all?” the first major error in the film’s fairy tale judgement arises, or possibly the mirror needs to get down to Specsavers, as it says more than once that K-Stew is more dollsome than the delectable Miss Theron. WHAT!?
And this impossible notion extends far beyond a questionable mirror, to two actual humans. One of those being Chris Hemsworth, aka, Thor, the studliest bastard this side of Channing Tatum, and the other a jack the lad British chap who happens to be a sodding Prince! It beggars belief that not one but two men, and not one but TWO franchises could cast a woman with the sexual dynamism of a menstruating warthog as a woman whose honour is worth defending and whose beauty is worth dying for. Rubbish. As soon as she appears onscreen, Bella, sorry, Snow White depends on every trope she bled dry for her role in Twilight. Long glances, sullen stares, lip biting, and a tendency to make the handling of simple props look like an attempt to build a suspension bridge out of tripe.
The only way K-Stew manages to amp up action into the role is when the writers liberally sprinkle deus-ex-machina-esque plot devices throughout her first twenty minutes. So she’s been locked in prison for years and coincidentally on the day some old git wants to cop a feel, she manages to a) notice a huge nail protruding from her window sill which has been there THE WHOLE TIME SHE WAS IN PRISON and b) work up sufficient strength to not only dislodge the nail but then wield it as a weapon and break her way out of the tower. Of course, because she’s got tons of strength after eating her own hair for 15 years. Then, after noticing a sewer grate (which has been left open, conveniently) she goes all Andy Dufresne and crawls through shit, piss, and the Queen’s monthly blood rats, emerging at the other end to find a white horse awaiting her. Sod. Off.
This sort of poor plotting only fuels the indignation felt by audiences worldwide towards Stewart – who makes no moves at all to appear as though she is at any point deserving of such good fortune. No. In fact, she does the exact opposite by repaying all of those who stood by her, all of those who sacrificed their lives by giving a motivational speech which roused a dying need in this writer to do ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD except join Snow White’s army.
The film’s minor saving grace is Theron, who, in her hammiest and most over-the-top role plays the Queen like a Lynchian miscreant. However, the only problem with allowing Theron full reign (don’t pardon the pun – it’s crap and it’s staying) is her accent. It wavers between hoity-toity English that no-one ever speaks and completely incomprehensible. As she briefs Hemsworth on his task to retrieve Snow White, she also asks him to “hunt hard on.” For PG-13, this writer thought such an open attitude to bisexuality in fairy tales was worth commending and the only part of the film which was unpredictable.
So you’ve heard it all, but which is actually the worst of the worst? Take to the comments and be sure to let us know!
If you’ve enjoyed this reading, feel free to check out any of our past entries:
Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Mark Wahlberg
Twilight Battle! Team Edward Vs Team Jacob
Battle Brad Pitt! Aniston Vs Jolie
Battle Batman! Bane’s Plan Vs The Joker’s Plan
Lord Of The Rings Battle! Who Is The Fiercest Fighter In All Of Middle Earth?
