7) X-Men Origins: Wolverine
I really think in the upper echelon of comic book movies that have been “fucked in the ass,” there are few who have gotten it quite as hard as Wolverine. I know this issue (HAHAHAHA, I am lame) has been talked to death, but I’m going to talk about it a bit more anyways. I mean, come on? How can you justify giving one of the most feral, badass, lethal comic book characters ever a PG-13 movie? I know Hollywood already watered Wolvie down for the X-Men movies, but at least they did him justice by keeping him out of the spotlight and only bringing him into fuck shit up.
But then he got his own movie and it made me want to pummel children. Suddenly, Wolverine is as deep and troubled as The Hulk was when Ang Lee got a hold of him. Don’t get me wrong, I know Wolverine is tortured, but how about you give him something to be tortured about first? No, instead, they made him a woodsman in the Pacific Northwest. Because, you know, comic fans love “Wolverine as Brawny man” storyline.
Next up, how about casting errors? Will.i.Am? REALLY? I’m not even sure if I’m punctuating his dumbass name right but I hate him and his shitty band so much that I refuse to look it up. And Taylor Kitsch as Gambit? Seemed like a good choice, until I saw how poorly he was written. I could keep going on and on, but I think we all know why we are here.
Deadpool.
I fucking love Deadpool. Love him. Love him so much.  So when I heard Ryan Reynolds was playing the character, I actually thought the casting was…spot on. He has to be cocky, annoying and somewhat funny. Yup, Ryan seemed a good fit. Even in the intro scenes when he was still Wade, he did a decent job at being that constant and annoying person that Wade Wilson would be.
Then the ending happened and my reaction was kind of like this:Â Did they just make Deadpool into a non-talking, Frankenstein-style, boss fight?
Then I threw my drink at the screen and walked out. Only a fucking asshole would take away the voice of Deadpool. That IS Deadpool. That is when I knew this bad adaptation thing was more than just a fluke. This was some spiteful asshole who obviously hated comics and hated the best things about them, so he was doing all he could to ruin their good name. That is the only thing that makes any sense here.
So now I have made it my job to find out who that person is. To find out where they live, whom they love, and why they are doing this. I guess you could say, that person is now my arch nemesis.
*Cue dramatic music as I stand on roof of building with cape flowing behind me.
