An Electronic Music Elitist’s Guide To Coachella 2016

If you’ve been anywhere on or around the Internet anytime over the past couple of weeks, you have to have seen Coachella’s 2016 lineup. While not primarily marketed as an electronic music event, the festival has undeniably slid further into the genre’s kitzchy depths in recent years and this year’s roster certainly didn’t break the trend. However, what hasn’t changed about Coachella is that it’s still a hipsterfest of monumental proportions. Names like Calvin Harris, Major Lazer and Zedd might tower over those that found their way buried in the fine print, but the culture of the gathering is built on a foundation of music fans fastidious enough to weed through every single line. Don’t worry, though - that doesn’t mean you have to. I happen to be an insufferable music elitist, which qualifies me to tell you exactly which artists the trendy attendees will go see so that you don’t have to look each of them up individually beforehand. The following ten electronic music artists wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near a main stage, and quite frankly, if you’re doing Coachella properly, then neither will you. 10) Tchami I know, I know, you’ve actually heard of Tchami before - that’s why he’s only the first entry. To be fair, though, he retains an undeniable measure of hipster appeal for one simple reason: He made future house before future house was cool. Well ahead of the time that artists like Oliver Heldens “jacked his style,” as he put it in an angry tweet, Tchami incorporated elements of ‘90s UK garage with the FQ sequencing methods that yield the metallic hum that is one of the most sought-after sounds in electronic music. If his latest Confessions podcast was any indicator, you can expect the most current bass house and G house tracks to find their way into his set. 9) Amine Edge & DANCE Another act who did a thing before that thing was a thing is Amine Edge & DANCE, and in this case the thing in question was G house. Before the hip-hop-infused style of the four-four phenomenon was ever adopted by the likes of Rob Made and Thee Cool Cats, what the French duo termed G house was almost like ‘90s-era hip-house or first-wave Detroit techno. Even as the style has evolved, though, Amine Edge & DANCE have stuck to their guns and continued to release what I suppose you could call “proto G house” at a rate that makes you wonder how they still have time to tour as much as they do. 8) Sasha Once upon a time, Sasha & Digweed were to progressive house what… Well, what Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike are to progressive house now that it’s been disfigured and corporatized beyond recognition by the contemporary EDM movement. Famous for their back-to-back sets at the English nightclub Renaissance in the ‘90s, the former duo popularized the driving, world music-colored grooves that would come to define an era of electronic music. In recent years, John Digweed is the half of the now defunct duo that’s seeing more success - so even though he’s also on the lineup, you have to go see Sasha instead because he’s more underground. Come on, that’s Hipsterism 101. 7) Snails Dubstep is absolutely uncool now, so you’re not a real contrarian if you don’t work a little bit of the thoroughly dated genre into your ‘Chella experience. That said, you don’t need to subject yourself to something that’s flat-out boring, either, so you might as well fill your quota with Snails. The “vomitstep” innovator’s signature style of bass music incorporates sawtooth synths that reverberate at such savagely low frequencies that they’ll practically rearrange your atomic structure. If anybody’s found a way to make dubstep even dubsteppier than it already was, it’s Snails. 6) Death Grips Remember how when mainstream hip-hop all started going to hell, emcees from the collective OFWGKTA like Tyler The Creator introduced a darker, more experimental brand of the genre that, while definitely a breath of fresh air, ultimately appealed more to suburban kids who wore skinny jeans than anyone else? Death Grips is infinitely darker and more experimental, and when it comes down to it their music just seems to come from a realer place. The collaboration between vocalist MC Ride, Zach Hill and Andy Morin began in 2011 with an especially avant-garde album, and the themes in their upcoming effort promise to be even more off putting. Even if you don’t like their music (which I'll even admit is pretty hard to sit through), you’d might as well show up for the story alone. 5) Maceo Plex If you think filling your entire Coachella schedule up with techno artists is gonna win you points with the music elitists, you’re sorely mistaken. Techno was the dance music hipster’s drug of choice in 2015, but as I’ve mentioned before, the tides are about to turn and it won’t be long before it falls out of their favor. So maybe you should see just one techno artist to make sure you don’t come across as a bandwagon jumper, and Maceo Plex is as good a candidate as any. The Spain-based U.S. transplant has been pushing the boundaries of the style since long before it was the genre du jour of aspiring music snobs that it is now. 4) Justin Martin I haven’t exactly been bashful in regards to my musical man crush on Dirtybird’s chief export, Justin Martin. Between his strict adherence to the elements that define proper house music and his knack for still finding ways to give his music mass appeal within those confines, his milkshake definitely brings all the snobs to the yard. Really, though, who else could write songs as serenely saccharine as “Don’t Go” or “Just Escape” and still manage to make them appeal to the discerning palate of the house music elite? You’re basically throwing your money away if you hit a festival at which he’s slated to perform and manage to miss his set. 3. Purity Ring Edmonton-based brother-sister duo Corin Roddick and Megan James perform as Purity Ring, a stage name which somehow eerily matches the understated darkness of their music. The balance struck by their songs between chill trap, trip-hop, witch house and synth pop is flavored with verses subversive enough to resonate with anyone who stands in defiance of the status quo. That, and this is just about the only set at which you’ll be able to listen to 808 drum rolls at Coachella without forking over your street cred altogether. That's gotta stand for something, right? 2) Hudson Mohawke No hipsterfest is complete without a set by an artist whose music sounds so strange that most of his fans aren’t even really sure if they like it or not. Hudson Mohawke’s unorthodox production methods and video-gamey arrangements capture the very essence of avant garde; they’re such an acquired taste that you pretty much have to be out of your right mind to like them. Listening to Hudson Mohawke is kind of like being one of those guys who eats obnoxiously spicy food for the sole purpose of bragging about it - but then again, so is being a hipster. If you manage to stay through his entire set, you’re definitely in. 1) George Fitzgerald At the heart of it all, however, being a true music elitist is more about the music itself and less about the status that listening to it grants you. George Fitzgerald may not be the most obscure name on the lineup, but when it comes to what he actually puts out, you’d be hard pressed to find an artist that creates remotely comparable soundscapes. What he released up until a couple of years ago fit neatly enough into the categories of house and techno, but in recent years it’s blossomed into a sound that uses the same analogue synthesizers - but in a way that makes you feel what nothing else on the market does. Fitzgerald’s melancholy, otherworldly progressions will make your hair stand on end - and maybe, for a short time, even forget that you’re trying to act cooler than everyone else.