Even after six seasons, I still find myself surprised by some of the events that take place on Jersey Shore. Not necessarily the big fights or “issues” that the roommates go through, but how they act as individuals in certain situations. Hey, speaking of situations, Mike has apparently been gagged and bound in a closet, leaving Bizarro Mike to run rampant and do crazy things like maintain a monogamous relationship and break addictions. But luckily for us, Mike is just too unbelievably naive to fully grasp how relationships work.
For example, in Control the Crazy, he takes Paula out on a double date with Deena and Chris, and after she makes a dirty yet funny joke, he spills to Chris about how much she embarrasses him with her crass sense of humor. Yes, the guy who rips his shirt off in clubs, dry humps anything vertical and can’t finish a sentence without using words like “yo!” or “y’know?” has had his sensibilities offended by his girlfriend. Apparently he sees this as fair reason to ditch Paula in the club and hang out with the guys and random promiscuous women instead. Somehow she’s not even too mad about it. Guys, take this as a sign that you’re life is incomplete: a woman as funny, understanding and decently good looking as Paula is dating a man who couldn’t spell to save his muscles.
But enough about Mike, I can feel my brain cells jumping off of the highest lump they can find. Deena’s drunken breakdown at the end of the last episode got her parents to come down to the house to calm her down, and they do so perfectly. Her mother, the voice of reason, reminds her that you can drink and have fun, just don’t be stupid about it. Deena retaliates with something about “Meatballs,” but I like to think the message stuck.
In case it didn’t, Sam was right there to keep knocking some sense into her. Deena tried to act offended and like she didn’t know there was a problem, but for once, Sam’s advice was sound and helpful. Deena has been in a downward spiral this whole season, and whether it’s because of her separation from long time boyfriend Chris or not being able to go crazy with Snooki, her attitude is starting to have a negative effect on everybody in the house.
Well hey, maybe all of those times I spoke about how the gang was growing up and Jersey Shore was becoming an opportunity to watch them all mature together, I didn’t know what I was talking about. Episodes like Control the Crazy make it easy to remember that these are basically very tall children that are allowed to drink copious amounts of that go-go juice that makes their parents act funny. The best example is obviously Mike and his failed understanding of what constitutes a trusting relationship. Somehow, this manchild thinks that he can rub his special bits against other women and his girlfriend will just nod in approval.
But enough bagging on Mike, since he’s got enough on his plate as it is. Here’s a few other minor happenings around the Shore House that should affect your life:
-Vinny meets a girl at the club that he believes could break his summer of celibacy. It’s all sweet and romantic until they get home and the girl refuses to give anything up to him, leaving Vinny salty and still celibate.
-Snooki steals a stuffed animal from a claw machine arcade game. That’s about it. They advertise it like she’ll be arrested again, but she most definitely isn’t. If a new stuffed animal for the soon-to-be mother isn’t newsworthy, then I don’t know what is.
-Paula wears butt pads! I knew you were all wondering, and tonight’s episode confirmed that those firm cheeks definitely got a helping hand. This of course embarrasses Mike, so he goes on to make fun of Paula in front of the gang, basically saying he likes it when she shuts her mouth and looks pretty. The heart of a romantic beats in that ripped chest of his.
-The phrase “sneaky dickens” should officially be entered into the English dictionary.
Even though most of the season thus far has focused on the group maturing in their own ways, Control the Crazy was a nice, relaxing look at how dumb everyone on Jersey Shore can be when they really put their hearts into it. There are only a handful of episodes left in the final season, so there’s still another month of waiting to see how everybody will turn out at the end of this point in their lives. Here’s to hoping they all end up better off than Mike.