A long-awaited and incredibly stupid action sequel dodges bullets on streaming

When Vin Diesel signs on for any movie, there’s a distinct possibility he’s already going in with sequels in the back of his mind, so the only real surprise when it was first revealed xXx: Return of Xander Cage was in the works, was that it took so long to happen.

Rob Cohen’s original is so early-2000s that it almost causes physical pain, but Diesel ducked out of the sequel, which turned out to be a shrewd move when Ice Cube’s State of the Union went down as a colossal box office flop. However, the tank top enthusiast just can’t seem too help himself when it comes to franchise fare, so he slapped on the fake tattoos and headed back into the action fifteen years after first playing the role.

From the very first scene, Return of Xander Cage sets out a stall as an incredibly stupid blockbuster. This is a film where the title hero skis through the rainforest so that people can watch a soccer game, his oversized fur coat gets a loving hero shot for no discernible reason, and a motorbike chase ends up taking place on and under the surface of the ocean.

On the plus side, director D.J. Caruso and his cast know they’re creating something that couldn’t possibly be taken seriously. The plot makes very little to no sense, it would be an insult to one-dimensional to describe the ensemble cast of characters as such, and it’s just an all-round exercise in excessive nonsense.

Like we said, though, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. xXx: Return of Xander Cage is prime ‘turn your brain off at the door’ late night fodder, which might explain why it’s become one of the most-watched titles on both iTunes and HBO this weekend, as per FlixPatrol.