A reclusively ridiculous horror goes to blood-curdling lengths to keep its secrets buried on streaming

If we’ve learned anything from horror movies, it’s that reclusive and extremely wealthy old people should never be trusted under any circumstances, something Bethany Joy Lenz’s Erica Shaw should have really paid attention to in So Cold the River.

Adapted from Michael Koryta’s novel of the same name, our main character is an acclaimed documentarian mysteriously hired by the daughter-in-law of an eccentric millionaire to create a film that profiles his life and times as he edges towards the end of the road due to a terminal illness.

Handed a hefty sum of cash, an antique water bottle with supposedly supernatural powers, and a couple of vague clues as to how the failing Campbell Bradford has exerted his influence and power over the small town he calls home spanning decades, there’s an inevitable slew of deaths, murders, and suicides littering the past, present, and potential future.

Ignoring the fact that taking an ancient and supposedly cursed relic from a complete stranger and then drinking water from a local spring heralded as having mystical powers of some description is a terrible idea even with the context of a lo-fi chiller, So Cold the River ended up leaving both critics and crowds feeling the shivers.

The muted response saw writer and director Paul Shoulberg’s unremarkable effort go largely unnoticed, until it started drinking from the cup of streaming success this week. Per FlixPatrol, the relentlessly unoriginal and entirely predictable tale of terror has succumbed to the darkness on ad-supported platform Freevee, becoming one of the most-watched titles on offer.