This eyeball-assaulting ‘Ahsoka’ copypasta is the reason we can’t have nice ‘Star Wars’ things

Disney Plus’ Ahsoka sees the titular Togrutan heroine finally grabbing the limelight in live-action, the culmination of 15 years of increasing significance to Star Wars lore. It’s not for nothing that Anakin Skywalker’s former Padawan is widely agreed to be the most popular character in the franchise to debut in animation — which is weird, because Boba Fett did too, but I guess we’re not supposed to remember The Star Wars Holiday Special exists.

Speaking of things we shouldn’t remember exist, the one downside of Ahsoka‘s advent on streaming is that it’s resurrecting the absolute worst thing to “star” Ahsoka Tano to date, or likely ever — an infamous copypasta that’s somehow even creepier than Emperor Palpatine’s antics in The Rise of Skywalker. If you are lucky enough to have no idea about the Ahsoka copypasta, then be warned, this is your last chance to return to your lives in blissful ignorance.

Yeah, you’re not going anywhere, are you? *Sighs* Alright, fine, on your own head be it…

The Ahsoka copypasta is not for the faint of heart

In short, the aforementioned Ahsoka copypasta takes the form of an extremely NSFW monologue from Obi-Wan Kenobi to Luke Skywalker, imagining the Jedi hermit reciting a retch-inducing recollection of Luke’s father’s apprentice. Suffice it to say, if Alec Guinness really had said this in A New Hope it would’ve blown his disinclination to tell Luke that Leia’s his sister out of the water. You really never can unsee this once you’ve read it, but if you really must, you can read the online abomination here, via this 2020 Reddit post.

As with all copypastas, it’s been shared and reshared so much that it’s hard to nail down exactly where it originates. However, some internet carbon dating confirms it existed at least as far back as 2015, around the time that Star Wars Rebels was just beginning. A message board thread on TheForce.net bemoaning the copypasta indicates it’s been haunting the fandom for a while longer, though, among other unsavory Ahsoka obsessions. As one commenter aptly put it, “OMG there’s a subreddit dedicated to Ahsoka’s armpits? Maybe we should stop trying to curtail global warming and accelerate it instead.”