‘Madame Web’ shooting past a childhood classic on streaming proves that cinema is dying a slow and painful death

To those of you who had the foresight to observe (not watch) the much-derided Madame Web on streaming, know that the rest of us gaze upon you with unspeakable envy, as we had to sit in the presence of this decrepit train wreck in all its full, immersive anti-glory on the big screen.

The fact that it wound up shipping in this condition is nothing short of an artistic crime of the highest degree, and seeing as Sony has since pushed it through to Netflix, it’s clear that this specific instance of shame hasn’t quite settled in for the creators of this ungodly Spider-Man continuity.

And make no mistake; the shame will continue. Not only will it continue on in those who end up watching it — and will subsequently suffer the shame of wasting just under two hours of their time in an utterly disastrous manner — but also in all of humanity, as we will now have to contend with the fact that, perhaps as a result of that aforementioned foresight, we allowed Madame Web to take over Shrek on the streaming charts.

Indeed, per FlixPatrol, Madame Web has clambered to the top of Netflix’s viewership rankings in the United States, beating a currently-third place Shrek — a cultural staple in the realm of cinema, animation, and, more irreverently, memes — in popularity.

How much further must we fall before Martin Scorsese finally rounds up every screen in the known world and holds them hostage until we learn to behave ourselves with our viewership habits? How many more Academy Award-winning animated bastions must be disrespected this way before we finally learn the errors of our ways?

If you still haven’t been dissuaded from piling onto this catastrophe, then just know that Madame Web is like an onion, but not because it has layers; no, Madame Web is like an onion because it stinks, and it’s no easy smell to wash out of your brain. You have been warned.