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‘He doesn’t have enough money because Mitch hates him:’ Sniveling worm Ted Cruz whines for funds as Republicans turn their backs on Texas

Al Franken on Ted Cruz: “He's the guy who microwaves fish in an office.”

Back in the crushing year of 2021, when Texas was crumbling under the weight of a devastating winter storm that left more than 4 million people without power, Senator Ted Cruz went to Mexico. No one would’ve known if not for a social media user who snapped photos of the politician traipsing through an airport. Suffice to say he’s hated by many. Now he’s acting shocked that other Republicans aren’t supporting him. What a weasel.

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Cruz appeared on the Mark Levin Show recently and did some of his best snivelling in a career full of it. He whined about how he was being “massively outspent” and how Chuck Schumer pinned him as his “number one target in the country.”

However, he saved his best lines for someone in his own party: Mitch McConnell. When asked if McConnell’s PAC helped him with any money he said, “not a penny.”

In 2018, he said he was locked in “the most expensive senate race” in history. He whined about being outspent “3-1” and how McConnell’s PAC had $400 million in its war chest. Has Cruz been cultivating and repairing relationships the past few years? Or has he been constantly promoting his podcast? The latter seems to be the case, and now he’s surprised no one wants to help him. Well, until yesterday, that is.

This is a man that’s so hated Rolling Stone wrote a piece back in 2016 called “A Compendium of People Who Hate Ted Cruz’s Guts.” Notables on that list include former President George W. Bush: “I just don’t like the guy,” comedian Andy Richter: “If I went in to buy a car & Ted Cruz was the salesman, I’d travel five towns over to buy that car from someone else,” and notably, former President Donald Trump: “He’s a nasty guy. Nobody likes him. Nobody in Congress likes him. Nobody likes him anywhere once they get to know him.”

Trust us. That’s a small sample size. Perhaps former Senator Al Franken has one of the better takes on the man, with gems like: “I probably like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz, and I hate Ted Cruz,” and “He’s kind of a toxic guy in an office, the guy who microwaves fish.”

Franken also has a take on Cruz’s most notable achievement while in office: “… shutting down the government.” Unfortunately, being hated doesn’t really matter. Politicians don’t need to be likable they need to form the right relationships with the right people. And while Trump previously bashed Cruz back in the day, he endorsed him fully on Oct. 14.

At this point, calling out hypocrisy is about as useful as a blind person playing darts on your team. It’s all about money, and power consolidation for your party. Now, according to Trump, Cruz helped “Deliver Historic Tax Cuts” and is “leading the way to Stop Inflation.”

He’s growing “the economy” and (despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary), will “ALWAYS put Texas, and America, FIRST. … HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!,” the former president said.

Cruz’s opponent, Democrat Colin Allred, is within one point of Cruz, so the hated politician needs all the help he can get to stay in office. With the most powerful person in the Republican party at his back, there’s a good chance he’ll do just that.


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Image of Jon Silman
Jon Silman
Jon Silman is a stand-up comic and hard-nosed newspaper reporter (wait, that was the old me). Now he mostly writes about Brie Larson and how the MCU is nose diving faster than that 'Black Adam' movie did. He has a Zelda tattoo (well, Link) and an insatiable love of the show 'Below Deck.'