‘Deep and nasty!’ Donald Trump becomes Sherlock Holmes to catch the culprit who scratched his patio

Stop the presses! The apparently alive-after-all Donald Trump spotted a problem, figured out a solution, and executed a plan successfully! Unfortunately for the nation, it’s not reducing inflation, boosting the economy, or stopping a war. It’s… figuring out who scratched his new patio.

Trump took to Truth Social to boast about his Holmesian deductive skills to the world. The saga begins with his controversial paving over of Jacqueline Kennedy’s Rose Garden, tearing out the lawn and flowers to create a large, dull, flat paved area. As he said:

“Surfaces are very important to me as a Builder. As everyone knows, I built many GREAT Buildings, and other things, over the years.”

His destruction of Kennedy’s Rose Garden now complete, he believes his version is “far more beautiful than anyone ever had in mind when it was conceived of, decades ago.” Reports of a loud spinning sound coming from Jacqueline Kennedy’s grave in Arlington Cemetery are unconfirmed.

But danger was looming for Trump’s new patio! “Three days ago, while admiring the stonework, I happened to notice a huge gash in the limestone that extended more than 25 yards long. It was deep and nasty! I started yelling, “Who did this, and I want to find out now!” — And I didn’t say this in a nice manner.”

Sherlock Trump and the Mystery of the Scratched Patio

And so the President of the United States chose to devote his time to uncovering the miscreant who left this scratch in the stone. And, after reviewing security footage, he finally identified his nemesis: a guy with a wonky steel cart!

“It was a subcontractor that was installing heavy landscaping on a steel cart that was broken and tilting badly, with it rubbing hard against the soft, beautiful stone. I love and respect great workers and contractors, but something like this should never happen. Now, I’ll replace the stone, charge the contractor, and never let that contractor work at the White House again — But, how great is the video equipment? We caught them, cold. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

You might point out that using “soft, beautiful” limestone on a part of the White House gardens that’s to be frequently used for official events isn’t a good idea. After all, if a steel cart can damage it so seriously so quickly, how will it look after a decade of having metal chairs and tables dragged across it? But hey, I’m not an expert “Builder” like Trump, so what do I know?

All that said, this is Trump in his element, clearly at his happiest. We can’t help but think his ‘talents’ would be better used as the president of a Florida neighborhood housing association rather than in charge of a global superpower.