JD Vance outdoes himself in the creepy department by inventing ancient brothel theories about dead children

JD Vance is ready to run for president after Trump, because he’s managed to all but master the one technique that allowed his boss to rise from a reality TV star to the office of the most powerful man on the planet.

We’re, of course, referring to the art of saying things that are demonstrably false—the kind of bonkers statements that dominate news cycles for days—all while keeping a straight face and projecting a level of confidence that makes anyone still hanging to a shred of their sanity question whether they’re the one who’s lost their cognitive faculties.

Appearing at Friday’s March for Life rally in Washington, D.C., Vance treated the anti-abortion crowd to a deeply unsettling history lesson about ancient brothels and baby skeletons, though with the kind of archeological accuracy that makes you wonder if his primary source was an AI-generated YouTube short complete with a Subway Surfers gameplay loop running at the bottom to hold his dead attention span.

“I read an article some time ago about classic archaeology, of all things,” Vance began, which is already a red flag if you’ve ever heard someone start a sentence with “I read somewhere that…” in the past 10 years. From a MAGA devotee, it’s practically a warning siren to run as far away as you can, as fast as you can, and plug your ears with whatever’s handy. 

But I’m getting ahead of myself. What followed this was a bizarre claim that in the pagan world, you could identify ancient brothels by the telltale piles of infant skeletons lying around nearly. And not just any baby skeletons—predominantly male ones, because according to Vance’s fever-dream version of ancient history, girls would be “of use to the future adults who were running those brothels.”

Vance didn’t stop there, naturally. He pivoted from his brothel archaeology deep-dive to invoke Mayan child sacrifice, because if you’re already committed to making everyone uncomfortable, why not go for the full civilization vs. barbarism bingo card?

The vice president framed the entire abortion debate as a question of choosing between God and paganism, which is certainly one way to simplify a complex issue that involves, you know, actual living women making decisions that affect their lives and bodies and all that Fourteenth Amendment spiel.

Before we continue roasting Vance for his deeply questionable rhetorical choices, let’s address the archaeological elephant in the room. Is there any actual evidence to back up the vice president’s “I read an article” vagaries?

Well, the answer is a bit complicated. The most famous case in the real world that resembles Vance’s claim comes from a 1988 excavation in Ashkelon, Israel, where archaeologists discovered 100 infant skeletons in a sewer beneath a Roman-era bathhouse.

As reported by Archaeology Magazine, per what historian John M. Riddle raised, “The literary evidence is virtually united in claiming that prostitutes knew what to do to prevent full-term pregnancies. Why would prostitutes at Ashkelon be different?”

And even more damning is the fact that this is the only major archaeological site where infant remains have been linked to a possible brothel. The well-preserved brothels of Pompeii? No infant skulls there. The suspected brothel sites in Athens? Nothing. And let’s not forget, while the vice president’s inadvertent misogyny might cloud his judgment in his late-night binge-reading sessions, historical evidence, like this detailed breakdown by Mark Bernstein, notes that “male prostitutes were plentiful in brothels, they were quite popular.”

So, there you have it, folks. The quicker we move past this latest installment of Things JD Vance Said Out Loud, the sooner we can brace ourselves for whatever unhinged thing will come out of the MAGA sphere next.