Jeremy Renner details his heroic fight after his life-changing accident

This article contains sensitive details of Jeremy Renner’s accident; please take care while reading.

Jeremy Renner‘s life changed on a January afternoon when a 14,000 pound Sno-Cat ran over him as he attempted to ensure his nephew’s safety as they set off to tow a Ford Raptor out of a snow bank. The weather in Nevada was what you’d expect in the middle of winter — frozen, cold, and unforgiving, and the circumstances he found himself in were much the same.

In his first sit-down interview since the life-altering accident, Renner opened up to Diane Sawyer about how the split-second decision changed his life and how a single emotion helped him teeter between life and death long enough to find the spirit he needed to fight through a level of pain that seems unfathomable.

Renner told Sawyer that his initial thoughts immediately went to what the rest of his life would look like, and if he’d have any quality of time remaining — even sharing that he made it clear that if machines or tubes would be all that kept him here, he’d instead wish for his family to let him go.

“I’m thinkin’ like, ‘What’s my body look like? Am I just gonna be like a spine in a brain like a science experiment? Is that my existence now?’ I sorta felt like, ‘What am I — what’s my existence gonna be like?'”

Call it luck or determination, bravery or an all-encompassing strength, Renner fought through so much pain that it’s almost hard to describe. With more than 30 broken bones, most of which fans were shown on renderings of Renner’s x-rays and scans at the hospital, he was clinging to life and fighting like hell to survive, and not just to make it — but to embrace every aspect of his life once again.

“That’s when I screamed, by the way, when I went under the thing — ‘Not today, motherfu—!’ is what I screamed. Sorry for the language.”

Be it a battle cry or a moment to remember that he had something important to live for; those words were the driving motivator for moving forward and staying alive. The father wasn’t ready to die yet; there was too much left to do. Renner also said that he blames himself for the accident, saying that he looks back at the situation with the knowledge that he should have taken the situation more seriously.

“I just happened to be the dummy standing on the dang track a little bit, seeing if my nephew was there. You shouldn’t be outside the vehicle when you’re operating it, you know what I mean? It’s like driving a car with one foot out of the car, but it is what it was. And it’s my mistake, and I paid for it.”

While he knows the decision not to pull that safety brake was something that changed his life, he’d do it again if it meant saving the life of his nephew, Alex. A selfless choice then and now, he realized what was important and what still is the most important to him — love.

Rich Kovach, a neighbor who lived right across from the site of the accident, was the first person aside from Alex to try to render aid to Renner. Kovach’s partner, Barb Fletcher, also came to help — and Kovach describes the scene as something unforgettable. When he first looked at Renner, Kovach thought he saw his skull.

“It was blood, the amount of blood, and then he was — he was just in such pain, and the sounds that were coming out of him — and there was so much blood in the snow. And then when I looked at his head it appeared to me to be cracked wide open. And I could see white, I don’t know if that was his skull, if it — maybe it was just my imagination but that’s what I thought I saw.”

Fletcher says that there was a moment when she felt Renner’s life slip away from him, and talking about it still chokes her up to this day.

“At one point, he just got a clammy feel to him and he turned this gray-green color. I really feel he did pass away for a couple seconds. I really do.”

Of course, the interview also held beautiful moments, like seeing Renner walk again after weeks of healing and therapy and the fight and determination evident in everything from his eyes to how he speaks about life. Renner truly feels that every moment is a gift, and he won’t squander any of it.

“This is what I talk to my family about from all their perspectives, which are horrifying, that I put upon them, what we just endured. That’s real love. It’s suffering, but that feeds the seeds of what love is.”

While medical miracles and Renner’s drive for life certainly helped give him another shot at life, real love is what saved him, and it’s what he can credit the rest of his days to.