We now turn our attention to Donald Trump, the way that contemporary political discourse has turned into the Burn Book from Mean Girls, and how sad it is when a man pushing 80 still hasn’t figured out his undertone.
In an era defined by alternative facts, selective journalistic coverage, and civil unrest built on rumor, conjecture, and biased gut intuition, we must cling to what’s plainly real like the buoyant wreckage of a sinking ship. If nothing else, we are morally required to hold onto hard, objective actualities and call them what they are. Truth may be in short supply, but reality remains as abundant as it is precious, fragile, and easily lost in the noise.
And so it falls on us to look at former president and current potential bankruptcy candidate Donald John Trump through the cold, empirical lens of honesty and agree, as one, that his makeup looks like he reenacted that scene from Silence of the Lambs where Hannibal wears another guy’s face, only instead of another guy’s face he’s wearing the skin of a perfectly basted Butterball turkey.
Donald Trump’s makeup game continues to slip
If you’re not familiar with the internet, it’s basically a neverending digital Friars Club roast, only with ratcheted-up racism and a lot more naked people. As such, the 45th president’s bold new look did not go unnoticed.
In this and all things, Patton Oswalt staked his claim to some of the most painful rhetoric, heartlessly ruining hazelnut spread for around half of the country.
Others pointed out that the former leader of the free world had a lot in common aesthetically with the little guy from the fifth or sixth best Mel Brooks movie, putting a whole new spin on the MAGA camp’s love of merchandising. Look forward to Donald Trump the Flamethrower. The NRA is going to love it.
Still others, while employing Weekly World News-worthy photoshop images, managed to find a grain of truth in the fact that our former president looked like he’d been bobbing for apples in a fast food restaurant’s gravy trough.
And yes, it’s unkind to drag a 77-year-old man who rode into office on a message of old-timey, tough-as-nails masculinity for constantly wearing makeup, and to double down on that ridicule over the fact that he’s been doing it for years and still comes out looking like a gingerbread man that was baked with hate instead of love. That’s neither here nor there.
What’s important is: remember that anonymous letter that someone in the Trump camp sent to the media seven years ago saying that there were people on the inside keeping him in check? What if that was written by his makeup guy?
What’s important is: what if Trump was right all along, and this was a witch hunt, and his face looks like that because people keep trying to burn him at the stake?
What’s important is: the man that America is toying with handing the nuclear codes to for a second time looks like he used hardwood floor scratch concealer as actual concealer.
Okay, we’re done now ⏤ and hopefully Donald will be soon, too.