There’s a new “Tui Taumeasina” — High Chief — in the Samoan village of Moata’a, and for some reason it’s a crusty old white Brit. King Charles, not content with being Monarch of the United Kingdom, King of Canada, Defender of the Faith, and Head of the Commonwealth (among many others) can now extend his rule over the village where, according to legend, the coconut originated.
And his path to power? A dose of the psychoactive plant kava. The brew is made from the roots of the narcotic plant, which must be ground in warm water and strained. Charles’ was prepared in the traditional manner by the chief’s daughter and served in a polished half-coconut. As is the custom, a Samoan man screamed as the drink was poured and presented to the King in a ritual known as “ava faatupu.”
Charles lifted the glass, pronounced “God bless this ava!”, downed it, and the phrase “overseas royal trip” suddenly took on a double meaning. So, what kind of experience could Charles have expected to have on kava?
Venerable web 1.0 site Erowid has trip reports going back years, and those who’ve taken kava report: “a feeling both of physical euphoria but also of inability to focus and control my motions,” “I felt almost glued to the bed, and it seemed that the sensation from everything I touched trailed the actual touching by at least a full 1/2 second,” and “I felt like a zombie.”
In 2022 Australia’s former deputy prime minister Michael McCormack took part in a similar kava ceremony, turning him into a cross-eyed puking mess that had to be rushed to the hospital.
But it seems Charles is made of sterner stuff, and rode out the effects of kava like a pro, going to have an animated conversation with local chief Lenatai Victor Tamapua about the effects of climate change on mangrove areas and how that’ll impact the lives of mud crabs and fishes.
The ceremony ended with applause for Charles and Queen Camilla, after which the kava-addled monarch met some students at the University of Samoa and was then escorted back to his accommodation, possibly for a bit of a lie-down. Rumors that the relaxing beats of Air’s 1998 chillout classic Moon Safari were heard drifting from his window are, sadly, completely unfounded.
Charles becoming a “high chief,” in every sense of the word, is just the latest eyebrow-raising stop on his current international tour. The king and queen are currently in Samoa for three days, following a six-day visit to Australia, which saw Charles run out of an event after just 10 minutes, lose his temper in the middle of a speech, and get frightened by an alpaca.
At this point, it’s probably worthwhile pointing out that it’s a criminal offense to sell, supply or import kava to the United Kingdom, so Charles enjoying the drug overseas may raise some eyebrows in royal circles. Honestly, given the intense drama that seems to surround these people, perhaps giving them regular doses of psychoactive substances might calm them down a bit.