Sorry, Aquaman and Namor: King Triton is my sea king daddy and always will be

I’m just going to say it: King Triton would be able to wipe the ocean floor with Namor and Aquaman any day of the week. I get that this is a potentially hot take, but if you examine the playing field logically, you’ll realize that the truth has been there all along.

Let’s get right to it, shall we? King Triton doesn’t have legs, he’s never lost his kingdom, and his trident is all-powerful. Oh, and Javier Bardem is a much better actor than those other two jabronis ⏤ I said what I said. Despite being supposed rulers of their kingdoms, both Aquaman and Namor have feet, and to a human, feet are necessary. When swimming, however, having legs in the water is like having a limp on land; you can work around it, but it’s still an impediment when you’re going toe-to-toe with a merman.

King Triton is a master swimmer and has lived his entire existence underwater. Namor and Aquaman, on the other hand, spend a lot of time on land. Namor even has wings on his feet, which, yeah, helps with flying, but doesn’t do much in an ocean battle. King Triton can swim concentric circles around both of them, a clear advantage in an underwater brawl. He’s not human, and with the sea as his only domain, it would be an oceanic blood bath.

Now let’s talk about physique. King Triton is thicker than a mattress ⏤ just look at that chest! Does he use some kind of sea steroids? It doesn’t matter, he’s bigger than both of the other sea-losers combined (do you even lift, bros?). And don’t even get me started on oceanic territory. King Triton rules the underwater kingdom called Atlantica, and you know what? He’s never lost it. Every time an attack has come his way, it’s been rebuffed, which means that he’s not only a powerful king, but also a master technician in underwater warfare.

What about Aquadouche ⏤ oops, Aquaman? How many times has he lost control of Atlantis? How many times has he been overthrown because no one respects him? What’s his big power? Talking to fish? Boring! No wonder every small-time DC upriser can overthrow him. Namor loses his marbles all the time, too. In Fantastic Four #4, the team finds Namor living on the streets, destitute and homeless. Has King Triton ever been destitute and homeless? Please! While Namor was walking around looking for table scraps, you know what King Triton was doing? Ruling his kingdom uninterrupted, thank you very much. Triton has never had to regain his powers, has never been usurped, and was never in a speedo made of fish scales, aka even his fashion sensibility is on fleek.

If we’re really getting down to brass tackles, King Triton has an all-powerful trident that is more powerful than lightning itself. He can literally turn people from merpeople into humans. Can Aquaman do that? (If he doesn’t know, at least he has the ability to ask some of the local flounder.) Namor can fly, and that’s cool, but he doesn’t have transformative magic outside of the ability to convert H2O into oxygen. Anyone else yawning, or just me?

Triton has all the abilities of both superheroes: super strength, superhuman durability, super speed, and aquakinesis, the ability to control water in incredible ways. Oh, he can also influence the weather and withstand extreme temperatures. This is in clear contention with Aquaman, whose trident was stolen by Siren when she tricked him and took over his kingdom. Has that ever happened to King Triton? Honey. Namor doesn’t even have a trident, by the way. He does have a nose ring, though, and his powers include talking to fish (where have we seen that before?) and being able to live a long time. Sometimes he even puts on a suit. Cool!

Finally, we have the actors playing the characters. In Disney’s new live-action Little Mermaid, King Triton is played by Javier Bardem, the Oscar-winning actor behind such films as No Country For Old Men, Skyfall, and Dune. Namor is played by relative newcomer Tenoch Huerta and Aquaman is portrayed by large man Jason Momoa of Slumberland fame. I’m not going to knock any of these men’s acting abilities, but again, not all of them are bathed in Oscar gold. Bardem is a boxer and a martial artist, and while one could argue that he’d probably get beat up by the two younger actors, he would at least put up a fight. With that trident in hand, though, he’d be unstoppable.

For those who have been keeping score, the winner is clear. Long live King Triton, the true ruler of the seas and the best sea daddy of them all. All that’s left for him to do is pray that Pedro Pascal doesn’t get cast as Poseidon anytime soon.