Princess Anne has a hard-won reputation as the “no fuss” Royal that gets things done. With Charles and Kate undergoing cancer treatment, she’s stepped up to ensure the Royal ship maintains speed, taking on duties that the rest of her family can’t do.
But just because she’s got her head more firmly screwed on than her wayward relations doesn’t mean Anne’s life has been free of controversy. In fact, uniquely amongst the Royals, she’s the only member to have a bona fide criminal conviction.
So, strap yourself into the ‘Worst Royals‘ hot seat Anne, as we go through the most morally questionable and controversial moments across your 73 years.
1. In weird love quadrangle with her brother
Unpicking which Royal was sleeping with who in the 1960s and 70s is very tricky, but at one point there was a strange love quadrangle between Charles, Camilla, Anne, and Andrew Parker Bowles. Charles and Camilla were an item, as were Anne and Andrew, though soon Camilla and Andrew would hook up.
It’s unclear whether there was any overlap, though Anne apparently couldn’t have considered Andrew a serious romantic prospect because he was Catholic and couldn’t marry into the Royal family. Whatever the case, there was no bad blood and all four remain friends to this day.
It’s perhaps a bit weird for both a sister and brother to be romantically entangled with the same couple, but as far as we can see nobody got hurt.
Wrongdoing rating: 1/10
2. Had an affair with her bodyguard
1979 Detective Sergeant Peter Cross was assigned to Royal Protection detail and became Princess Anne’s bodyguard, working closely alongside her every day. A little too closely, as it turned out.
Though both were married at the time Anne and Peter quickly developed the hots for one another and began a secret relationship. As you’d expect, getting freaky with your security is frowned upon both by the Royal family and Scotland Yard.
Former Royal reporter James Whittaker said Scotland Yard “freaked out” when they realized what was happening and immediately removed him from duty. Undaunted, the two kept at it, with the relationship only ending when The Sun exposed the story. I feel bad for Peter Cross’ wife being dragged into this. Not cool, Anne.
Wrongdoing rating: 3/10
3. Mean to her fans
Anne has a reputation for no-nonsense responses to questions, but occasionally this can tip over into being outright nasty. This fate befell poor Iris Halfpenny, who waited patiently outside a church on Christmas Day to hand her some flowers.
Iris smiled and handed them to the Princess Royal, proudly saying she’d arranged them herself. Anne took one glance and coldly informed Iris that this was a “ridiculous thing to do” and stalked away. As revealed by Mary Relph in the documentary The Real Princess Anne, Iris was shattered by Anne’s mean response:
That was a very sore point with Iris. She didn’t come for many weeks after that. I think she was quite a bit upset over it, you know, but she didn’t come.”
Is it so hard to accept some flowers, smile, and say “thank you”? We don’t think so and we’re sure this wasn’t an isolated incident.
Wrongdoing rating: 4/10
4. Long history of dangerous driving
Being a member of the Royal family means you can get away with a lot of stuff, but it seems motoring offenses aren’t one of them. Anne has been pulled up by the cops for speeding on multiple occasions throughout her life.
In the 1970s she was caught speeding down the M1 motorway. Another incident occurred in 1990, with Anne receiving a month’s ban from driving and a £100 fine. The punishment clearly didn’t have an effect, as in 2000 she was caught doing it once again and fined £400.
We don’t know how fast she was going or how dangerously she was driving, but being late for a fancy party is no excuse for risking peoples’ lives by driving dangerously.
Wrongdoing rating: 5/10
5. Obsessed with silly rules
The rules of etiquette surrounding the Royal family are as ridiculous as they are complicated. Regular folks like you and I are expected to grovel at their feet like feudal serfs, but even those on the inside must adhere to a careful system of bows, curtseys, rigid forms of address and byzantine social rules.
Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle have fallen foul of these rules, but Princess Anne is incredibly strict about them. As an “insider” told The Daily Express:
“She can turn from laughing and joking one minute to being an absolute stickler for the rules the next. She’s extremely dutiful and would hate to be regarded as being on the wrong side of protocol.”
Doesn’t sound like much fun to be around. Then again, what even is a monarchy without dumb rules with no basis in reality? Who knows, maybe if you get rid of the mandatory bum-licking the magic of the Royals goes with it?
Wrongdoing rating: 3/10
6. Had a “hot mic” moment
Anne doesn’t really tolerate fools, but her obsession with protocol probably means her true opinions on people remain secret. But that was blown right through after she had an embarrassing hot mic moment during a meeting of the Olympic Committee.
One of her fellow members had just finished speaking but Anne had forgotten to mute her mic and everyone heard her say “I think this person is probably the most stupid person in world sport”. Her words “echoed about the room” and Anne froze. Fortunately for her everyone just had to pretend nothing had happened, though we imagine she was mortified.
On the grand scale of things, this is no big deal morally, but it’s certainly embarrassing.
Wrongdoing rating: 2/10
7. Criminal conviction after her dog attacked children
Somewhat ironically given her straight-laced reputation, Anne is the first and (so far) only member of the Royal family to have a legit criminal conviction to her name. In 2002 Anne was walking her English bull terrier Dotty in Windsor Great Park. They encountered two boys aged 12 and 7 enjoying the park and Dotty, who was not on a leash, viciously attacked them.
This was, by all accounts, a fairly serious incident. One child received bites on his collarbone and left leg and the other suffered scratch marks across their body. The boys were rushed to hospital in a “traumatized state”. Anne pled guilty and, in court, the judge said:
I have to add that these children did suffer considerably from this experience… it was a very, very unfortunate episode.”
Anne was fined £1148.00, but Dotty escaped being put down. The boys’ families didn’t feel that justice was done, saying the punishment was “neither moral nor just” and that:
“We do not think justice has been done. The dog is still free and is a danger to society.”
As a sad postscript, another of Anne’s bull terriers went berserk and ripped apart one of the Queen’s corgis during Christmas 2003. Maybe keep your killer dogs on a leash, Anne.
Wrongdoing rating: 7/10
8. Is a “sourpuss”
On top of all the above Anne just has a reputation for being a bit grumpy and cold. This famously put her at odds with the more outwardly emotional and expressive Diana. The media contrasted Diana’s willingness to hug people in hospitals with Anne’s obvious reticence, with her at one point dismissing calls to hug an injured child as a publicity stunt.
Maybe she has a point. But this arguably spilled over into meanness when she was asked about the birth of Prince William and replied, in a flat tone, “I didn’t know [Diana] had one. Oh, good.” She was later asked for her thoughts and said there’s “too much fuss” about new babies. This got her dubbed a “sourpuss”.
Then again, Anne appears to be more about deeds than words and spends a lot of time engaged in charitable works. So while she doesn’t sound much fun to hang out with, at least she’s using her time productively.
Wrongdoing rating: 2/10
Conclusion
All this gives Princess Anne a rating of 27/30 on the Worst Royals charts. This puts her easily in the top half of the table in our ongoing series, which currently stands at: Kate Middleton on 15/80, Meghan, on 20/80, Anne on 27/30, Harry on 30/80, Camilla on 31/80, William on 33/80, and Charles still way out in front as the worst Royal on 45/80.
So, all in all not that bad, especially when compared with her far more disreputably Kingly brother. But we suspect that our next and final entry in this series will blow the rest of his family out of the water, as we park Prince “Jeffrey Epstein’s BFF” Andrew’s flabby arse in the hot seat.
Published: May 7, 2024 10:51 am