The Royal Family is keen to stress that they’re a perfectly normal family that just so happens to spend their lives in opulent palaces surrounded by servants catering to their every whim. Wow, King Charles did a funny dance, they’re just like you and I! Well, when they’re not shrieking in horror at the sight of clingfilm, anyway.
But behind closed doors? Every so often we get a glimpse into the world the Windsors would rather we didn’t know about, and there’s nothing better to prove that than the bizarre blood ritual Prince George was reportedly recently subjected to.
The young prince turned 11 over the summer, so as far as William and Kate are concerned, it’s high time for him to begin refining his killing skills. As per Royal expert Duncan Larcombe (via Marie Claire), George and his father will have departed their luxurious Balmoral Castle retreat armed to the teeth and with a stag’s murder on their mind. Once spotted, they’d carefully and regally blast its unsuspecting brains across the grass.
After retrieving its corpse, William will have sat his son down, dipped his fingers in the steaming gore, and lovingly smeared blood across the future King’s face. Larcombe says this centuries-old ritual is experienced by every major member of the Royal family. William has apparently daubed Kate’s face with blood, Charles did it to William, and presumably Philip did it to Charles, and so on into the annals of history.
For some reason, Harry’s blooding was performed by his nanny, Tiggy Legge-Bourke. After being made to execute a rabbit, Legge-Bourke “smeared” a “dollop” of the blood “tenderly across his forehand, down his cheeks and nose.”
For some reason, Harry was also chosen to have a much more extreme version of the ritual performed upon him. As recounted in Spare, his entire head was shoved “inside the carcass.” The young Harry freaked out and tried to escape, but was only shoved in more deeply:
“Well, I thought, so this is death. The ultimate blooding. Not what I’d imagined. I went limp. Bye, all. After a minute I couldn’t smell anything, because I couldn’t breathe. My nose and mouth were full of blood, guts, and a deep, upsetting warmth.”
… riiiight. Uh. Yeah. A Perfectly. Normal. Family.
The simple fact that the Royal family refuses to let any photographs of this dark ritual be made public indicates they know it’s disgusting and perverse, a gore-soaked initiation that would tank public opinion if images of it ever made it to the front pages. That’s probably why Buckingham Palace refuses to confirm or deny that, like every Royal before him, George has been subjected to it. Royal expert Larcombe attempted to get clarification but said: “The Palace has refused to comment.”
If Ari Aster is short on material for his next movie, he should spend some time hanging out in the Scottish Highlands with a long lens. If he’s lucky, he’ll capture some footage that’d make Midsommar look like Shrek. So remember, next time you see William and Kate lovingly parading around the bonny young Prince, picture them shoving him face-first into a dead deer for an accurate vision of their parenting skills.
