It’s a Christmas paradox! Temperatures drop, yet somehow Mariah Carey thaws as soon as the clock strikes midnight on Oct. 31st, bookending spooky season and inaugurating what was formerly known as Christmas but now is affectionately and ambiguously referred to as the “holiday season.” Despite the rebrand, November/December remain a time for impulsive capitalism, Klarna, coal, and baked goods baked by people who probably shouldn’t be baking. The below are holidays for people who feel they’re above the mainstream fare and want some good old-fashioned non-denominational holidays celebrated by 100 people or less!
Lopburi Monkey Buffet
At first glance, it sounds like a day where people consume monkeys en masse. Thankfully, it’s nearly (but not quite) the opposite. At the ancient Khmer ruins in Lopburi, Thailand, street vendors turn out in droves to leave mountains of food out for hoards of hungry long-tailed macaques passing through. It’s a wonderful sight and something tourists come to witness the spectacle of every year on the last Sunday in November (coming up, so book that flight!).
World Compliment Day
Those who hate fishing for compliments don’t have to on March 1st, World Compliment Day. The tradition is particularly well-practiced by those who hope to have a compliment returned in kind, though it doesn’t always turn out that way.
National Zipper Day
Not a government sanctioned holiday, but imagine taking off work for it! For those who’ve given a school presentation and realized they forgot to “XYZ” (examine your zipper) prior. In the spirit of raising awareness of (the existence of?) zippers, April 29th is the day in which we take a moment to reflect on what a world might be like without them. One can only imagine it’d be a lot of buttons (see below).
Count Your Buttons Day
In the spirit of continuity, buttons need their day in the sun. For those who can count really high and own a ton of buttons, and equally so for those who hate pulling their shirt over their head. Finally, a holiday for the sane.
International ‘Talk Like A Pirate’ Day
In the pantheon of thematic holidays, few elicit an “ahoy matey” from deep within one’s soul quite so well as International Talk Like A Pirate Day. September 19th, 2023, seems like a ways away from now, but patient pirates and Jack Sparrow-wannabes will surely find themselves in great company on perhaps the only day (thankfully) that talking like a pirate is not only condoned, but openly encouraged. There’s even a holiday song for it!
Pretend to Be a Time Traveler Day
For the scientifically delusional. Delorian enthusiasts and archaeologists with aspirations in antiquity know that December 8th is their moment to shine. No one has effectively accomplished time travel, but when they do, hopefully it’ll fall on its designated holiday.
A’phabet Day or No “L” Day
For those who’d like a real challenge this holiday season, approximately 13 families celebrate this terribly niche holiday that seeks to do away with the letter “L.” Best to avoid words like “parallel,” lest you mention “parae,” which is a type of fish. “Label” and “labellers” become “abe” and “abeers,” the former an unlucky president with a penchant for picking the most compromising theater seats and the latter a Pakistani shoe store, apparently! No videos currently exist of this forlorn holiday (probably for the best).
Middle Child Day
For those who blame their problems on the sequence in which they were born. Middle children seem to share this unspoken language, trauma bonding over their older siblings who were over-parented and the younger ones who were under-parented. Middle children occupy some strange middle ground where they feel slighted for some odd reason.
National Ex-Spouse Day
Finally, an excuse to text your ex. Ex-Spouse Day ups the ante of Valentine’s Day by prompting contact with a person from whom one has, for one reason or another, gotten a divorce or filed recently for one. This sadly applies to nearly half of married couples but who’s meant for one person for the rest of their lives, anyway?
National Hairball Awareness Day
For those of you who weren’t aware.