I wanted to discuss the Nintendo 64DD first because LOL bras. This was an add-on available in the late 90s to make the already-impressive console more impressive, but despite its apparent power and amusingly mammary moniker, it only ever supported (ahahahaha) nine games and the only person I ever met who knew about its existence was named Graham (and that is absolutely true), and I think he might have spelled it Graeme.
I’ve already facetiously addressed the industry’s fondness for sticking fun game consoles inside crappy boring grey computers, but real talkin’ bro, have you ever wished your favorite machine could be switched from Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo: Hyper Fighting (real game) to beamed-from-space television at the flick of a button? No worries (except for the fact that even on modern consoles that’s not as simple as you’d think in 20-bleedin’-13), you just need to get yourself a Nintendo Satellaview: the SNES that’s also a Satellite recievery player doodad yoke. The tech of this machine baffles me and I can do no more research on it than I’ve already exemplified. Just know that despite persistent rumors, it did NOT allow you to control live television with an SNES pad.
I guess on a list of failed consoles Nintendo’s Gamecube could arguably secure a spot. Hold off, fanboys: I loved that little machine (I’ve got mine within sight even as I type), but the little purple box that could, well, couldn’t. It never really took off like the Big Two’s consoles and as far as core gamers are concerned Nintendo’s been at a disadvantage ever since. What could have made it a more worthy venture? A DVD player? Being silver? Having a single letter of the alphabet for a name? Witness ye now, traveler, the Panasonic Q, the least sexily titled machine on this or any list.
Basically, it’s a Japan-only hybrid of a DVD player and a Nintendo Gamecube. Sure, it looks nice (reeeeeally nice), but considering that both components could be bought separately for less than it cost at retail, it only sold to big silly idiots with tar in their skulls. Despite that groovy Gamecube logo with the little angular ‘Q’ worked into it, it was gorgeous but totally moronic and indefensibly invalid. Like Kim Kardashian! HIYOOOOOOO.