God bless video games for being so silly. I recently ran down the ten dumbest character names in movie history but realized that when it comes to bizarre, unlikely, and just plain confusing names, the silver screen can’t hold a candle to gaming.
So, without further ado let’s jump in and marvel at the decision-making process that led to some of these ludicrous names being approved:
Die Hardman – Death Stranding
Honestly, this list could have been entirely filled out by Hideo Kojima characters. The iconic director has been tossing out ridiculous names since the ’80s, with the original Metal Gear boasting “Coward Duck” amongst its bosses. But for now, let’s look at his most recent release Death Stranding, which boasts an all-timer with Die Hardman.
Very minor spoilers follow, but it’s revealed that he picked up this unlikely moniker during his time in the military after surviving impossible odds. Fair enough, but later in the game it’s revealed that his real name is actually… *drumroll* John McClane. Oh Kojima, never change.
Sodom – Street Fighter series
Pretty much every person who’s played a Street Fighter game with Sodom in it has raised an eyebrow at his name. Sodom’s whole thing is that he’s an American obsessed with Japanese culture and constantly makes cultural and linguistic mistakes. In the Japanese versions of the game, the character’s comedy is based on the misuse of kanji and his mangling of Japanese phrases.
Naturally, this doesn’t translate to English, leaving us with a fighter sporting arguably the worst name in fighting game history. And, if you’re wondering why he’s called Sodom, it’s because the developers were big fans of German thrash metal band Sodom and wanted to pay tribute. When Capcom ported Alpha 2 to the SNES, Nintendo insisted he be renamed ‘Katana’. We get why.
Geese Howard – Fatal Fury series
Nobody wants to fight an angry goose, though it remains a mystery why SNK chose to name the fearsome final boss of Fatal Fury after furious waterfowl. Nothing about Geese Howard is connected to geese: he’s a crime boss, expert martial artist, and renowned as one of the cheesiest bosses in fighting game history.
There’s a theory that “Geese” is a bizarre mistranslation of “Keith”, though “Keith Howard” doesn’t exactly sound intimidating. SNK previously had a boss named “Geese” in its 1990 game The Super Spy, so perhaps it just liked how it sounded.
Ash Ketchum – Pokémon series
In Japan, the lead character of Pokémon is Satoshi, named after franchise creator Satoshi Tajiri. When it came time to bring Pokémon to Western audiences, The Pokémon Company decided to ditch the touching homage in favor of a truly wince-inducing play on words.
Ash Ketchum… Ketch Um. Catch ‘Em… “Catch ’em all”. Urgh. In a strange twist, Ash’s surname is so normalized amongst fans that many don’t realize the wordplay until they’re older. By the way, if you’re currently being a pedant and pointing out that Ash isn’t the lead character in Pokémon games but rather the anime, he is in the game Pokémon Puzzle League, so there.
Dingo Egret – Zone of the Enders: The 2nd Runner
The much-missed Zone of the Enders series is produced rather than directed by Hideo Kojima, though we’re betting he was somehow involved in the concoction of this bizarre name. You could argue that in the distant 22nd century, Dingo is a perfectly normal name, though as the supporting characters are the relatively sane-sounding Leo Stenbuck, Elena Weinburg, and Viola Gyune, we think it’s odd even for sci-fi future Mars.
There’s never been an explanation for why he’s named after Australia’s native canine and a long-legged wading bird. Perhaps the developer just opened a zoology book to two random pages and called it a day?
Deacon “Deek” St. John – Days Gone
Type “generic biker name” into an AI prompt and “Deacon St. John” may well pop out the other end. Days Gone is far from a bad game, but that overly clichéd name is truly wince-inducing. Perhaps it’d be more tolerable if the character himself was charismatic, but he’s humorless, perpetually grumpy, and never shuts up during gameplay.
Perhaps recognizing that “Deacon” as a name isn’t great, his friends refer to him as just “Deek”. Whether that’s an improvement or not is in the eye of the beholder.
Esty Dee – Atelier series
Poor, poor Esty Dee. She’s the Adventurer’s Guild receptionist in the Atelier games and spends the series growing sad about her fading youth and inability to find a husband. The reason for her being single? Well… maybe try saying her name out loud. Yeah.
In a cruel twist, Esty Dee’s name seems to be a localization joke introduced in the Western versions of the game. It seems there are some efforts to correct this, as in the manual for Atelier Arland DX, she’s called “Esty Airhart” (far more similar to her Japanese name Esty Erhard). But, sadly, within the games themselves, she’s Esty Dee and, unless someone gets her some antibiotics, she’s stuck with it.
Rosso the Crimson – Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII
This ill-conceived and poorly reviewed action shooter spinoff of the classic RPG Final Fantasy VII focuses on the gloomy mall goth Vincent Valentine as he battles the organization Deepground. All of its members have silly names, with Rosso the Crimson joined by fellow members like Azul the Cerulean and Nero the Sable.
If you’re a polyglot, you may have noticed something wrong already. These names effectively translate into ‘Red the Red’, ‘Blue the Blue’ and ‘Black the Black’. We picked Rosso the Crimson as the worst because it’s so obvious. C’mon Dirge of Cerberus writers, show us some creativity!
Max Payne – Max Payne series
Remedy Entertainment has never been remotely subtle about naming characters, see also Alan Wake (A. Wake.. geddit?). But Max Payne, its dumbest character name, has been around so long most gamers don’t blink an eye at the sheer ridiculousness of it. Max is both in and inflicts Payne, and his health pickups are painkillers.
That said, as objectively stupid a name as “Max Payne” is, it kinda fits in with the morose monologuing and surreal world he slo-mo dives through. So, while absolutely boneheaded, it’s the kind of dumb we can get behind.
Hot Coldman – Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
I’ll close things out with another stone-cold Kojima banger. Hot Coldman is arguably the single silliest name he has ever included in a game and we’d have loved to have seen the discarded options, which we suspect included hits like Loud Quietman, Sweet Sourman, Up Downman, Salt Pepperman, Cat Dogman, Democrat Republicanman, North Southman, Wet Dryman… We could go on…
…So we’re gonna! Mac Windowsman, Pepsi Cokeman, Tea Coffeeman, Lennon McCartneyman, Happy Sadman, Danger Safeman, Land Seaman, Clean Dirtyman, Woman Manman… Ah, never change, Hideo!