Trees: Evil Dead
And no, not because of The Happening. That movie was so abysmal I actually felt bad for M. Night. It’s like he got to the end of his script, forgot the point, and just made the killer the first thing he saw when he looked out his window. Nope, I’m way more terrified of the trees Sam Raimi created in Evil Dead. You know, that iconic scene which gave our badass botany the nickname of The Angry Molesting Tree (as it’s since been dubbed)? As a horror fan, you absolutely HAVE to know this scene, being so outrageous that the tree was added as a caged monster in The Cabin In The Woods.
As you can probably guess by the name, the trees in Evil Dead become possessed by the Necronomicon, and then turn more touchy-feely than Fred Armisen in Eurotrip – and they don’t even say “Mi Scusi!” These trees grab a hold of you with their unbreakable grip, string you up, then make a B-line right for your naughty zone. Sure, it’s a girl in the film who gets tree-raped, but don’t think that means you’re safe, guys. There’s always the backdoor entrance, and if that doesn’t terrify you, then go get yourself psychologically evaluated – because you’re thinking about trees going in your b-hole. That’s just messed up dude. God.
Ron Jeremy’s Penis: One Eyed Monster
The man, the myth, the legend. When you think male porn stars, who is more famous than Ron Jeremy and his monster dong. But after seeing One Eyed Monster, this dude’s junk turns from a woman’s dream to Earth’s worst nightmare, as it detaches itself and starts murdering people through the most unpleasant of ways. Women always yell at men for thinking with their “second brain,” but what if there wasn’t a real brain controlling it?!
Alright, just look at my list for Part I – did you really think I was going to stay serious this whole time? But again, most of a man’s terrible decisions are made when thinking with his more devious brain downstairs, so the utter thought of such an inherently evil thing becoming possessed by some strange bolt of life and running about on its own is utterly terrifying.
Then, as a kicker, it’s a monster from none other than Ron Jeremy, so that means it’s not only evil – but it’s got some “substance” to it. Seriously, if you weren’t afraid of that hairy bear of a man Ron Jeremy already, One Eyed Monster will give you a real reason to fear his meat torpedo – and one weird ass movie experience.
And on that note, here’s Al! Follow that, bitch. *drops microphone, walks out*