Chris Evans just told us what he wants to do with a Wonder Woman action figure, but I really wish he didn’t

Remember when Chris Evans was in good movies? Within five years, the Captain America icon has gone from appearing in Avengers: Endgame and Knives Out to starring in soulless streaming fodder like Ghosted and now, Dwayne Johnson’s Santa Claus action-comedy Red One.

Yes, it may seem like a demented movie pitch dreamed up by AI, but Red One is an honest-to-Kris-Kringle real film that’s dropping this holiday season, like a lump of coal in your stocking. The first trailer for the sure-to-be seasonal stinker landed on our rooftops this June 25 — but it’s an early Christmas gift I wish I could return for store credit.

You may not believe me, but I genuinely went into this trailer with an open heart and was totally willing to be won over… and then Chris Evans made a joke about bringing a Wonder Woman action figure to life so he could hook up with it and I checked out.

Essentially what you would get if you put Red Notice and Aardman family film Arthur Christmas into a blender, Red One sees a musclebound Santa (J.K. Simmons, reliving his Swol Commissioner Gordon era) abducted from the North Pole. This leaves his chief… uh, reindeer herder, I guess, Dwayne Johnson to enlist Chris Evans’ expert tracker — a level 4 naughty-lister, as a buff polar bear tells us — in helping him track the jolly one down.

The unlikely allies start off their journey by using Santa magic to turn a toy car into a full-size vehicle. “You don’t have a Wonder Woman action figure, do you?” Evans’ character asks.

Eesh, it’s about to get very awkward at the next Avengers/Justice League group hang. Yes, they totally have those. The Marvel and DC casts get together to eat shawarma and bitch about working with Joss Whedon.

Look, I get it, we all do. Gal Gadot is stunning, but anyone who hated themselves enough to sit through the last handful of DCEU movies can only groan at yet another “Heh, it’s funny ’cause Gal Gadot is hot” gag. Hey, Red One! Justice League, Shazam!, Shazam! 2, and The Flash all called and they want their joke back.

Maybe Red One will surprise us when it jingles its way into theaters on Nov. 15, but I’m not holding out much hope based on this trailer. Evans, baby, just agree to do Avengers 5 and put us out of our misery.