Fast X is due in theaters just over a week from now, and while lifelong fans of the high-octane franchise are no doubt frothing with excitement for its penultimate entry, I, for one, am looking forward to seeing what all the buzz is about for the very first time.
Indeed, my knowledge on the Fast & Furious franchise goes about as far as my knowledge on cars (all I know about cars is that they’re in the Fast & Furious films), which I can only assume will make my plunge into this family-oriented (at least, that’s what the internet says about it) rollercoaster ride all the more rollicking.
Nevertheless, I’ve still set some healthy expectations for myself by avoiding any and all Fast & Furious content up to now, and allowing my subsequently uninformed fan theory node to run wild with all the gumption of a coked-up rhinoceros (which might be in Fast X for all I know). So, as a longtime Fast & Furious novice, here’s eight predictions I’ve made for the wildly anticipated Fast X.
1.) Cars will be in the movie
As hinted earlier, my grasp on the Fast & Furious films isn’t an entirely absent one; I’ve heard enough rumors and stayed awake during enough trailers to declare confidently that we’ll be seeing cars in Fast X. They will also most likely be driven, and might get involved in a stunt or two; we’ll see.
2.) It won’t be as good as Peter Jackson’s King Kong
Listen, Fast & Furious, we love you as a franchise; at the very least, the people who have invested an extended amount of time in your films probably do. That being said, I think we can all agree that Fast X won’t quite hold a candle to Peter Jackson’s 2005 masterpiece King Kong.
Fast X may have cars and family and an X in its title, but does it have dinosaurs? Well, maybe; I don’t actually know if it will or not. But, will it have masterful thematic stylings involving love, spectacle, and fear that don’t cease for even one minute in the entirety of its three-hour runtime? I doubt it.
3.) I’m going to get thirsty during the movie
Okay, so maybe I should start giving that eager AMC employee the benefit of the doubt; in my defense, however, why would I spend the extra nine dollars on the jumbo Fast X-themed fountain soda cup when the repurposed kombucha bottle I snuck in with my purse can do the job just fine?
The answer is that they’d kick me out if they found it, but whether I succeed in bringing my contraband piece of glass into the theater or not, I’m most likely going to need a drink at some point during the movie, and if it so happens that I have to splurge the nine dollars to ensure that, so be it.
4.) Vin Diesel is going to get hurt
Vin Diesel is most likely going to get a scratch or two during Fast X. And no, I’m not talking about the character he plays (it starts with a D, right?); what I mean is I think Vin Diesel, the actor, is going to be harmed during the events of the film.
All I’m saying is, I have a hard time believing that anyone could film some of those stunts in the teaser trailers and emerge entirely unscathed, and I will personally keep my eyes peeled during the end credits for the “No Saving Private Ryan alumni were harmed during the making of this film” tidbit; upon its inevitable absence, we’ll have a case on our hands.
5.) Letty Ortiz is going to have the best character arc
Michelle Rodriguez’s Letty Ortiz (okay, I know some stuff) is destined to have the best character arc in Fast X, and will in turn provide the most poetic throughline for the film. I know this because I have every reason to believe that it will honor Rodriguez‘s real-life character arc.
Every time I go to the theater, the pre-show always offers up the same multiple-choice trivia questions, and I have them all memorized to a T (did you know that The Blues Brothers was the first film to be based on a Saturday Night Live sketch?). Anyway, according to my local theater’s Fast X trivia question, Michelle Rodriguez didn’t have a driver’s license prior to joining the Fast & Furious franchise.
To be honest, I’m not sure if she has one even now, but for Rodriguez, an at least-previously unlicensed actress, to have put the pedal to the medal so fiercely in the Fast films that came before Fast X, I’m all but certain that that character growth will continue here, and will manifest in an impossible-to-miss fire in her eyes.
6.) Bradley Cooper will not be in the film
For those of you hoping for a Groot and Rocket Raccoon reunion in Fast X, I have some bad news for you; Bradley Cooper, the Rocket to Vin Diesel’s Groot, is probably not going to be in Fast X.
But to be honest, that’s not really a bad thing; Rocket and Groot may be good friends on screen, but given that they’re both voice actors, Diesel and Cooper probably didn’t interact a whole lot during the creation of the Guardians of the Galaxy films. So, realistically, the two of them meeting up in Fast X would probably shatter the illusion of chemistry that James Gunn and company worked so hard to build between those two characters, and that wouldn’t do anybody any favors.
So yeah, all things considered, I’m going to chalk up Cooper’s probable absence as a win here.
7.) The heroes are going to steal a really big television
The other day, I saw a meme that went something along the lines of “this is what they were stealing in the first Fast & Furious movie,” and it was a photo of laughably old box televisions that probably came boxed with VCRs. That film came out in 2001, and I assume the meme was chiefly made to make fun of how old we’ve all gotten since then.
But now that Fast X is here, a whole two decades and then some after Fast & Furious, one can only imagine how big the televisions have gotten since then. So, assuming Vin Diesel and company have stuck to their roots throughout the years, Fast X could feature the biggest television heist the world has ever bore witness to. Hell, if someone manages to get a viewing in one of those fancy experimental 4D theaters, maybe the heroes will just break in and steal the big screen itself. The future is now!
8.) Peacemaker will appear in the post-credits scene
John Cena is in the movie, I guess. I don’t actually know what character he’s going to play, but whatever ruse he puts forward for Fast X, I’m fully prepared for it to get shattered by a post-credits reveal of his true identity; Christopher Smith, a.k.a. the Peacemaker of The Suicide Squad fame. Why else would John Cena be there?
His presence will certainly be justified; Peacemaker has made it very clear on multiple occasions that he will achieve peace at any cost, and Fast & Furious doesn’t exactly seem like a peaceful franchise, so to speak. Indeed, if Peacemaker wants to realize this commendable goal, he can’t just restrict himself to the DC Universe; he’s naturally going to have to branch out and find new opportunities to sow the peace he desires, and with one more movie coming after Fast X, he just may have found his next stomping ground.
Published: May 11, 2023 01:11 pm