Guardians Of The Galaxy’s Michael Rooker Signs On For Fast And Furious 9

James Gunn’s secret weapon will soon be unloading the artillery that is his effective acting onto one of the world’s biggest franchises. That’s right: Michael Rooker has been cast in Fast & Furious 9. This makes the series, officially, the most stacked, actor-filled motion picture universe that doesn’t involve a talking tree. Justin Lin and his team sure have quite the epic on their hands now, don’t they?

Rooker is going to be joining series veterans Vin Diesel, Charlize Theron, Kurt Russell, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Ludacris, Tyrese Gibson and Helen Mirren, all of whom have already had a big impact on the F&F universe in one way or another. Rooker’s fellow newbie, meanwhile, is coming in the form of John Cena, who’ll be filling the role that Dwayne Johnson’s muscles left behind. It’s contractually mandated that all F&F movies have an amorphous blob of overdeveloped biceps, don’t you know?

The Fast and Furious franchise is indeed one of the most successful film ventures ever embarked upon, with the eight movies and one spinoff pulling in $5.5 billion worldwide against a $1.2 billion budget. With that $4 billion surplus, Vin could buy himself a Star Wars franchise. But, uh, I have to admit something: I’ve never seen any of these films. Not a single one. I dunno, I’m not really a car guy. Is that a good excuse?

Am I really missing out on anything, though? Vin Diesel is an invincible rack of ribs that, like, drives cars onto submarines via missiles? Or something? Actually, that does sound kind of cool, now that I’m typing it all out in front of me. Then again, some of the backstage diva behaviors of these protein shakes incarnate make the over-the-top machismo on screen seem a little hollow. But that’s just me, a skinny nerdlinger who knows some level 2 bard spells.