I thought we agreed to pretend that Madame Web didn’t happen — seems like Netflix didn’t get the memo and for good. It is going to reap many, many rewards for not listening to the masses and making the eyesore a member of its diverse library.
The film that burned a large hole in Sony Pictures’ finances — and in our retinas with its CGI — is already shaping up to be a boon in disguise for the streamer. The truly lousy dialogues, their poor delivery, the awful acting, a story that wandered aimlessly, and a cast that happily bashed it – prompting Chris Hemsworth’s belated ire — once it opened to disastrous reviews, everything will aid Netflix in milking whatever sub-par deal Sony offered it to add the trainwreck to its platform.
How? Netflix’s subscriber count is going to go through the roof courtesy of Dakota Johnson and team’s deadpan dialogue delivery.
You see, Madame Web is not the mess that was Eddie Murphy’s A Thousand Words or Henry Cavill’s mind-numbing Argylle that collectively burst dreams of his turn as James Bond. Madame Web is way worse, so bad that I wanted to stab a fork in my eyes and swirl it around in my brain, but I didn’t — I wanted to see how bad it could be. It didn’t disappoint.
In short, Madame Web makes you want to bang your head on the floor in frustration, all the while keeping one eye on the screen to see how far it is willing to push the limits of human tolerance. Once you have watched it, you are left marveling at your strength, wondering how you survived the ordeal and it makes you want to watch it a second time to test your superpower to overcome the worst of the worst.
But that’s not it. Madame Web is the need of the hour for a number of reasons and Netflix is cashing in on them all.
The fear of Madame Web 2
Dakota Johnson and Pedro Pascal were recently snapped shooting a scene, where the actress is seen wearing a very familiar jacket, just in a different color. Then a few geniuses went ahead and posted it as photos from the sets of Madame Web 2, making countless hearts skip beats in shock. They will need to watch the film to calm the mental tornado the fake post riled up and remind themselves that there will never be a sequel, not even when hell freezes over.
The Endurers
People who have already watched it — as explained above, they would be strangely attracted to reliving the trauma as their minds have played the usual tricks, making them forget just how terrible the two-hour crawl-fest was. They will be blaming the early reviews, getting influenced by the views of those who had already watched it. And the only way to confirm it all is by watching it all over again.
The curious souls
The ones who escaped its theatrical release and are eager to see for themselves the plot that left souls numb and in an extended limbo. Streaming it would give them a safety net — when Dakota, Sydney Sweeney, and Tahar Rahim’s “zero f**** given” performances become too much for their frail psyche, they can pause the thing, vowing to never watch it again.
The “deserters”
Not exactly new subscribers, but existing ones planning to jump ship since they have become weary of the content Netflix has been serving, unable to acknowledge that there are some genuinely good titles on the streamer.
Exposure to Madame Web will be an eye-opening experience as the film will act as a baseline to figure out what is actually bad, allowing subscribers to gain a newfound respect for the streamer’s original offerings. With the Marvel bane’s addition to Netflix, even its terribly bashed The Cloverfield Paradox looks good.
The Sony Pictures conspiracy theory
Honestly, if Sony wants to present this garbled fiasco as a success, it won’t sound too far-fetched if it decides to pay subscribers to go and watch it, in order to claim that it was a streaming success. Win-win for Netflix, either way.
Just like that, Madame Web, the undisputed favorite as the winner of Worst Picture Razzie 2025, might become the glowing example of “So bad that it’s actually good!”