Ninja Turtles Reboot Casts Four Guys You’ve Never Heard Of

Well, the reboot that no one wants and that is being excoriated even before it begins shooting has pretty much been set in stone. The casting choices for the four titular heroes in the half-shall belonging to the Jonathan Liebesman-directed and Michael Bay-produced Ninja Turtles have hit … and I’m willing to bet you have not heard of one of these actors.

With Smallville star Alan Ritchson sort of headlining – i.e. he’s the only one I’ve heard of – as Raphael, the other three are as follows: Jeremy Howard will be Donatello, Noel Fisher will be Michaelangelo, and Pete Ploszek will take on the part of their leader Leonardo.  All have had bit parts in various TV series and films, but none are exactly household names. They will not be recognizable anyways, as they will be in motion capture suits and be turned into turtles a la Avatar. So this is not going to expose their faces to the world, which they might be grateful for.

Ugh. And blergh. I was hoping that this whole thing would be killed before it could retroactively ruin more of my childhood, but here it is, being cast. I do not know whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing that the cast is pretty populated with unknowns in the lead parts. Certainly it means that they’re not going primarily for star power in their reptilian casting. There will be a familiar face, though, with that thespian Megan Fox taking on the part of April O’Neil. April is the feisty female reporter friend of the Turtles who, if this reboot keeps to form, will be neither feisty nor a reporter. We can bet that she will remain female, however.

Having removed the ‘Teenage Mutant’ from Ninja Turtles, this projected crime against humanity will be released on June 6, 2014. Until then I’m just going to curl up with my old VHS tapes and cry myself to sleep.