‘Please pour bleach in my eyes’: The first ‘Minecraft’ movie trailer just dropped, and I need to call my therapist now

Well, folks, the great low-poly tide is finally upon us, and our subconscious is now destined to become the uncanny stomping ground of Warner Bros.’ next specter, from which there is no escape and for whose actions we cannot be responsible for. I speak, of course, of the incoming Minecraft movie, which just released its first trailer earlier today, along with its official title.

This film shall be henceforth known as A Minecraft Movie. Think about that for a moment: “A” rather than “The.” A Minecraft Movie implies additional Minecraft movies, perhaps in the same vein as this incomprehensible eldritch sigil that Warner Bros. will be releasing theaters next year. Humanity is finished, there is only Jack Black and his gruff portrayal of Steve.

Look at the llamas. Look at the pigs. Look at the flora, the wolves, and the mortal essence of the (admittedly refreshingly) colorful CGI that coats this ghostly canvas. Look at it all and say to my face that this is the work of humans. You cannot.

Chaos is no stranger to X, but in giving the denizens of the platform a morsel like this to chew on, there is nothing but madness. What’s A Minecraft Movie going to be about, you ask? It’s not a question of what it’s about, but a question of how it understands us, a question that has no answer.

Yes, give it the Oscar. Satiate it.

Is this the face of a man in the vicinity of his metaphysical equal?

Let’s talk details in hopes that their tangibility can help offset the insurmountable mental inundation cast upon us by these visual effects. Jared Hess—of Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre fame—spearheads A Minecraft Movie‘s directorial efforts from a screenplay by Chris Bowman and Hubbel Palmer, while Black takes on the aforementioned role of Steve. It won’t come as much of a surprise if he ends up being the standout in a similar manner that he was as Bowser in The Super Mario Bros. Movie, thoroughly entertaining in a way that’s almost separate from the entire rest of the film.

Elsewhere, Emma Myers (Wednesday), Danielle Brooks (The Color Purple), Sebastian Eugene Hansen Jennifer Collidge, Kate McKinnon, and Jemaine Clement all star alongside Jason Momoa, who plays a character named Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison. The film will follow four humans from four different walks of life (Myers, Brooks, Hansen, Momoa) as they learn to honor their creativity as an indispensable resource, all while fighting off dangers in the form of the Piglin army and, of course, creepers.

A Minecraft Movie hits theaters on April 4, 2025. Start the doomsday clocks folks, our eyes will never be the same again.