Russia’s Considering Cloning An Army Of 3,000 Year Old Super Soldiers

With global warming, economic uncertainty and the COVID-19 pandemic, the world feels like it’s in a precarious place as we head into the 2020s. But Russia may have a plan to stay on top by cloning an army of 3,000 year old super soldiers. The idea originates with Russia Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu, who proposed it at a meeting of the Russian Geographical Society last month.

Shoigu learned of the discovery of the frozen corpses of Scythian warriors in Siberia, which might be the perfect material for his legion of genetic monstrosities. The Scythians existed between the 9th and 2nd centuries BC and were famed for their combat skills and considered masters of horseback combat, crack archers and pioneers in using guerrilla tactics to undermine their enemies. Herodotus referred to them as being “fed from horse blood,” contributing to their terrifying reputation.

Shoigu raised the possibility of using their DNA, saying:

“We would like very much to find the organic matter and I believe you understand what would follow that. It would be possible to make something of it, if not Dolly the Sheep. In general, it will be very interesting.”

Now, there are a couple of flaws in this Metal Gear Solid ass plan. First up is that we haven’t officially cloned any humans at all yet, let alone from DNA locked in permafrost for thousands of years. Secondly, you can’t just toss a bunch of DNA into a cloning machine and have a trained warrior pop out the other end – if you wanted a Scythian soldier you’d have to raise them in a Scythian society. And even if you could do any of that, is an expert mounted rider with a bow really such a hot commodity in 21st century warfare?

Shoigu’s scheme does have one big upside to it, though – it’d be really cool. So, based on that alone, I say they pour as many resources as they need into this ancient super soldier program. Of course, this would leave the US with an ancient super soldier gap, so let’s bring back some Greek Spartans and let them go all 300 against the Russian Scythians. I’ll make the popcorn.