I can’t believe I’m about to waste another hour of my life writing about Scary Movie 5 after Malcolm D. Lee’s expectedly godawful “spoof” movie just stole the last hour and a half of my day, but in the spirit of pumping one more negative review out to the public so they can truly understand what a witless, hollow, immature piece of garbage this film is, here it goes.
There aren’t enough words to describe how much I detested every miserable minute and every uneducated and unintelligent phallic joke, as the film sports comedic talents equivalent to the drawings that used to be showcased on my home refrigerator when I was 5.
I know what you’re thinking, how could a film starring Lindsay Lohan, Snoop Lion, Mac Miller, Simon Rex, Bow Wow, and Katt Williams be that bad, but trust me when I say Scary Movie 5 has just set the bar on trashy Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer inspired mind-corroding drivel which makes me lose faith in a Hollywood system passing something so juvenile and painfully unwatchable off as an actual movie.
If there’s one positive to take away from yet another Scary Movie, it’s that audiences are starting to smarten up – finally. The only reason these films keep getting cranked out is because audiences used to eat this junk up, but Scary Movie 5 has thankfully set a new low for the franchise’s opening night with $5.5 million. A Haunted House, Marlon Wayans’ much lesser-known film without the Scary Movie name to back it, raised $6.8 million its opening night, putting the much hated spoof franchise to shame. One can only hope this spells the end for the Scary Movie franchise, in which case you’ll find me dancing on its grave with a bottle of tequila, having the party of my life.
While I’d love to waste the next 350 words describing all the better things I could have spent my $8.50 on today and forget that I just saw a film try to work a penis joke into every single sentence, I doubt you’d have fun reading about that. Instead, I guess I can talk about how outdated half the spoofs were, going all the way back to such current releases as Black Swan, Inception, and Insidious, because no film is safe from Scary Movie‘s unmatched attacks of cinematic lampooning! Ha! Scary Movie 6 will no doubt include references to Citizen Kane, M, Jaws, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, and many other classic cinematic gems the masses are just begging to see belittled with a fart or boner joke. Ha! Oh man Orson Welles, you’ve really got egg on your face this time!
I also have to comment on the fact that the audience at my Scary Movie 5 screening was made up of mostly children under the age of 10 with their parents, and they found the movie hilarious. Me? I laughed once at a dog using the Inception machine and us getting to see him humping the crap out of a poodle while being surrounded by loads more of them. The immature children who still laugh at the word “doodie” (heh-heh)? Well they had a great time watching Scary Movie 5, but I could only sit there and wonder how parents felt as Ashley Tisdale was being humped doggy style by a chair. “Well honey, love is a funny thing sometimes, and when a girl and a chair meet and have a few too many drinks…” That should say a thing or two about Scary Movie 5‘s sense of humor.
Here’s my other thought – I wonder what Ashley Tisdale was thinking when she read this script. I mean Simon Rex has already shown his face in the franchise, Jerry O’Connell has nothing else going on, Mike Tyson is the only one who can inaudibly mumble pointless lines like he does, but Tisdale?
“Hmm, I really need to break away from my High School Musical stereotype and take a role that will show people I’m as good an actress as any other Hollywood legend. I need something bold, something show-stopping, and something that will make America forget about Jennifer Lawrence. I need to prove to everyone I’m more than just that singing student Disney exploited for so long. What’s this script? Scary Movie 5? Hmmm…there’s a scene where I hump a lamp while wearing lingerie, every scene seems to have some immature joke created by a kindergartener, and it really makes me look like I only took the role because of money. I’LL DO IT!” Probably something like that.
The opening scene featuring Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan gave me enough material to hate, and I actually considered walking out at that point, but the rest of the film just made me feel like I was stuck at Guantanamo Bay being tortured for war crimes.
Scary Movie 5 isn’t funny, it’s an atrociously horrid stinker which proves how some filmmakers treat their audiences with zero respect. I’m actually offended after watching this film at how unintelligent Lee’s movie thought I was, and I refuse to give it any more of the heaping amounts of bad publicity it deserves. For the rest of this paragraph, I’m going to re-enact how I believe the scriptwriters came up with this wretched excuse for content – slam my head against my keyboard and insert the words penis and vagina where I see fit. ;alsadls;dfjks *penis joke* apoiwejtapwei topiasda *vagina joke* sdpoihgfasdas awioej asdo *penis joke* ijfa[oei we [uwe ao[eiw. COMEDY GOLD!
And no. I still don’t feel better about having watched Scary Movie 5 after airing my grievances. Let me go contemplate my life-choices for a little bit, because I’m not sure I can sit through another catastrophe like this ever again without giving up on cinema altogether, and then find the tallest building around and contemplate another choice.
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If I ever have to watch another Scary Movie film, I'll give up on writing, cinema, and society forever.