Star Wars‘ quality control is usually fairly high. Yes, there are some movies, games, and TV shows that fall short of greatness and promote a lot of questionable merchandise out there, but by and large, you can expect Star Wars-branded products to clear a very low bar and do what they’re supposed to.
However, there are some notable exceptions. After all, it’s been 45 years since A New Hope, and there’s been a bunch of bad decisions made over that time. Some come from Lucasfilm taking their eye off the ball, while some come from George Lucas’ questionable choices, and some are just the product of laziness. So, let’s get into the most embarrassing things that have ever slithered out into the world bearing the Star Wars name.
1. Kinect Star Wars
In the early 2010s, Microsoft was eager to capitalize on the global popularity of Nintendo’s Wii. Their answer was the Kinect, a camera that analyzed your body movements and translated them into games. The novelty was there, but iffy tracking and poor games meant it was a flash-in-the-pan success that didn’t stick around.
One of the final Xbox 360 releases was Kinect Star Wars, which promised to let players live out their Jedi fantasies in a galaxy, far far away. What we actually got was a selection of half-baked minigames that didn’t work very well, with the nadir the ‘Galactic Dance-off’ mode featuring truly cringeworthy Star Wars-themed covers of pop songs.
We don’t know who signed off on Darth Vader and the Emperor throwing shapes to deadmaus, but we wish nothing but the very worst for them.
2. The Ewoks on Ice and the Magic Sunberries
Lucasfilm clearly thought they were onto an all-time winner with Return of the Jedi‘s Ewoks. They got two made-for-TV movies, Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: Battle for Endor, and a two-season animated show that aired in 1985 and 1986.
But by 1986 the public was sick of Ewoks, though that didn’t stop a truly bizarre Ice Capades show promising that it’d give you “a course in Ewokese” and “Presto! Chango! Be-che-wa-wa! You’re an Ewok for a day.” Not much footage exists, though from what we can see it’s a terrifying experience centered on one of Star Wars most annoying creatures. And, as it’s on ice, it’s not even easy to run away from them.
3. The Crystal Star
There are so many terrible things in the ‘Legends’ canon that we could fill this list with them, but let’s stick to the absolute worst. Star Wars is a fairly grounded nuts and bolts universe ((he Force excepted). But, 1994 novel The Crystal Star dramatically missed the point with a story about a charismatic extradimensional being named Waru who’s building an intersteallar cult.
Readers were left scratching their heads at a story that feels like a Star Trek quickly refitted to work with Star Wars. Even by the often-low standards of the old Extended Universe, Waru is considered a giant misstep and the story was quickly ignored by Lucasfilm. Don’t expect to see Waru back in canon anytime soon, for good reason.
4. Galactic Starcruiser
Disney’s Galaxy’s Edge theme park delivers on its promise of transporting you to the Star Wars universe for an immersive experience. It’s now a place of pilgrimage for many fans, though there’s one huge fly in the ointment that’s rightfully attracted a lot of bad press. This is the ‘Galactic Starcruiser’ hotel, which opened in March 2022 and promises a “simulated cruise.”
On paper, it sounds interesting. Then you get to the price. A 2-day stay will cost you an incredible $4,809.00 for a small windowless cabin. Reviews were scathing, with one fan who forked out saying they “genuinely feel ripped off.” Critics noted the small scale of the hotel, the lack of places to explore, and the buggy app that’s required to interact with things.
Then there’s the notoriously cramped and hard bunks and tiny bathrooms that look suspiciously like a budget hotel. No wonder many recently wondered whether Andor‘s nightmarish prison was poking fun at the experience.
Maybe Disney will be able to turn this Starcruiser around, but right now this monstrosity is perhaps the biggest waste of money Star Wars has ever offered.
5. “Somehow Palpatine Returned”
Lucasfilm was in a tough spot after The Last Jedi. They didn’t anticipate the explosion of anger from the fanbase and so, in an effort to calm things down, decided to go back to nostalgia for The Rise of Skywalker. The results were disastrous, with the film scoring the worst reviews of any live-action Star Wars entry and ending the Skywalker saga on a huge bum note.
Their worst decision was bringing Emperor Palpatine back from the dead, neatly undercutting the ending of Return of the Jedi and the story of the sequel trilogy. But it wasn’t simply that they brought him back but how. His return first took place in Fortnite (!) then the explanation for how he survived being thrown into a reactor shaft on a space station (that then exploded) was summarized by Poe Dameron’s now notorious line “somehow Palpatine returned.”
Even Oscar Isaac looks embarrassed to have to say it, and no amount of muttering about “dark Sith magic” from Merry Brandybuck is going to make it make sense.
6. Star Wars Detours
In 2012, Lucasfilm unveiled their newest Star Wars project, in collaboration with Robot Chicken creators Seth Green and Matthew Senreich. Star Wars Detours was to be a sketch-based CGI show that poked fun at the franchise, featuring Billy Dee Williams returning as Lando, Anthony Daniels as C-3PO, Ahmed Best as Jar Jar Binks, and a plethora of talented voice actors. 39 episodes of the show were duly produced but never aired, with new IP owners Disney apparently realizing they had a giant turkey on their hands and burying it forever.
We were on the fence about including Detours as it doesn’t look like it’ll ever be officially released. However, there are enough clips online for everyone to see how crushingly unfunny it was. To this day, many fans still call for Detours to be released on Disney Plus, though for all the mistakes they’ve made with Star Wars, we’re glad the House of Mouse has locked this show in the vault and tossed away the key.
7. Snig and Oopla’s Hyperspace Hoopla
Before Galaxy’s Edge began construction the main representation of Star Wars at Disney Parks was ‘Star Wars Weekends.’ This annual festival began in 1997 and took place over four weekends between May and June. Most of it sounds fun: there was a fireworks show to John Williams’ score, Jedi training for children, and a bonanza Star Wars parade.
But, there was also ‘Snig and Oopla’s Hyperspace Hoopla,’ a dance-off competition to pop songs featuring iconic Star Wars characters. Did the world really need Boba Fett dancing to Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” and Darth Vader grooving to MC Hammer’s “You Can’t Touch This?”
No, it did not.
8. The Jar Jar Tongue Sucker
The Phantom Menace arrived with an enormous wave of merchandising, with Darth Maul and Anakin Skywalker’s faces plastered on every conceivable object. But something… horrible slipped through the cracks. This is the ‘Jar Jar Tongue Sucker,’ which features a molded Jar Jar Binks head that cracks open to reveal a grossly detailed suckable candy tongue.
It’s one of those things you just sit and stare at in disbelief and wonder who the hell this is supposed to appeal to. We’re betting that many unsuspecting parents back in 1999 picked one of these up for their kids, later saw them sucking away on Jar Jar Binks’ tongue, grabbed it in disgust, and binned it. There’s a mental image that’s not going away anytime soon.
9. The Star Wars Holiday Special
You all knew this was coming. 1978’s The Star Wars Holiday Special is famous for being an ill-conceived nightmare, with critic Nathan Rabin memorably describing it as being “written and directed by a sentient bag of cocaine.” But if you’ve only heard of it or seen short clips, it really must be experienced in full.
Only then will your brains dribble out of your ears at the endless sitcom scenes of unsubtitled Wookiees growling at each other, the jaw-dropping “comedy” skits, a stoned-looking Carrie Fisher singing a “Life Day” song to the Star Wars theme, Harrison Ford clearly wishing he was anywhere else, and – last but by no means least – the extended sequence in which Chewbacca’s dad Itchy gets turned by VR porn. We wish we were making that last one up.
The Holiday Special is so bad it could have killed Star Wars altogether, though after a single airing it was promptly buried by Lucasfilm and survived only as grainy bootlegs. But now, thanks to the magic of the internet, everyone can enjoy it. If you’re brave enough this will be the longest hour and forty minutes of your life, but only by watching this can you be considered a true Star Wars fan.
Published: Dec 6, 2022 09:55 am