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Monster transformer
Paramount Pictures

The foremost auteur of nauseating camera work and banging action figures together launches a triple-pronged attacked on streaming

There's a much better alternative in theaters right now.

Let’s clear something up right out of the gate. Many people misunderstand the word “auteur” and take it to be a testament to the subject’s talent as an artist. This is not the case. An auteur is simply someone whose films can be identified as their own based on how the film presents itself. The auteur film can be good or bad, but are always distinctly from the mind of their creators. The auteur’s mortal essence is their calling card.

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Notable auteurs include Yasujirō Ozu, Lars von Trier, Wes Anderson, David Lynch, and Quentin Tarantino, but the subject of today’s topic is Michael Bay, who absolutely qualifies as an auteur given his unique filmmaking techniques that, presumably, are engineered specifically to create intestinal dissonance and yet-to-be-discovered neurological diseases. Such is the legacy of his Transformers run, which Paramount Plus subscribers are unthinkably subjecting themselves to at the moment.

Per FlixPatrol, this day of Oct. 18 has seen not one, not two, but three different Bay-era Transformers films shoehorn their way into the Paramount Plus film rankings in the United Kingdom. At once defined almost entirely by how loud and incoherent they are, Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon have long since gone down in history as some of the most notoriously rancid efforts to ever come out of the Hollywood machine.

Megan Fox in Transformers
Image via DreamWorks Pictures

Bay once hit back at his critics by saying he makes movies for teenage boys, perhaps not appreciating that teenage boys are not defined by ogling at Megan Fox and cynically-constructed robot battles, and in fact deserve stories that don’t forsake their capacity for genuine emotion or try and irresponsibly appeal to the less-savory aspects of their developing masculine identities. Don’t put your shortcomings on the teens, Bay; do better.

In any case, Transformers has long since ended that toxic relationship, having since branched out into the likes of Bumblebee, an origin story for the titular yellow Autobot refreshingly rooted in a story about family and belonging; Transformers: Rise of the Beasts, a somewhat-successful merging of the Bay-era scope and the Bumblebee emotional core that also made the insane decision to kick off a Hasbro Cinematic Universe that’s probably already dead in the water; and Transformers One, the first film in a brand new Transformers continuity whose deft storytelling intelligence is matched only by the assuredness of its identity as a popular IP film.

Image via Paramount Pictures

It’s that last one that stands out as the true vanguard of Transformers‘ cinematic potential. Without the encumbrance of the Bay-plagued canon, Transformers One was able to build its world from the ground up, complete with a vibe that was capable of wonder, laughter, intensity and heartbreak. All this, while remaining entire faithful to the essence of the characters that have been garnering fans for generations; Transformers One, you see, understands that the key to adapting popular IPs lies not in respecting canon, but respecting history.

So if you’re in the U.K. and you’re planning to queue up some Bay schlock on Paramount Plus, you’re much better off taking a jaunt down to the cinema and catching the still-playing Transformers One on the big screen. Besides, the proposed trilogy for this new canon hinges on box office success, so you’d also be able to check off your weekly good deed in the process.

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Author
Image of Charlotte Simmons
Charlotte Simmons
Charlotte is a freelance writer for We Got This Covered, a graduate of St. Thomas University's English program, a fountain of film opinions, and probably the single biggest fan of Peter Jackson's 'King Kong.' She has written professionally since 2018, and will tackle an idiosyncratic TikTok story with just as much gumption as she does a film review.